TWELVE. THAT'S THE NUMBER OF CHESTS I'VE GONE THROUGH - TRYING TO FILL YOUR SHOES OR AT LEAST COVER THE FOOTPRINTS YOU LEFT ON MY HEART BUT NONE OF THEM ARE LIGHTNING OR EVEN MATCHSTICKS NO MATTER HOW MUCH TEQUILA I POUR DOWN MY THROAT. I CALL YOU  THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY  BUT THE TRUTH IS YOU WERE GONE LONG BEFORE YOU LEFT AND NOW YOU'RE BACK BUT NOT HERE TO STAY. AND YOU'RE NOT THE SAME AND I KNOW YOU NEVER WILL BE BUT YOU DO THIS TO ME EVERY SINGLE ******* TIME. AND NOW YOUR EYES ARE GOING TO HAUNT ME WHEN I'M ASLEEP AND YOUR VOICE IS GOING TO HAUNT ME WHEN I'M AWAKE AND I'M GOING TO SIT AROUND AND COMPARE THEM TO THE NORTHERN LIGHTS AND NATURAL DISASTERS LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING JUST THAT FOR THE LAST NINETEEN MONTHS. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I NAVIGATE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IT DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER AND THE WORST PART IS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

You asked me what I want
But how do you mean?

Like a wish?
Because it's always been a dream of mine
to fly with my own wings
or to control time
so that maybe I'd get enough sleep
and I could draw out the memorable moments until I'm sick of them
and then
maybe
sometimes when I need a break I could just stop everything
and focus on the serene silence of a world frozen in place

But does this wish have to obey the rules of this reality?
because if that were the case
then I could wish for the attention of that one boy
the one with the electricity in his fingertips
and that might temporarily please me

Or I could wish myself convenience
I could wish that my hoodie strings never crept uneven
I could wish that my nails stayed short and neat
so I didn't have to cut them
I could even wish that I knew everything there was to know

Or I could wish for something to better the world
I could wish that natural disasters were a myth
I could wish that 'pretty' didn't mean anything more than the empty breath of air and intangible vibrations that it actually is
That it didn't have any more impact than 6 letters of graphite should

Or I could wish for something to better myself
I could wish for better handwriting
so maybe I can convince myself that my words are worth the paper they stain
Or I could wish for endurance
Or effortless conversation skills
Or pristine work ethic-
something I can use to my advantage in the future to ensure success.

Or I could just wish for success.
I could wish for the job of my dreams
endless money
the perfect family
but where's the fun in that?

I could even use my wish to help someone else
cure someone of their terminal cancer
Hell-
I could wish up a cure for cancer!

I could wish that mosquitoes didn't exist
or that I had a photographic memory
or that I lived somewhere I could wear flip flops in January
or that I would never age, never feel pain
I could wish for an A on my next science test
or that poverty inversely reflect humanity

But you know what I think?
I think it's human nature to feel discontent
and I think
that's vital
to the evolution of the human race

I think that we need it
to continue
to grow
and better ourselves

So what do I want?
What's my one wish?

I wish that I could believe in the magic of the stars peeking through tonight's sky

Everyone feels broken sometimes
It's easier that way

We want to be broken
Because, if we're broken,
Then  we can be fixed

Right?

Then there's hope
Things can improve

Right?

It's harder to accept
This is just how life is

This misery
This pain
This dying
This is just normal

It doesn't get better
But it deosn't get worse either

the truth is no one ever taught me how to fix a flat tire or how to ask for help or what love was even good for in the first place

and the truth is that the cookie was good but the lemon icing wasn't and the truth is baking should be done without any kind of lemon at all

and the truth is i wish you'd hold me close enough that our skin fused together and i could burrow into your spine and learn all the things you won't teach me

and the truth is you were never good at making eye contact but i dare you to look at me long enough that i can trace the line that connects your iris to your pupil and count how many shades of black a person can produce

and the truth is i don't know if the grass has fingerprints but i know that yours are cigarette stained and no better at letting go than mine

and the truth is i am a dump site and you are an inhale and i am clockwork and you are a melody and i can't keep my teeth off your eloquence

and the truth is my feet are covered in acrylic paint from leaving smudged footprints in sparkly things

and the truth is i don't want you all to myself but you can pretend i'm yours when i'm engulfed in the ocean and making it hard for you to breathe

and the truth is i'm looking for a different kind of intimacy from you

and maybe it's just some teenage girl talking but the truth is that i want to drown with you. i want to burn with you. i want to scream with you so violently that the body that crushes my lungs crumbles and i become a balloon for real this time

and the truth is, if you hadn't called me beautiful, i would have mistaken last night for a paradise i don't believe in

