"yes mom......... no mom"
sometimes that's the most I try to say.
For I know if I say anymore my heart would be overwhelmed
with the scolding "I'll break your jaw!"
and  many more.
Three words I dear not hear,
but like a child full of hope still I listen.
I've almost given up hope but I'm bound to hear it sometime,
aren't I?
She throws words in my way that do nothing but hurt!
Scar me, wound me, then kiss the cut you made.
We are silently close and I keep reminding myself you love me
but at times it's not that easy.
I hold in my pain
and fear my tears,
though tears release pain,
I know you'll say that I look for nothing but pity
and so your pity I've grown to hate.
I've grown into silence for it's there I hear the most
where your actions speak louder than words,
only there I hear your words of compassion and love
rather than scolding and criticism.
Reminding myself of those who have less,
possibly none, I appreciate the little I have.
I patiently await the day that you say those three words,
and when you do I hope you mean it;
I'll reply with a smile that's tied from ear to ear.
but until then,
we'll exchange our silent I love you's
and be there for each other till the end.

My style says a lot about my personality,
I agree.
I love sweaters,
long sleeves.

They comfort me when the cold has no mercy on my skinny arms.
They cover up the cuts both you and I made.
It's also closed and fully covered,
like me.

Sometimes I admit it gets warm so sleeves had to be rolled up,
but then a new part of me is exposed
parts of me that I love but you don't.
So at times I take the heat,
not risking being bad
but just because you don't like it doesn't make it bad
so why then do you scold me!

"We live in a warm country so sweaters aren't seen often"
you always use the weather as an excuse for me to take off my sweaters
then make scrapes on my exposed arms.
but now it's going to take more than just the weather to stop me from wearing sweaters.

Yes, I do intend on managing what I wear
All those times you thought  wasn't listening, I heard you!
I promise you, in time I'll take it off;
but not before I heal.

We were one and couldn't be separated
we got lost in each other's eyes
we were wild dancers,
silent lovers who were yet to love

Now like a ghost you see me not
the promises we made broken
I kept my end as much as I can
but my admiration of you faded away

When you're not around I feel light but long for your presence
when your there I feel heavy and wish for you to notice me
talk to me
laugh with me
smile like we used to before

Is it true?
Were you in love or was it all just emotions
were we,
was I?

open your eyes
I'm tired of waiting for you to call my name the way you once did
like it brought you joy just by the sound of it
I'm tired of pretending that I don't know what you really wanted

I'm tired of holding my hand out to you in spite of everything
yes, I'm tired of gazing at your back 'cause you no longer show me your face.

But I know you too well
forget me today
tomorrow tell me you miss me
yet you dare not hear my voice

You're an amazing liar
but I dare not fall for your tricks.
I shall always be here if you need me
I'll always have a special hand to catch you
because I forgive you

but I have a life and I'm moving on
I wasn't meant for you
neither you for me
there's something you're hiding and I'll soon find out
but I lost the drive to seek your silent words.

Dare I move on
dare I smile till my seemingly absence in your presence becomes nothing but a bad memory,
I'm here for you
but I have to go soon
and I know that day what is to come is near!

I live watching ahead
while you live for today
if only you knew what I did you'd make today last
be my friend when you have the chance

I know that there are tears to come
and I await the day patiently
when you loose your heart cold shell
and realize that you had a lot-
that you're not getting back

I dare to still call you my friend
I dare to still acknowledge you as a good person who just made a mistake
I dare to live the way I was meant to
Dare you?

There he is again
trying to steal my heart,
he doesn't know how close he is,
he doesn't have to know how I feel;
I gave him the impression that I don't really care.
Still trying to find myself and mamma always said books before boys.

I just walked into the room
but I couldn't stop staring,
so I closed my eyes.
I just started back breathing,
but the room was filled with smoke,
so I held my breath.
I knew that if I gazed too long I'd want to touch it
if I went too long without breathing that I'd die.
Maman always said better be safe than sorry,
so I ran for my life hoping never to return.
But then you grabbed my hand and pulled me back in,
I started to cough so you opened up the windows.
My eyes were closed so you whispered in my ear,
"you don't have to look if you don't want to".
I took my hand and placed it on your chest,
you had skin as soft as a baby,
a heart as warm as the sun.
My eyes were still closed but you seemed to be very much like what I had wished for
so slowly but surely I opened my eyes.
A tall slim figure
muscles existed but few,
so many cuts,
but so much potential!
I saw you cry in front of a broken mirror
and though you never said it,
I'm sure that I heard it,
A cry of "please don't leave me".

