alarmed waves crash down
as metal screens slam shut
my brain suddenly darkens
body still, frozen in panic
fractured light breaks into a multitude of
mocking fireflies; taunting my vision with their rapid movement
images transition to harsh duplicates, swaying back and forth
eyes unfocused and darting
where's the esca p  e? i n   e  e   d t  o es    c  a        p       e
my words are drifting away from me
i'm going to die
i'm going to die
draw in short harsh breaths
that wrack my lungs
shaking with fear
i'll die here
in this hospital room
the heart monitor going wild
beeps personified
to lead me into the darkness

how bright can a star
shine until its fluorescent
heart explodes to dust?

in my head,
your voice speaks vicious words
your fist meets my face
your eyes flash with disdain
and it's you (but not you)
you would not do that
unless you would
you but not you
hurts me because it's you but not you
and i hang onto half truths
made for masochism
it's you but not you and
i love you
but not the one in my head
yet im so afraid of rejection
i construct delirious painful hallucinations
to cope with something that hasn't
even happened yet.

god,
don't romanticize my scars
the crisscross reminder of my past sorry
agony and nightmares
silvery-white and healed long since
accepted but not loved
don't spout metaphors
on how you can cure me--because you can't
don't romanticize my mental illness
but be my right hand man
when i do war against it.

iridescent moon
reflected light permeating through darkness
projected through pitch-black rooms
a solace for the paranoid
the afraid, the alone
quietly standing by
a beacon of protection
against the monsters of the night.

depression comes and goes
in episodes, in waves
washing up the beach of my consciousness
leaving behind shells of memories
broken hearts and bruised ribs
sunshine laughter, turned bittersweet
and *****-stained porcelain toilets

i collect shells
hold them close to my heart
despite their broken, jagged edges
scratching thin protective layer
hang them up in the skies
to act as moons
and the tide gets rougher
heartbeat becomes irregular
as tears make way for beads of blood
steadily filling my lungs
until i am swimming in my own misery,

it feels like a rush of euphoria
zipping down my veins
comfortably settling into the tension of my body
seeping away into the covers
slowly,
i ignore my responsibilities
thoughts and fears
dip a hand into the music
submerge my small body
into the vast ocean of sounds
and carefully, quietly
succumb to the psychedelic dreams
with the gentle waves of calming music
my only defense against them turning to nightmares.