Tonight I will not hold tight to a boy
When the big silver ball drops.

Tonight I will not weep for all the
Swell times I had over the last 365 days.

Tonight I will not toast to new adventures
With the sticky, bubbly drink, in the city that never sleeps.

Tonight I will look into the eyes of my friends and my brother
And we will shout "5-4-3-2-1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Tonight I will kiss the tragedies of 2012
Goodbye, in hopes of not losing more dear friends far too early.

Tonight I will fill up a large beer glass with whatever
Is in the keg, in my friends garage, in my hometown and,
I will make a wish for good health, and love, and of course, new beginnings.

This year, it came
With warning
And with promise of new beginnings.

I thought I would kiss your lips
When the clock struck
Midnight.

I thought I would know what to expect
When your lips touched
Mine.

I thought I would feel good and wanted
When your arms were the first to embrace
Me.

I thought I would
Kiss you,
Touch you,
Fall asleep,
With you.

But you didn't even call me
back.

And now,
One hour and fourty four minutes later,
I am hung up on
Last year .

I am hung up
on you.

His face, stone cold.
His frame, rigid.
His words, honest.

He told me to "Just grow up!"
After I jumped out from behind the
dark, candle-lit doorway yelling,
"Boo!"

I let sodium and water burn my green eyes,
I let the liquid slowly roll down my crimson cheek,
I let it settle between the crease of my pursed lips.

Then I said,
"I am."

Sometimes I go out at night
And sometimes I drink a little too many ***** tonics
And the next morning I forget that I did things like,
Kiss you in the alleyway behind my apartment
And that I said things like,
I love you.
And that you pulled away and looked at me, or through me
At the glow of the neighbor's television
And that I cried, and breathed deeply, gasping
As you shook your head,
I'm sorry...
And then I remember, and then I wish I could forget
Again.

The day is coming.
It will be here before I know it.
It will be a Sunday morning.
I will curl my hair pretty and gloss my lips an innocent shade of pink.
I will put on a nice dress, nice shoes, and a nice necklace.
I will look so nice.
Much nicer than I usually look Sunday mornings.
I will disguise my hangover with the sent of lavender oil,
and the blackest coffee known to man.
I will take a look at myself in my bathroom mirror, I mean really
Take a look at myself,
At what the past four years have meant to me, and to my family.
Then I will put on the cap, and frown because no one ever looks pretty in those **** things.
Then I will put on the gown, and feel nervous, excited, ready.
My mom, my dad, my brother,
They will all be there, also looking nice.
And I will go to the stadium, sit in my seat between two strangers who's names also begin with "Kh."
And my heart will pound,
and my palms will sweat,
and my mouth will dry,
and then they will call my name,
and I will stand up and smile, proudly.
And I will be a college graduate,
One of the first in my family.