This is neither a poem, a story nor a piece meant to share. At least I am sure it is not, so I write it here.
I have the strongest vision of possibility in my mind and I am bursting to share what may or may not be.
Him. I see him. Whether we are deep in conversation or far from it; whether I am outside in the cold or inside in the warmth.
I see him, always. I think of him, always. I have led myself into a state of dreaming and placed him firmly in the story.
I envision the future. What could be but will likely never be. The strangest thing is that it doesn't even hurt.
I am wondering what this is. Most people would call it being in love, yet I don't believe I have fallen at all.
Let alone fallen in love. This is what it is; we are both bouncing off of each other without worry. It feels good. The simplest of descriptions: good.
Are we playing with fire? Perhaps. May that fire erupt and scar us? I certainly hope now. I won't let it and - if that is what is destined,
I will stand in the firing line to protect you. I will let you walk free.
This year my life will change and I sincerely look forward to you becoming a bigger part of it.
The mere idea of going out to dinner with you has me on the cusp of complete and utter delight.
I wish to fly farther than I ever have before, despite the fear that has held me back all of these years. It seems worth it.
Not for you alone, but while that may seem a terrible reason to leave here - accept you are, hopefully, a part of the excitement.
I cannot wait to feel the ground beneath my feet thousands of miles from home. I cannot wait to meet new friends, new acquaintances and new possibilities.
While dinner may be as friends, I fully understand that. A friendship with you is worth the anticipation of 'What if?'
Some may tell me I am foolish, thought I have never disclosed any of this to anyone. If anybody were to ask I would remain silent or at least fight off the silly little remarks that can be expected of the general population.
This is not to say they are wrong to say what they do: to joke, to tease, to taunt the way they do.
I think I am fine with that. After all, what does it even matter? Are they going to play a large part in my future? It's unlikely.
I feel a little blue to think that way however that is what it is. They are my present but I feel I may leave them soon. They may abandon me first.
Besides, they are important enough to me to include them in my thoughts. They have helped my get to this point. I have great thanks for that.
I am not yet who I feel I ought to be but I have begun the journey and I am ever so excited to continue. I can't believe my luck sometimes.
Had it not been for these people, those select few, I would have likely never opened up to you. I would likely have remained fairly anonymous and continued to long for the close connection that I believe we have created. It is a creation I adore.
This is a collection of my thoughts and I felt a little tense about digging deeper. I mentioned I have thought of the future.
Did I mention I played you in my dream once? Purposefully. I let you take me to your favourite place, the one memory that you treasure.
It excites me to think that I may visit there this year, with you as my guide. I would like that very much. If only to realise that dreams are just that - dreams.
Perhaps I will indulge with you that exact dream one day. Though it would need to be after we journey there. I wouldn't wish to place thoughts in your head.
I fear it would alter any possibility of those things happening. You started it. With that remark about throwing me over the rails - remember?
I told you it would be a struggle. I told you you'd need a forklift truck.
This is going well. My mind is unravelling and in doing so I am smiling. I feel like I should be worried, concerned, apprehensive.
Yet I am calm. I am content. I am, for whatever reason, completely looking forward to the year ahead. I have a destination, I have friends, I have desires.
I told you I would write a list of lists that need made. I have yet to do this but another thing is taking priority. Just a few more days, perhaps a week.
The lines are getting fewer and yet I could happily lay here for a good hours. I think I may have to pinch myself over the coming weeks, just so I can believe this is real. I sincerely hope it all goes to plan.
This is bizarre to say the least. Me, of all people, having thoughts like this. It's bizarre for anybody so young to dream so big, isn't it?
I think of all the silly little things I could do there, the places I could do. The people I may meet, WILL meet. There is so much to plan and to think, it's not that far.
Look at me. Full of hopes, dreams, aspirations, thoughts, plans. They're coming before the fear. They're finally coming before the fear. The fear is there but it is hidden.
It is laying low. I am in control and it feels refreshingly cool.
This year my life will change. I'm just saying that again to try and let it sink in. My life will change. For the better, not for the worse this time.
I am going to improve my life, my body, my mind and in turn my future. No longer will I be living in the past. Honestly? I am incredibly excited. The word terrified isn't even coming in to the equation at this point.
This is where my time comes to an end. This didn't pan out the way I thought it would in my head but that's fine. In this moment I feel I can do anything.
I can feel, and I know I will succeed. Here's to 2013.