You smile across the room
And it's not aimed for me
But then I see those dimples
Glowing with the embers of your gaze
And I know I will come back to you
No matter what
In hopes to obtain your affection and attention
And feelings I only wish I still caught in my grasp

I'm at that moment in the sleepover
Where I have a headache
From too many sweets and out of tune singing
We are both curled up on the bed under a blanket
Festooned with kernels of makeshift popcorn
The iPad is full of ridiculous videos
And the desk full of dreams on sheets
Of pure dove white paper
Except now it's covered
With glue sharpies and cutouts
But never mind
I couldn't care less now
Because I'm worrying about the money
All spent on food and clothes
Clothes that make you look like you had less food
Than you actually did
I know you're going to snore so bad
But right now I'm writing and laughing
At cheesy videos and hilarious quotes
I wish we could stay together always

Sweat and rubber
Chafes against my toes
Polish chipped like a porcelain doll
Hurling juvenile patter around
Like drops of sweet rain
Cooling the smouldering tirade
Flying on horseback
Wind twirling non-existing
Scalding coils spurt up limbs
Bubbling out in incandescent mirth
Linking and tripping
Stumbling doggedly along
Ridged gelatinous arcs
Superior to the first incline
Propelling ever up

In a field full of dandelions
It's full of possibilities
In one breath
That whistled across the grass
Passing between chapped lips
It's plucked from the soil
Chosen for a feat of beauty
Then it is scattered

My solution was not at the bottom
Of a tall proud wineglass
In the middle of a stuffy bar
Or lust found in the shadows
Of five 'o' clock bedsheets
It was with you
You held it in your grasp
Only you had a band aid so pure
So untainted by judgment
And provoked by labour
So I was deemed worthy
By the choices I made
Which brought me closer to you
Happiness relief and joy
Is what you ever bring
And I'm glad you save it for me
Never dwindling in love
And I will give mine in return
After all we became an orb of cognition and infatuation

Unexpected chinks of sunlight
Drain through the corrugated iron
Dripping off my shoulders
Washing away the tears and pain
But I wonder
Did they even exist
Or were the droplets of crystals from my eyes
A shadow passing over
My unexpected chinks of sunlight

I sit numb
Mood swings bipolar
Tendrils of ice reach in
Curling round the window pane
Loosening the stuffy holds
Obliterating them in shards
Of cold gripping suffocating
Yet I don't relieve it
I sit numb
Strapped down forced to think
Of a reason to dare
A sneak behind a window pane
To close it for good
And prevail against the bitter arms
Or I could just sit numb
Aloof from it all
Elevated and ice bound

I don't know what to do
I'm mopey and depressed
So I will sit here and think
Of things that have been happening
But I don't laugh at once hilarious memories
I'm in that somber mood
But I know what not to do
Be productive
Be cheerful
Be lazy
Be active
Be tired
So I will just sit here and be
I will be my neutral self

You are perfect to me
But perfection rolls differently off tongues of vipers
So be warned because they are coming
To taint your heaving soul
In all its coiling perfection
It will grasp onto any knowledge
Any rumour
And it will spread it into the fathomless places
But you will still be perfect to me
Even as they rip away your walls
Leaving you vulnerable
Unshielded
Writhing beasts will come upon
And no one can stop them
How they perceive you is who you are
But I perceive you to be perfect
Don't let them grab ahold of you
Because they will compress every last tendril of hope
From your lungs
And murderous ink will drip from the punctures
Of their deceit
So heed warning and don't go near the viper pit
If you wish to retain perfection

I have no dreams
No aspirations
But I'm driven forward
Ever receiving
With capabilities for miles
But I can't fulfill them
Because I just don't know
Passionless for a particular thing
No pet habits
But still good
Still scraping by
Exceeding expectations
With nothing to live up to
No title to nurture

Please dont hit me
Im sorry
I know it was my falt
But the bruses hurt
So I cried
I promise I wont do it again
Ill make it up too you
And I won't say that it was you
Ill say it was my falt
So you dont get blamed
Im just stuped  I know
But it will be our secret
You know about the purpel
The purpel blotches flowering
Across my brokun skin
But never mind
It doesnt hurt that bad
So I will stop crying now
Just please dont hit me again
I wont cry anymore
Because it was my falt anyway
I shouldnt have brokun it
You know the coffee mug
It was just you accidentally
Bumped into me
I wasnt pushed or anything
It was all my falt
Because Im no gud  
But you love me anyway
And you show it with the purpel flowers
Circling my body
Its for my own good
Im sorry you had to hit me