every seed sowed was manifested,
each life given paid off,
each kiss from my mom,
every hug from my dad.
reasons, rather than asking why,
ask why not?
life is a vortex,
resolves into one point,
only the wise see it,
only the diligent seek it.
small world,
big universe.
live, love, dream.

slap me and my face turns red
pinch me and I hold that spot,
do you enjoy this
or do you just not know,
it hurts and I cry.
shout at me
make me whimper
crouch down in my own corner,
it hurts and I cry
now you are being slapped
you are being tortured
I try to help but
yes, it hurts
so now all you do is cry.

look at him,
look at those grey eyes,
that black wavy hair
-brushed back.
No don't make it obvious,
he'll know you like him.
I don't like him he's just cute,
I sat there,
seeing you for the forth time in my life,
why am I seeing you so much recently?
why haven't I seen your pink lips move,
why haven't I heard your voice?
just watch the tv,
don't be on him.
My heart's melting,
my hands are sweating so much,
my nerves are shocking me inside,
I try to glance at your gorgeous face
but I can't,
I watch you from the side of my eye silently,
he's distracted,
look now,
oh my gosh we made eye contact,
why is he looking at me?
why is he acting nervous?
silent smiles,
no conversation.
May I see you again sometime.

From the time we became existent
another lost existence
the hidden reality,
the beauty behind every beast.
The pain behind every growth
and tear hidden in every smile;
they say live your life then say life's not fair,
love makes the world go round but love hurts.
After rain comes the rainbow dancing upon clear skies,
only the beautiful birds get caged
but the caged bird one day dies;
true beauty acquainted with true beauty sets a bird free.
Beyond the so call reality that we claim to see,
but what our eyes have showed us, so we believed
either smile or tear
yet face not the reality of our very being
and go beyond what we see; to face that last fear.

it's too bright out there
the birds are wide awake,
I can't sleep
I need to laugh
I need to play!
but I was told to stay in bed.
below the covers are dark
but I know it's not night
I want to see what's out there!
but I was told to stay in bed.
it's clearly day!
and no one is watching
plus I don't see anything wrong with it.
Look mom's outside
and so is my sister
why must I be here,
no! I mustn't
but why not
aren't I meant to be free?
The ground feels cold
and my feet are bare,
but I like it.
the door is looked but I know where the key is
the wind outside is cold, but I love it
I feel so free!
Wait what's that?
Ouch!
look out!
Now my feet are hurting and my head is bleeding
I should have stayed in bed.

I sat there overlooking my world
with more emotions than the hair on my head
I saw the pretty girls with so much and I felt like so little
saw the smart and the brave and felt like a stupid coward
Saw God and felt loved and completed.
I no longer seek difference in this world but choose to make it.
I refuse to believe that all you said was impossible is true>>>
I've been proving you wrong my whole life
they said that I couldn't be that loud
never that brave
but my desire is grater than my doubt.
Never can I love so much
care so much
hurt, then dare to love even more.
It all paid off didn't it
for all I loved came back to me
and love me up to this day.
For all I helped help me
and I dare not say
what I've been through
because your pity I do not acquire
but rather your hope,
that you can,
and if you want to, you will.
"where there's a will there's a way"
and countless doors are open.
try again, smile again, love again, be free again!
For failure is a stage we are yet to overcome.
My joy goes on and I accept not defeat!
That doesn't mean I've had it easy.
To the broken boy who cries by the lake
and the girl who yearns to die everyday
and to the mother who can't get anything right>>>>
HOPE IS YOURS.

smiles meant to be destroyed
and hearts meant to love
I'm not meant to be understood but you did
not meant to be tamed but you did
human, not meant to hurt but we do.

life exchanged for a life time
a promise, a kiss, one last touch of it all
destroyed by pain comforted by love
**** it all
see it
but yet to learn it all.

innocent waiting to be found
be threatened
the bold waiting to be challenged

warriors it's your time to fight
time to bleed and give your last breath
to be determined

then be thanked
to be a legend
it's time not for the swift but for those who endure.

You hear me not
but I'm screaming in your ear.
You see me not
yet here I stand in front of you.
I see no boundary that I can touch
but there's a boundary that my heart will not cross.
Hurt with words
slapped with lies
but I fail,
only to learn and grow.
You say one thing but your body says another,
may I be the first to say
I'm young but not dumb
I've seen enough,
heard enough,
and I'll take this no more.
It's not what you said it's what you didn't
it was your silent words that hurt.

