you wanted me for yourself
but you also wanted others
to want you
you wanted their hungry looks
their hands on your knee,
your back,
your neck,
your chest...
you wanted their flirtatious whispers,
the smell of their breath as they leaned in,
hoping to kiss your lips
you wanted others to want you so much that
you forgot about me

your kiss was the
best
and
worst
thing to ever happen to me

seeing you makes
my heart flutter
my head spin
my knees go weak
and beads of sweat to form

now, seeing you causes
those same reactions,
but it feels more like the flu
than love

you promised you would be there, after
that our friendship was too important to lose

i don't think you meant to lie,
but you did

my mistake was believing you

I woke up this morning and it happened
the same thing at first

I looked for you and I found you
(posting pictures to Facebook with your new friends)
(posing for Snapchats of your shots and your beer pong skills, because it's important that people know you're fun!)

I looked for you and I found you
(******* up to others, proving your worth)
(doing what you want in the moment and forgetting about everything else, because you can explain it all away tomorrow)

I looked for you and I found you
and I used to feel
(jealousy, because I have never understood why everyone else matters more than me)
(anger, because I am so tired of the wanting, the waiting, the wishing, the what ifs, and the why am I not good enoughs)

I woke up this morning and it happened
I looked for you and I found you
and finally
I didn't feel

Addicted to
Liquor
Beer
Wine
The buzz

Addicted to
Snacks
Dinner
2nd dinner
Excess

Addicted to
Painkillers
Creating pain
Numbing pain

Addicted to
Worry

Addicted to
Self-doubt

Addicted to
negativity

Addicted to
Distraction

Addicted to
Secrecy

Addicted to
Escape

Always
Escape

there are ants crawling
underneath my door,
up the side of my trashcan,
onto my counter,
into my room.

spraying them,
creating boundaries,

reminds me.

i am not the only one
who always feels like my presence is

an imposition.