You know something? Forget it.
Yesterday I made a decision, it has slammed down on me hard today that
It was the wrong one.
Do I honestly care what you do? No.
I'm done with pussyfooting around.
You may read this and you are welcome to take the self-centred route,
To think this is all directly for you.
This is not for you, nor about you, nor solely aimed at you.
This is for all of you.
I am not talking about your precious little squad,
Your comfort or your hollow friendships. They were once mine, too, remember?
This is about me.
I am completely aware of how I am feeling right now,
I am confronting how I feel and this is simply the first step.
Unlike you (yes, this is specifically yours), I do not take comfort in the
Sorrow of others. I do not see it as right to take pleasure in someone's hurt.
What did it provide you with? Did you get the recognition you crave for your words?
I realise you have removed it from the public domain, good choice.
I realise this is my opinion but you daren't knock it for what it is.
Would it be foolish of me to call myself a friend now? Yes.
Would it be foolish of me not to say these words, with the hope that you will loathe them? Yes.
If what I think, if what I write, if what you are reading, hurts then feel hurt,
But do not think for a second you should feel hurt and move on.
I only ever wanted to help you but you constantly refuse.
I know you. I know you want to change but you're holding back.
I know you because that was me, and trust me - it gets you nowhere.
You doubt that people like you and at the same time you say things to hurt them.
You choose to say those words. Your apology afterwards means nothing.
Like others, I say that it's fine but it never is. It's never okay to hurt others for your benefit.
When has that ever been the definition of friendship?
Enough. This is beginning to become pointless. It likely always has been.
Do you want to know something? My week has been terrible.
In comparison to the lives of others, it has been average, but I am not them.
I have not quite been myself, again. I have been more stable but still,
I have not quite been myself. Who has cared to ask me how I am?
Not. One. Soul. At least not outside of courtesy.
It is generally a way of opening conversation to ask "How are you?"
I will respond with 'Not so great', 'I've been better' or most recently 'So-so'
And not one single person asks why that is.
Except for one.
Directed to you, once again, for this is important.
You often told me you thought everyone hated you. Do you ever ask yourself why?
Perhaps it's because you openly ignore their wishes, you expose information about them that they entrusted you with.
I dread to think what you have told others about me, there were things I told you in confidence.
It's unfortunate that I cannot trust nor believe you kept your mouth shut.
Not that any of it matters now. I'm done with you and your lack of respect.
I woke up today to find my request had been dealt with, I only wish you would do the same.
I understand, though, that life doesn't always give you what you want and perhaps that's luck.
I asked someone what I can do to help fix myself, they provided me with eleven steps.
I feel like it won't work, but I'm doing it anyway. Yesterday was horrific.
I had a fever, and I had nobody to look after me. I had nobody to talk to and nothing to make me feel any better.
I spent my day under a blanket of three covers and yet I was still shivering.
I thought for a moment 'Is this a migraine?' as the intensity of my headache was so severe.
I could not move, I could not bring myself to move.
I had aching muscles and I did not care for food. I knew I ought to eat something to get my strength up but I could not muster more than a yoghurt. Nothing tasted right.
I was dehydrated and weak. It was almost as if my body was mimicking the sufferings of my mind.
My heart is not broken but it may as well be. Someone threw it in my face, once. Practically laughed at me.
I simply reminded myself that immaturity is not something that I admire. I brushed it off, but it still comes back to me every now and then. I can hear that laughter. How cruel and selfish humans can be.
Besides, this love is the kind of love that does not limit itself to my wants, or my needs, or my desires.

I'm beginning to see why people dislike you,
Why you constantly believe they hate you.
You give them every reason to,
You are aware of it and yet you won't change.
Even I dislike you now, and I gave my all
Into a friendship I thought went both ways.
As it turns out you only want people when it suits.
As it turns out you can't keep your mouth shut.
You spread gossip and rumours, even secrets.
People won't trust you, and I certainly don't.
I regret ever believing you were genuine.
I regret ever letting you know part of me.

I will make this clear, I will make it vividly so.
I want to get away from you.
From you, from them, from the whole sorry affair.
For a reason so simple I cannot possibly make it clearer.
Have the words of a man named Desmond Tutu:

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.
If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."

I believe those words. I stand by them dearly.
While the situation involved neither an elephant nor mouse,
It was a situation in which a stand was there to take.
You chose to take it in silence, in lies.
As the mouse, I could not and cannot appreciate neutrality.

I believe there were no sides to take, simply a stand.
You are able to appreciate the side of both parties, without taking sides.
Rather than speak publicly, as is expected of your position, you
Remained silent. You spoke, possibly in my defence, behind closed doors.
I knew not your opinion, I merely knew the crumbs you threw my way.

The crumbs of friendship you felt would fill in the cracks.
Crumbs are just that, crumbs. They merely distract for a short while.
I was foolish, I took it in my stride, and believed to see the best in you.
I haven't heard from you since. From any of you since. Silence speaks.
You are weak and I am sorry for you. I cannot offer you a fifth chance.

I will forget you one day, though you won't believe it yet.
You won't believe it or you will not wish to. Not you, surely?
I appreciate the time we had but I realise the friendship was empty.
It served its purpose and it has long since diminished. Long since.
I offered countless opportunities, I waited and I waited, but no more.

It finally happened, I think.
I fell.

The strangest part of it all is that I don't regret a thing. I doubt I can accurately describe it.
I can point you to all the quotes and sayings that I know of but none of them sit quite right.
Does that mean I ought to find my own? Who dictates that everything needs words behind it?
Why do we need to transform our feelings, our thoughts, our hearts in to words?
I'm not sure, but I suppose this is me doing just that. Right now.

So let me tell you. Let me tell you, in the best way that I can, what the situation is.
I fell.

I didn't just fall today. I think I fell the day before and on a few other occasions.
That's alright though. I don't feel sad about it, and I definitely don't feel too blue.
It's new. I hear both sides of the conversation. I know what is right and what isn't.
I don't let it get to me much. I know that if I let it consume me and focused on the negative
That I wouldn't, I just couldn't, be able to go about my days, that's all.

I'm doing a pretty shabby job of describing it all. I'm known for being vague, but the fact is
I fell.

A lesson that we all should learn
Is to be loved and in return
Accept those who love our flaws, our mind
For they are worthy, and they are kind.

You see, for you shall be alone
If you cannot love nor feel at home,
With someone there to listen, and mend
Your aching thoughts, dearest frightened friend.

So do not fret if you do not find
A lasting friend for all of time.
For to the world you must return
Your love for all, your lessons learnt.

We don't
Have to
Yearn for
Weak love.
Our hearts
Need all
The help
You see.
Our hearts
Undo
Lost hope
Each time.
A love
Ventures
East, they
Meet West.
Each time
A love
Leaves South
Or the
North, it
Ends there.