I cannot stop you from loving me but I can start hating you. That would be my last act between us, with all your voice can do to me. When mine grows hard and nothing remains other than kind cruel empty. Then I would fling myself off the edge.
I wonder sometimes what it is like to start all over again, there is little to burn before I could do it. Take that risk. Go somewhere else with no one for a family or close in heart. How quickly I would find that prolific beauty that is stranger than its own kind. - There is this obsession with kindness and the word kind, I see. - But what of that place if it were not there, nothing inside tying its meaning to material existence? Even to all the people I know my kindness grows small and I snap off anything that could take any of me with them. Steal my heart, take my love, in kind, for granted. To use it for selfish grand or minor schemes. I cannot allow. I cannot let it. I will not.

Sometimes I smile and there is laughter, I soften to a response. All that was made before is still there, before anyone knew me, and stole those bits I could have kept. I shield myself, protection in hindsight. Is it still necessary?
There are those whom I love and they are far away. Where, when they are close by or shadows across misty seas of distance. This might eventually give me shelter. Possibly.

So now I make myself to hate you. Out of protection for my soul. But I feel cold. The flame is all I have to keep me warm. So I ignite inside with fierceness. I cannot be held in, this need for freedom is stronger than anything. If to feel this faith of an illusion is to be caged within myself again.
How would it feel to know it the right way? There is still the empty, the vast and vacuumed void to deal with. I ask God if I should dive into her and discover my true core. Acid stripped, bare and bleeding out. All that is left is what existed outside of my idea of you and all those whom I liked to be like you. Objects of some kind of figmented affection: clinging on and sticky with the tears for replacement of what I once had called love. Then I would walk the long road to healing again.

So, now I hate your voice and the memory of your broken English accent. All the ones who had come before and after you. They get not the reverence I give to you. Those clear brown eyes that turned out to not care enough, to save us. Or was it me that made it so, after our forced end? Only once, you showed the daring to break from my spell. Through redacted words though, not the voice that had given a haunted home to my thoughts. But they held no defence to my pleas of anguished honesty.

Once, I will be through with you. I will have learned not to hate despite your love. That one thing which makes me feel still so course. Your silence will have sanctioned my forgiveness and argued the release of my heart. Perhaps, I could cry with someone again.

© December 31st 2012

Allow me to be a better mother than my own
Allow me to be trustworthy when my children confide in me
Allow me to be reasonable when my children make mistakes
Allow me to see my children through eyes of wisdom, not judgement
Allow me to be genuine in m support, not condescending
Allow me to never be selfish, self-involved, self-centered in any decisions regarding my children
Allow me to show sincerity in my actions as a mother, not hypocracy
Allow me to say 'I'm sorry'
A human being will never be perfect, but in a child's eyes, a mother can be

What is love
Thats the question everyone wants to know
Love is never letting go
Love is knowing they love you even when they are giving up
Love is not wanting to let go
Love is being scared to say good bye at night because you are afraid that in the morning they will be gone
Love is having your heart torn up in front of you a hundred times and still wanting more
Love is watching as they find someone else and knowing you will still be there for them
Love is waiting for that moment you fear will never come
Love is wanting to die rather than live without them
Love is being scared of getting everything you ever wanted except the one who mattered
Love is seeing them in everything you do
Love is crying at your favorite memories
Love is telling them every secret you've ever had
Love is listening to every song on the radio and thinking to yourself that is us
Love is that feeling that no matter what we do we cannot escape it
Love is staring deep into their eyes and knowing they love you
Love is being scared they won't be happy
Love is wanting them to leave when they have given up
Love is the one thing that scares everyone more than death
Love it faking a smile when it hurts to even think about life without them
Love is never wanting to wake up the next day because you know they are already gone
Love
This is what love is to me
But what the hell do I know I'm just a kid
Just a kid thats willing to give the world just to get a minute with her
He's just a kid
He cant understand love
He
.
.
.
Just
.
.
.
Can't

Things are really different for girls. Even the ones who seem the most confident on the outside, have their reservations and dislike things about themselves. So when they love someone, and another girl comes in between that, it's a huge threat...not only to their relationship but to their self-esteem, and they can be left wondering what it is another girl has that she doesn't. It goes much farther than a guy thinks. It can destroy even the happiest, most confident girls. It just comes down to wether or not a girl is going to let that destroy her I guess.