panicked heartbeats banging like a drum against my porcelain ribcage
nerves running through electric veins, painful in their persistence and irregularity
soft tears whisper down flushed cheeks in helplessness as
i shake, alone and in the dark
waiting for someone else's name to appear on my screen.

starstruck your
galaxy enveloped my lungs
filled them with nebulas
and made my heart glow

starstruck your
hands made my eyes glimmer
as they looked through a telescope
searching through the skies
until they found you

starstruck your
quiet voice burst through my soul
your words a supernova that
made my cheeks burn
and a shy smile appear
as we watched the skies together
a comet above
and,
starstruck your
lips met mine
as we embraced under the moon.

do you remember?

us and our fleeting gazes
hovering on the other
for just a second
before fleeing away?

our warm hugs and
bright smiles
matching the glory
of the sun?

the layers protecting our hearts
slowly falling away
until there was no need
for them to exist anymore?

but now your heart is locked tight
and your demeanor somber
i miss you but,
is it not my fault you aren't sober?

i function but cannot process
achieving normality at the price of memory
going through the fluid motions of life's challenges
separating my thoughts from my flawed actions
unbothered and apathetic;
my eyes are blurred and my mouth silent
if only the skies smiled
the veil over my eyes would lift
i could be animate once more
until the clouds frown again.

it's a gray day
and i'm stuck on the loading screen of life
a wheel of circling dots taunting my eyes
buffering, buffering
slowly working
i wish i could stay here forever

it's a day stuck between the past and the future
quiet and boring and utterly joyful
if only i did not have to move from my bed
if only i did not have to escape my mind
or distract my brain from the hollowness of my bones
if only i could move
i could get my life together on this gray, boring day
but alas,
my bones are feather light and my skin is floating away
my brain is discombobulated and my heart is not okay
unfortunately i am sick
in the mind, in the head
and the me-that-isn't-me
tumbles into space again.

panicked paranoid breaths convulse through my tight chest
quietly hiding underneath the frail sheets of my bed
my head aches; my body aches
yet i cannot stop
tears well up in my clenched closed eyes
is this how i'm going to die?
fragments of thoughts whisper softly
confirming my terrified beliefs
good night, good night
my vision grows dark as stuttering fingers claw at the spot where my heart was.

my suicide note will read
"you'll love the memory of me
more than you love the me now"
overdose or bleeding out on the bathroom floor
i've yet to decide.
my body forms out of static, quietly buzzing
as i lie dying
and my chapped lips will curve into a smile
as i realize death is not as peaceful
as it seems to be.