with the way things have been
i never want to write a poem about you
because if i do
then that means that you, too
will have left me with my own thoughts
writing poems about you to cope
with the permanent eclipse that is my life
for i have lost my sun
writing about the darkness hiding the light
that was once mine

you make me so anxious.

i don't understand why you don't like me anymore
i mean
i do know the answer
but not in the context that is given
if they have forgiven me
why isn't that enough

why isn't their happiness enough for you
when you say that's what you strive for
you are the thing that makes them this way
the thing that makes them anxious
the thing that kills their creativity
the thing that keeps them from making positive relationships in their life

the fact that i am not able to be in the same room as them makes me sick to my stomach
without their worry of getting in trouble
for asking me how they can help
for asking me what's wrong when no one else would

maybe i'm looking at this all wrong
maybe they don't want me in their life at all
but they're too nice to admit that
out of fear of hurting my feelings

that's never what they wanted
but you couldn't see that, now would you?

i sometimes get tired of poetry
poetry that keeps me up at night
thinking of al the wrongs i've done in my life
losing you
hurting them
losing myself

i've learned to like the poetry
poetry that made me think of you
and all the times we've had together
and i've come to realize that those memories should not be forgotten
those memories should be dug up on occasion
on weekends where there is nothing to do
but sit and look back on the good times

as i wake
the warm embrace of the sun's heat greets me hello
sneaking peaks through my curtains, not quite yet invited inside

the breeze of this autumn day gives me the chill of a beautiful chorus
the fallen leaves crunching on the ground in respose

these are the times i look back at my life
i stop and say
"things do get better"

i’m so lonely
i never wanted it to come to this
i never thought it would come to this
only me to comfort myself
as i’m the most tired i’ve ever been
at 3:00 am
with just me to console myself

you cannot tame her
she is as wild and free
as her hair
which i love running my hands through
late at night
when all we feel
is the bliss of each other’s existence

i've seen all of you
from your victories
to your anxiety attacks at 3:00 am

i don't think i've ever seen you in ankle socks

your breath was intoxicating
breathing you in as we'd lay in your bed
it was us against the world
as i would press my lips against your soft jawline
i felt safe and warm
wrapped in your arms
i felt like we could do anything
i felt in love
i guess i just assumed
you felt the same way

i wish i could lay with you
like we used to
to be in you ams
and breathe in your cologne
and be safe
to feel all my anxiety melt away
in your warm embrace

4 days have passed
and you're all i've had in my head
a broken record
playing over
and over
and over again

i'm sorry our conversation turned the way it did
i never wanted to tell you
because i had already broken your heart
but i didn't want to lie to you again

you always hated when i lied

i always hated when your collar was up
and you knew that
just to see the face i always made
i bite my lip and fidget with my ring

how i'd love to fix it for you
how i'd love to brush the hair out of your eyes
how i'd love
to hold you again

i just can’t seem to fathom
how much i loved you
and how much you hurt me

old love, how i've missed you
i'd love more than anything
to come running into your open arms
but you'll leave me
you have no other choice
i want to rekindle our love
our candle with the most wonderful sent
that lingers in every room
in this house we've built
inside these walls i feel so safe
but honey,
we both know it's about to crumble
at any given moment
let's hope we're not inside when it does

i wish i could stop writing poems
about you
but you're always the first thing
to come to my mind

i haven't always been this way
my mind hasn't always been a mess
before you came along
i was grounded
you
had lifted me up
and given me a taste of heaven
you
made me feel safe
as we'd pass the nights
listening to our heartbeats and soft music coming from your phone
and feeling the rise and fall of your steady breathing
before you
i used to think straight

i hate when i can't sleep
because my mind is racing
around thoughts of you
always being careful not to knock you down, however
though I never can see why
after all, you've put me through
all of the nights spent thinking of what I did wrong
all the glares I receive from you as you pass me by
you
aren't afraid to knock me down
but I could never imagine hurting you
like you did me

it's 7:50 pm
and i'm sitting across from you
in a booth at Perkins
hearing the hardest words i've ever heard you say
come out your mouth
"i can't fix her"
and i look at you and say
"you're not god.
you won't always be able to fix her.
what matters is that you're here for her
now."

what I wouldn't give
to touch you again
to feel your embrace
trust me, darling
there's nothing I want more
then to hold you once again
but I'm scared
I'm terrified
that all of the pain
will come back again
in one swift punch
flooding my brain

and i can't sleep
i'm up every hour
and i
don't
know
why.

i still think about you
but not
the way i used to
now,
when i see you,
i panic.

i know i shouldn't
my mom says i shouldn't let you
control me.

i don't want you to control me
but i want you

i can’t wait
to fall in love again
to feel the way
you made me feel
again
not the way you make me feel now
but before all the mess
when it was just bliss
to hear your heart beat
and to feel your chest rise and fall
as i would drift away
in your arms

oh how i can’t wait
to find another like you
again

my mother always told me
to never lick the peanut butter off the knife when i was done
even though you'll get the extra treat,
you can get cut
and i've always thought this was stupid for her to tell me
because i knew if i licked the knife that i'd probably get cut
but i never knew if how right my mother was
and i couldn't see that you were the knife
how the chance of getting so close to you sounded delicious
and i still had that chance of getting cut
but i would've taken anything for you
at the time
and now
all i want to do
is tell my mother
how right she was

and i still miss you
after all this
all the poetry
all the lies
all the hurt
all the nights
thinking about you
thinking about your eyes
and your laugh
god, that laugh.

thinking of how much i got to know you
how hard i fell for you
and how hard i hit the ground when you left.

all the nights
laying awake and thinking
"what happened"
"how did this happen"
"what did i do"
and i ask myself these questions
but it's useless
because after all this time
i don't know what "this" ever was

you used to park outside my house
and just wait there
because you knew i'd come out to get you
and bring you inside with me

i used to always keep my curtains open
so i could see when you'd come
and park
but never tell me when
so i was always unaware of when you'd be here
or why

why you were ever here never comes to mind
if you insist to everyone i wasted your time
believe me darling,
i wish i could say that you wasted mine.

i still keep my curtains open
but i should know better by now.

you won't be back.

they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
and yours told a story of beauty,
and pain.
and i could look into them for hours
and never get tired of those
same
old
stories.
but now,
darling,
i can't keep my windows open
because i always look for you
when i know you wont be back
and that's the pain i don't ever want to see

when we first hung out,
we sat on your roof
and listened to The 1975
now,
i'm on my roof
alone
wishing those sweet sounds i once heard
was your voice telling me to stay

you aren't lost,
but i am looking for you,
because you are lost to me
and i don't know what i did.

i will always love you,
no matter what i do
or what you do
or what you don't,
but i guess that's okay
because i loved you
i still do
and i always will

your eyes
are as chaotic and beautiful
as oceans crashing on the shores,
and darling,
i'm caught up in your tide.
and even though i never asked for this,
it's all i ever wanted.