Ugh* I cannot sleep
I'm not even in wakeful limbo
Why even bother counting sheep
When I have to wake up and deal with mean ******

Ugh my frame tosses and turns
But all I want is to be deadly still
Because I feel the yearning burns
And all I want is a night nurse pill

Ugh my mind still keeps ticking
Dabbling from thought to thought
And my bed sheet won't stop clinging
Until I'm suffocated by the pain it's brought

Ugh it's too dark
But if it was lighter that's even worse
Still the shadows dance clean and stark
And sleep is now a curse

I was always never
Sneaking through the wisps of wisps
Praying loudest in the weakest gasps
Never needed never wanted
Always there for fake reliability
There but never quite there
Sought after in forgotten vain

One step
And I fall
So easy
So simple
So that's what I do
I fall
Down towards the thrashing rocks
Dipping in to the freezing depths
Inclining  my head
And thinking of all that has come
And will come
Come to an end
But I don't want it to end
I've decided it's too soon too late
I want to drag it out longer
I want to savour the salt on my lips
The thrill in my blood
But it's too late
It's always too late
But at least it was easy, simple
Never mind I can't stop now
Nothing can't prevent the incessant tumbling
So I will just be enveloped
By the sandy crests
Goodbye

You bore me
With your trivial formalities
Stiff ironed ways
Particular uptight wants
I feel tucked in
Blanketed over
Because I imagine things so much better
And I can't move on
If I've fought this hard
Repairing the stigmas
Stitching up and down
A feathery pillow
Not quite relaxing and wanting to be there
I don't want to turn into them
Waiting and waiting
Tossing over a duvet
Afraid to crinkle
Upsetting the delicate folds  
Calm down
Loosen up and be yourself
Unless that is the real you
And if so
You bore me

I'm sick of you
And your demands
And your temper
And your attitude
And your bratty ways
And I don't want to stand for it no more
So I wont
I will try and leave you
And you will try to come back again
But that ain't gonna happen
Unless you learn from your mistakes
And actually apologise
Sincerely,truly,earnestly apologise
For what you have done to me
I bled for you
And you don't even know that
And I ain't telling you
Because I don't trust you with nothin
An from now on it is never gonna be the way it was
It may look like it
But I have put up a barrier between us
That won't come down easily
But I'll play nice
For the others sakes
Cause I don't wanna lose them
Over you cause it's not worth it

One minute you are with me
And I fall for it again
Then you turn on me with anger
And I scrape to find dignity again
Even though it's a fulmination
And I don't understand
I relive with recreation
Waiting for those moments when we walk hand in hand

I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do
But I can't stand the pretence anymore
For I know if it carries on too long
We shall both be caught in fabrications
Of the reality we belong in
And I need help because I care for you  still
But not in the way I'm expected to
I'm too bittersweet for this sort of thing
And you're too withdrawn and doting
So that's why it has to end
Right  now ,before I'm torn further

No one likes you
But I feel sorry for you
So I will hang around in the curtains
A fake a shambles
Here to let you lean on
Until someone walks the shadows and I kick you off
Screaming in a pretence of disgust
Fawn eyes glaze over
And the scars run deeper
Losing faith in humanity

I miss you
So much it contracts on me
Out of the sweet baby blue sky
Your name is pulled bitter as lemon

I miss you
My childhood sweet heart
I cry for you like a raven
What we once were was messed in parting

I miss you
My head is pounding throbbing
Rembering the years long love
Only to find out twas returned back

I miss you
Too late I fear
For we've both moved on melancholy
But the future together could have been so much better

I miss you
For that's the way the clocks chime
Cogs spinning further apart
Why didn't the paths stay the same

I miss you
It could have been insanely easy
Knitting together like ever before
But I've made a different choice

Forgetting that I miss you
And ever so want to kiss you
Quite lightly on the cheek

Banging banging banging
Against the head board
Thinking of good reasons to do things
Head growling humming whispering
Good enough but not good enough
Every which way spinning
Convulsing
Bright lights in the corner
But how to reach it
Turn it off
It's too big of a glimpse
Into what's in store
Just so infuriatingly close
Just so far

The warm safe haven
People wonder why I wear it
It's a layer between me and cold
A fluffy lamb to protect me from rain
And it hides my secrets
It protects me when I'm tired
As a place to lay my head
And it's very diverse of course
It just makes me feel
Nice
And it smells so familiar
Plus you can hide stuff in it
Ben and Jerrys ice cream spoons skipping ropes
I could go on
But it's just mine
So I can't explain how I feel
About it

