"We see people as we are,
not as they are."

So true.

What do we really know
about the people we encounter,

the friends we have,
even
our families.

Everything we see,
might not be
real.

Eerie, right?

But life is only about perception.

We all see things differently.

So is anything actually real?

Happiness
does not come to those who
wait for it
to come their way.

Happiness
comes to those who
work for
and actively
seek it out.

You
choose the direction
your life
takes.

Brilliant light
flashes before my eyes,
dances across my skin.

My very soul pulses,
electric
Your light drives away
the shadows of my past.

Illuminating a future filled with happiness.

To me,
YOU are perfection.

People often seem to enjoy
living in
delusion.

Deep in their souls,
they know they live
unauthentic lives.

Yet
following society's rules seems
easier,
more imperative,
than following their own hearts.

How many people out there are genuinely happy?

How many detest their existence,
like I did
Wishing they were
strong enough
to follow their feelings

instead of following the flock?

I stumble inside and sit upon the couch.

Waiting

Eternity passes,
or maybe it's only been a second,
and then

SHE

walks in,
emitting a light of such brilliance
such intensity
that my whole world is set on fire.

I burn from the inside out.
My biggest fear was always burning to death,
yet I find myself in Heaven,
consumed by flames.

Slowly she collapses next to me
Skin to skin
we sit,
I tingle,
filled with electric heat

and then...

Movement

Fingers digging into my side
she grabs me.

The most exquisite pain I can imagine

"This isn't right, you're a GIRL"

The words float in the air,
suspended,
and then explode into beams of light
as her lips
finally
meet mine.

Happiness?

*******, it exists.

It starts with a smile
It always starts with a smile.
I smile because I'm friendly,
and people like friendly...
Right?
Right...
People love friendly.
[Men] love friendly.
Because apparently,
Friendly equates to easy.

And so it begins.

"Hey, you seem cool,
We should hang out sometime."
Say the boys (men?) boys
In my class,
At work,
At parties.
"Okay!" I say,
Because he's cute, or funny, or smart, or possibly just
Different
From all the others.
And sometimes he is.
But sometimes...

You get to his house
To "hang out"
Because that's what people do apparently,
They "hang out"
Ask me on a date?
Laughable
I don't know that it has ever happened.
But tthey have no problem inviting me to hang.

And I go along with it.
Because we all want someone, something
And maybe this is just the way things work for my generation...
Right?

And once you get to the house
You're invited to sit on the couch.
Relax
Smoke
Have a drink
"I thought we'd watch a movie or somethin'"
...or somethin'

So the movie begins (because why get to know each other?)
And suddenly
It becomes less about the movie, and more
About the somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

Regardless of my nose ring,
The jokes I make,
The drinks I had,
The dresses I wear,
And the fact that I agreed to watch a movie,
"or somethin'"
I didn't come here for somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No, let's just watch the movie."

He just moves close,
Pours another drink.
When I take a sip,
His hands begin to roam.

"Seriously, no thanks."

I think about leaving but...
This is just how guys are.
Or so I've been told.

"It's no big deal. Come on. You're being a *****."

Maybe I am being ridiculous.
For some reason I feel bad. But still.
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No."

Apparently, at this point,
No
Is not an option.

"You want this too. I like you."

The fight for territory begins,
A battle I quickloy lose.
Or resign myself to?
Maybe...I asked for this?
No. I'm not asking for somethin'

Shame. Anger. I walk out alone.
How did I let this happen

AGAIN?

Guilt. Then rage.

And this time, I refuse to play the victim.
I refuse to blame myself, to keep taking this,
Because "that's just how guys are."

I didn't ask for this.
I NEVER did.

Providing drinks and entertainment doesn't mean I owe you somethin'

My dress doesn't mean I'm asking for somethin'

I am done feeling responsible,
Keeping silent,
Blaming myself.

When did men start believing that
my smile
means I'm asking for somethin'?

I'm asking for something
Not
Somethin'

Darkness suffocates me.
Ever-present blackness fights to enter my bloodstream
Worming its way through my pores
While tendrils of grey fog claw at my eyes
Obscuring my vision

Suddenly a light appears.
The tendrils retreat,
Skittering into the surrounding shadows
White fire circled by a hazy purple brilliance,
Floating in my direction

A positive thought.
Possibility
“I am a good listener.”
Corny, yes
But I like that
For a moment, I like me

Connection
Brilliant fire envelops
Light radiates from within me
A supernova, I shine overwhelmingly
Before collapsing in on myself

With the light gone
I lie in darkness,
but not despair.
Glowing dimly,
A flickering ember sits in the corner

Hope