I think back to the season of us. How everything around us was in bloom. The colors, the joy, and how the raindrops glistened on your skin after that thunderstorm.

I'll never forget how the drought felt. The way the red roses and tulips we had planted wilted and browned. The way the birds stopped singing our names along the treetops. The way our small world, slowly but surely, grew a little less warm.

The following winter was cold and unforgiving. The snow suffocated whatever love we had left, and we neglected to rekindle the dying fire in our chests.

Spring thawed the ice that had once taken my lungs hostage, and with that came fresh breaths of freedom. I planted sunflowers and daisies for myself, and they've grown taller than any flower in our garden ever did.

do not let them take the power
from your strike.
my girls,
you
are a force to be reckoned with.

she was like
a new song i had never listened to,
by a band i had never heard of,
with a beat so foreign to me
i couldn't tell if i liked it or not.
i kept listening though
to see if it would get better,
but eventually i hit pause
and deleted that song
from my playlist forever.
but you,
you were like
a song i'd listened to a thousand times
by my all time favorite band.
i knew every lyric and melody
like the back of my hand.
i rewind to some of the best notes,
over and over again,
and i never get tired of the sounds.

sometimes i think about
your hands.
they are such a small part of you
yet they are
my favorite thing about you.
i have never felt hands that
make me feel safe and desired
in the same touch.
those hands,
your
hands,
have taught me what love feels like.
now i know that
love doesn't feel cold,
it feels warm and strong.
now i know that
love feels like
you.

you used to lean over and doodle
flowers or turtles or fish or random french words
on my worksheets and notes
when i wasn't paying close enough attention.
i'd find them the next day
while i was in a different class and
when i'd question you about it with a smile on my face
you'd just smirk and look away,
but you'd never deny the vandalism.
you never hesitated to give me your sweatshirts to wear
if i was cold during class.
if i said i was tired you'd offer me ibuprofen because
apparently that's what i say
when my head hurts and
you know i downplay pain and
that i hate asking for things.
you would video chat with me late at night
for hours
just so you could listen to me talk while i painted and
i could help you choose a color scheme for your new picture.
you'd walk with me in the mornings before school,
you'd walk with me to class,
you'd walk with me to the bus.
it's been so hard these past five months,
not seeing you in person like i used to,
knowing that the chances of us being in the same room again
are slim to none.
but somehow you haven't given up on me yet,
despite there being every reason to do so.
through our days of silence and
missed phone calls and
unread messages,
you still put in effort.
you still send me pictures of your dog because
you know how much i love her and
that seeing her in penguin socks makes me laugh.
you still call me when you're lonely in the house and
need someone to talk to about your day,
even if it's just for a few minutes.
you still come to me when you need help with homework.
you still text me when you need advice or motivation,
when you need someone
to be proud of you or
to believe in you.
and i will continue to be there for you,
because of the little things you did and
still do for me,
despite there being doubts and
reasons not to do so.
i'll never be able to thank you enough
for the time and friendship you've given me.
you're my person.
i'll never be able to tell you how much
i love and appreciate you.

i am sick of being on this rollercoaster.
i want off this ride, no
it's not a ride because
rides are fun and happy, but this,
this is not fun nor is it happy.
i'm sick of being thrown around like a ragdoll.
i want to stand on my own, but i can't
because i have been made to depend on you, and
it hurts me every time you find
someone new to toy with.
i just want you to stand close to me
and tell me that i'm important.
tell me that i mean something more to you
than all these other girls do.
say that i'm something special.
say that you love me even when you don't.
tell me that i'm beautiful
even on days where i look less than a hundred percent.
tell me that you've missed me
even though you just saw me an hour ago.
i want a love like the princesses have.
i want you to want me so much that you can't sleep,
because that's what i deal with.
make me feel something other than sick.
make me feel loved and beautiful and wanted.
that's all i ask of you.

i am the one you come to
when everything seems to be falling apart.
you wouldn't know what to do with yourself
if you couldn't come to me for answers.
i am the only one you can trust.
the only one that can lift your head
and wipe the tears from your cheeks.
the only one that can make you happy.
where would you be without me?