I get that buzz when I see your name
I get excited to see you
I worry I don't deserve you
I worry that I'm too emotional for you

I think that I fully understand you
I think our relationship is flustered and dysfunctional
I know that I love you
I know that I know nothing about this kind of thing

I wish I could always be there for you
I wish that you will never discard me
I want laughter and fun
I want us

If people knew what I saw in the mirror
Would they look at me in disgust
If people knew what their comments did to me
Would they have thought it in the first place
If people knew what I thought of them
Would they be scared or confused
If people knew what I did for them
Would I have been given a second chance

Should I hate you?
With mind so opposing to mine
But in that frame
Captured by that camera
We are so close
We laugh together
We breathe in the scent of dewy grass
People think I use you
People think you use me
They have no idea
Because I still know you better

I want to play a game with you
One where I always win
But never feel or love
I want to reach out and entice you
Grab your shirt and pull you in
I'll make it strong and you'll make it sweet
But I will never wait around
To see how good the ending could be
I'm going to hurt you
But I don't care
Because well that's what I do best
It's what I achieve in
I want to apologise for my abrupt behaviour
But that would shatter
The carefully strung illusion
I'm going to leave you
And you already know it
So why hold on when it could snap anytime
The reason is always the same
You don't love me
You love the games I play

Why bother with family and friends
No seriously think about it
You're going to die anyway
So what's the point in having
Short lived companions that only cause pain
Yes you have the good times
But so does everyone else
So why is it special and cherished
When love is handed out freely
We are so selfish
The only reason we make friends
Is to get gratification
And to be amused
To flatter ourselves
It's a competition to see who can gain the most
So we can pat ourselves on the back each day
But we are all in the same position
So it seems normal and natural
But sometimes you lose the people
You know the ones who gratify you
And compliment you
And unfortunately your companion  ranking
Goes down and the fight to boost egos slows down
What an awful shame
It can hurt lots when someone doesn't sing your praises
Poor you
But if you gossip and berate, your ex ego booster
You could gain more followers
How exciting!!!!!
Even though that means your following someone as well
**** they could be ahead of you in the friends factor
And it could be all your fault and you could make yourself lose
What a pitiful grotesque shame
Your popularity

I drown in your nonchalance
Complaining and kicking out for help
Don't oppose the sea
It's Forbidden
Scary
Anything it does wrong not its own fault
It's the way the wind blows
And how could you control the wind?
So the waves keep rising and falling onto my head
Not taking notice when I'm screaming out for help
It's one droplet of salt in the sea they say
But it's not just one it's many
It claws your eyes and makes you ache
I'm thrashing frantically waving for help
But the sea doesn't SEE
It's pushed me down below
And it accuses the wind

I'm shielded in a group
Not from anyone in particular
Just a group
Shielded by hope ,innocence
And sweet ignorance
But I know more than what you think
Even when I pull back from things
I am a spectator
And I know what's going on
But I am still hoping it will get better
Keeping my innocence and not becoming part of it
And using my sweet ignorance to overlook it

Unexpected chinks of sunlight drip through the barriers
Cradling me and enveloping me
In a loving embrace
My darling you mean so much.

Intricate fabricated stories and deceits are shared
Secrets leave scars in our hides
Thorns of roses forever imprinted
But they make you who you are

That's why I gravitate towards you
Because we share heartbreak, dreams and hopes
Yet still keep drifting on the brisk bittersweet breeze
Ever forwards to our future

Fragments of memories and actions
The candied sap willing to shield me
From the dripping tears of sadness
That's why I cherish you
Because you learn to grow with me

Palms outstretched
We endeavour as an antagonistic pair
Seperate entities entwined
With a golden burning lustre on the surface

Learning how to function as one
Even though so incompatibly perfect for one another
Because nothing else matters when it's us -
No judgment or propaganda
It's undiluted love and yearning

Laughter ripples underneath the exterior
It works like bewitchment
Smoothly and all at once
Whispering through the woods and engulfing us
In the burning sunlight rays of fervour
My darling you mean so much.

