my suicide note will read
"you'll love the memory of me
more than you love the me now"
overdose or bleeding out on the bathroom floor
i've yet to decide.
my body forms out of static, quietly buzzing
as i lie dying
and my chapped lips will curve into a smile
as i realize death is not as peaceful
as it seems to be.

it's a gray day
and i'm stuck on the loading screen of life
a wheel of circling dots taunting my eyes
buffering, buffering
slowly working
i wish i could stay here forever

it's a day stuck between the past and the future
quiet and boring and utterly joyful
if only i did not have to move from my bed
if only i did not have to escape my mind
or distract my brain from the hollowness of my bones
if only i could move
i could get my life together on this gray, boring day
but alas,
my bones are feather light and my skin is floating away
my brain is discombobulated and my heart is not okay
unfortunately i am sick
in the mind, in the head
and the me-that-isn't-me
tumbles into space again.

i might be immature and young and inexperienced
and i might just be in love with the idea of love
but seeing your smile
and listening to your cheesy whispers late at night
holding your hand and pressing my cheeks into your shoulders
leaning my head against your chest and blushing with every compliment
with every second i spend with you
i like to believe
i finally know what love is.

spiders
my music somehow disappearing
heights
being abandoned by all the people i love in the world
becoming addicted to the substances that tempt me
coffee
children
the shadows that hide under my skin whispering their thoughts to the world
my stories never blooming into fruition
not taking a nap after school
being not good enough for the boy i say i love you too
looking at myself in the mirror
my hands
the song lemonade by jeremy passion
being shot at through the window
breaking down
loving.

persistent portraits fill the air
sky-blue hearts and broken chairs
with deeper meanings than i can fathom
i bounce off the ceiling, upside down in the gallery
whimsically indifferent to the stars
my hands are shaky and my mind is blank
but all i can remember is
the checkered sheets upon your bed
the grooves on your knuckles and the etches on your cheeks
the firmness of your muscles and the warmth i feel with you
i escape because i cannot fathom where you have gone
take me with you, my lover
im trapped inside a never-ending maze
but you have flown to the moon and above
broken hearts and sky-blue chairs.

time saved my soul
in the way only desperate lovers can
my eyes no longer filled with tears
i can smile again

slowly,
the sky we shared together
shattered into frozen blue
pale and icy, just like your face
when i said
i didn't love you
i'm sorry, it's my fault
but i couldn't take it any more
stealing the love from your heart
when there were others that could kiss you better
without seeing it as a chore
i feel as though i am a leech
taking your life source
selfishly, jealously
as if you meant nothing to me
but a lover once loved
but now,
no more.