Don't blame it on me,
it's not my fault that my love is precious,
it's not my fault that I'm different,
it's not my fault that you miss me and 'can't live without me'.
I'm sorry if I'm impossible to forget,
I'm sorry if I'm afraid,
afraid to get the wrong guy,
afraid to be hurt so bad that I don't recover.
My heart may be large,
but it can only take so much,
I'm so afraid to fall running that I rather hold my mom's hand and walk.
I've seen love in many ways and by now I know it when I see it,
my heart will be here,
loving you forever but not in love with you.
I never wanted to say this but we're not meant for each other,
I gave you a chance and I'm glad I did.
You opened my eyes to fear of love yet pleasure of it.
I listened well and took note,
my love isn't free,
I gate my heart
and only I have the key.
Love is not a feeling,
it's an ability,
a journey.
One I have yet to start,
but all those players out there
have you to thank when I refuse to give them a chance,
a chance to become my lover.
I was raised better!
loved better!
when I find him,
I'll love him
and he will become the key to my gated heart.
But until then I lock my heart.

Lord!
Help!

You've never let me down!
Help!
I know lord
I know what I've done!
I know that I know better!

Help!!!

I let you down
But you never failed me
You never betrayed me

You stayed by my side
And sometimes my pride causes me to stay away from you but what's the use?

You're the only one who can help me so please...

Help me.

When I was younger I knew the world held the answers
Now that I'm older I understand life holds it all
To train your mind is to build your wolrd but how old should I be when I do it?
Before I was too young
When would I be too old
They say there's nothing really to it
The most powerful question to ask oneself is
'Where is my mind?'
A consistent thought
A power given
The tool simply being time

I thought it was your job to give me butterflies
Turns out the job is mind
To sincerely appreciate
To gratify and praise

The tool simply being time

To my friend, my strength
To my lover, my weakness
I commit to our butterfly garden
I'll train myself to love
That complex paradox
Yes my love, it is time

While my innocence grows thin
My heart grows strong
And my love, our love grows deep
Now time being the tool
I'll carve your name on my heart,
like you did when we first met
Touching my heart like there was nothing surrounding it
No bone nor muscle nor flesh

Now that puppies have gone
And taken their love
And life hits in ways innocent minds don't mix
To have impure intensions
In pure situations
What a fool
What a shame on me
Thought that was my fall
Thought I was stronger than thee

But atlast when the tool had completed it's task
I learn time is always on time
It was your butterfly
Our butterflies that saved me, us
When it spoke and asked 'where is your mind?'

Lord

Thanks for everything
In you I trust
And neither hurt not lust is stronger than your love

I've always been and am still loyal
But what does that matter
All that matters is the heart
Does it please you?

And I've realized that I can't please you without you
So stay by my side
I'll forget my pride
My hurts
Even my goals
All for you

Because I know you're more valuable
My guide
My counsel
My father
My friend

The only one who is never wrong
And stays with me till the end.
Be my guide

I love you
It's
Never
Been
So
Hard....
To say
I love you

I've never been so hurt
At such a tender spot
I've never been so messed up

But I love you
I do
**** it

But how many times will we do this?
How many times will you hurt me and I forgive you?
...
How many times have I hurt you and you forgave me?

I do see myself
As much as I see you
Yes I see you and I see through you completely!
I love you!
**** it!

But fear makes me ask for space
But you are always my happy place.
So don't leave me and I won't leave you

Stay and build and fight with me and the same I'll do.
Hear me
beyond my words
Beyond my actions
And I'll do the same to you

Love me
And I'll love you.

We did didn't we?
Had a hell of a journey.
You always had my back
And I yours

We did everything right
Didn't we?
We set things up in spite of our messed up pasts
And we learned to love

Beauty and the beast but beauty had her own beast locked up inside
Birthed by scars
Inside and out

***** as a child and some memories escape me but scars take longer to fade.
Proof of the abuse
The misuse
But if I never let it go
How can it go away

Beauty has her own beast
Her own failures and misjudgments
Her trials
Her hurts!
Hell yeah it hurts!

But beauty is strong
And she will rise again!

All I can do at this point is feel because those are my friends and thoughts are my foes.
But how would I know?

Where has my sanity gone?
Thoughts were always my safe place and thoughts turned to poetry.

My heart is a poet
It speaks in rhymes and riddles
Feels every stroke
Every letter
Blank pages welcome me
Full ones overwhelm me

For who can write on something already written on?
Far worse for a delicate being such as the heart.

Don't you know how delicate the heart is,
The mind is,
Don't you know you're driving me crazy
But all my helpless poet can do is rant and rave on a page that cannot hear me!
...
And still, it's the only one who hears me
They say pray to God but even him I've shamed him

I've shamed him
My parents
My love
And myself

But I can turn to pages and they won't turn away
I can cry
Scream
Hurt pages and forever they'll stay

Forever?
Really?
Sorry to say
But no
Even they would leave

I'm sorry my poet
If only I can protect you again.