Don't do this to me
I left her for you
And the sweet promise
Of a new best friend
But you are not phased
You drop those hints
To ward me away
But you are so outspoken
Why not just say it to my face
Because You say you have no feelings  
So why would you care
I just want to know
That I'm first for someone
But that's not happening
Without me clumsily pushing them away
And I never knew what it was like for you
But if you don't like me say
Because I'm sorry
And I've had my chance
I blew it on her
The girl I left for you
Please tell me where I stand
One moment I'm so happy
And then you swing polar opposites
So I question our friendship
Don't keep me in the dark
All I want to know is if I'm your first choice
Like you are mine

I left you to your business
And just walked away
No hard feelings
And you came back
With your new posse of supporters
Trying to rile me up
And get their awed glances at your audacity
You're picking something
Out of nothing
I gave you a quick glance
And you make it it out like a death stare
So I will say my piece
That we have no hatred against
One another
But then I will walk away
Because you're not worth my time
Or hassle
Your welcome
I prevented a fight
You're so lucky
That you were being ignored by me
When I walked away

Hey Mr perfect
Don't let me talk to myself
I know you're somewhere out there
So please pick me off the shelf
Who needs friends when I've got you
Because I need a plus one to make my two

I may speak another language
But I still know what you're saying
The words reverberate across your mouth
And play upon your tongue
You may read trite books with drawn out words
But I read raw emotions
As they swell over your body
I see the way you snarl
When you let out a torrent of torment
And cruel words meant for humor
I can tell you it isn't a pretty face
But in actual fact I can't tell you
Because I don't speak your messed up language

I think I love you
But is that good enough
Am I in too deep to back out
Because I feel trapped
I feel like a fake
Or maybe this was the only time I was real
I want to meet up and catch up
Or do I want to say been there done that
Am I using you
Because right now *I think I love you
But will it be true on the morrow

The grass is tickling
My hair
And the breeze is lifting
My toes
As they scrunch up under
The sun
And my nose inhales the smell
Of summer
While the whistling continues from
The trees
And the cooing echoed from
The birds
But there is still an underlying hint of buzzing from
The bees

Glittering beads stream down my face
And I don't even know if they are mine
For the sky is spilling them
But then so are my eyes
They cascade across my hollow cheeks
Leaving a glistening trail
And I dare touch one
It rolls onto my palm
Testing out the rugged skin
On which it has been placed
Then trickles down my arm
One slides through my mouth
Another slicks down my hair
And a jeweled sphere flutters on my scuffed shoes
I look up to the sky and let the rain envelop me
Like a barrier between me and all harm
It washes away the flaws and the mud
And the sweat and the sorrow
Till all that is left is my exposed soul
And I am free

I'm sick of being used
I'm not some toy to pick up
And when something shiny comes along
To discard in a decrepit box of dust
It's not right
I deserve someone as much as you do
Except you have many choices
And I do as well
So why time and time again
Do I bother choosing you
When I could have someone else
Someone who accepts me also
Why should I change to become more like you
When I'm not even wanted just there by luck

I've known your sorry epitome
                        And I want to make it mine
No I want to abolish it
                       And replace it with vibrant memories
Ones that you can breathe in
                      And relish in
Draining all the sad sappy nonsense
                       And giving you something so real and true
Pure in all delinquent ways
                       And rough like a bright tear drop
I'm going to grasp your love
                       And never let it go
I'm going to harness the overwhelming tide somehow I promise
                      And you can have my hope of love which will soon come
I will not make you whole and blemish free
                      And you can never complete me
We can just be there for the chance to glimpse it's changing
                      And to shield it from all harm
It will making going our separate ways easy,  flawless
                      And we will seek the ways together, and singular
Because you cannot love another until you love yourself
                      And when you do, dreams are sure to burst
Into pockets of dripping sunshine
                      And I will be there waiting for you
Love will become easy when whole and understanding

A void is pulling at me
And I'm swallowed
Until I'm in a continuous mode
Don't sleep long enough
Always late always stressed
Never certain of anything
Always scared people will notice
The lines
But if they do see them
Run
Get far away
So you can't see your pursuers
And all you can see is
The lines
The ones that trapped you in the void
The ones who taunt you even still

Ouch I'm hurting
Can't you see it?
Because I see it perfectly
It flickers always at the edge of my vision
But you don't ask anything
Because you don't notice it
Why can't you see it?
I'm not going to tell you
And I'm not going to lie about it
But I want you to know
You're just too caught up
In all the everyday business
But maybe it's not your problem
Maybe I'm seeking attention
But it's so obvious
**Why can't you see it like I do?

I was worn down
I opened up and confided in you
Admired you even
But I didn't really did I
I only wanted what you had
What I thought I needed so badly
Now I have it and more
But it's so unexpected
So inexplicable
I've moved on from it now
But you're still a constant reminder of something
Something I never should have wanted
And I want to go right back to what I didn't have
To where I was before
I had trust, respect ,laughter and I was honest
Now I am you