Kiss me hard before you go
Let me feel your electric aura
Touch the chaos that encompasses your mind
Give me one last glimpse of the fire in your eyes
One last chance to learn to feel alive

Overwhelming nostalgia blazes through my veins
And I fumble amongst the echoes of white noise

Trembling flashes of our summer together
Light up the inside of my head
The way thunderstorms lit up every night sky last June

I reach out, trying to touch one before it sizzles away
Trying to grasp any single intangible moment

Anything to feel your electricity again

But my fingertips are bruised from the static
And my efforts are in vain

Like trying to catch lightning in a bottle

The same lightning that flickers behind your smiling eyes
The same lightning I see every time I close mine

It takes this boy three words to figuratively melt all my literal progress, to turn my thoughts right back into the whirlwind of memories I've spent the past twelve months trying to silence. At last, I stopped hearing his voice in the howling wind but two missed calls and a couple 2AM texts later and I can't think straight. I see his smile in the spaces between my fingers and LOOK ALIVE, SUNSHINE ricochets around my skull, firing my synapses sharply while his hurricane laughter echoes between my neurons.

Three words to rip all of my unexpressed feelings from their neatly-packed shoe boxes and send them swirling around my head in that violent vortex that took a year to subdue.

Three words to unleash the chaos I had finally repressed.

I love you so let's get this ******* nightmare started.

I don't want smart.
I want spontaneous.

I don't want roses and a candle-lit dinner.
I want drunken nights by the campfire.

I don't want a boy that says 'I love you'
Because I don't believe in love
And, even if I did,
I'm not emotionally capable of feeling it.
I want a boy that's okay with that.

I don't want a boy that showers me with compliments
or a knight in shining armor.
I don't want mushy love letters or romantic get aways.
I don't want a boy who's looking for a wife
because I don't believe in marriage.
And I don't want a lover.
I want a partner in crime.

I want a boy with chaos flickering in his eyes.
I want a boy who smiles a lot.
I want contagious laughter.
I want loud.
I want steamy kisses where he presses my body into his and my skin tingles.

I don't want late night phone calls or 'Good morning' texts.
I want a boy that calls me out on my *******.
I want a boy that pushes my buttons.
I want a challenge.

I don't want a boy that makes me feel pretty.
I want a boy that makes me feel alive.

I want a boy that taps on my window in the middle of the night
And brings me on a starlit adventure.

I don't want a boy that makes love.
I want a boy that will **** me raw.
And I want a boy that will let me pass out on him afterwards.
And I want a boy that won't get offended if I move away in the middle of the night
Because cuddling hurts my neck and his heartbeat is keeping me awake.

I don't want a boy that holds hands.
I want a boy that drives too fast.
I don't want a boy that babies me.
And I don't want a shoulder to cry on
Because I'm not fragile
And I can take care of myself.
I want a boy that pushes me into oncoming sprinklers
And doesn't hold anything back.

I don't want a boy that's looking for forever
because forever seems like a really long time.
I want a boy that goes day by day.

I don't want safe.
I want to go fast.
I want to live on the edge.
I want exhilaration.

I don't want to be wanted.
I want to want.

Your aura is electric
Stimulating

Come hither
You make me feel alive

I won't ask much
Promise

Show me your world
Teach me how to soar
Share the rush

He says he loves you and you feel a surge of euphoria. You feel like water that's just been brought to a boil. You feel everything all at once and you feel it violently churn like the ocean inside you. You feel so much that you might burst if you felt anymore. Your legs tremble under the weight of it all. He sees your passion in the way you look at him like he's forest, like he's sunset, like he's mountain. He feels your panic in the way your hands touch him like he's lightning, the way they clutch him like he's lifeline. He squeezes you gently and you realize you've been holding your breath. The words escape your lips in an exhale and you know right then and there that nothing will ever be the same again.

They say home is where the heart is
But what if you don't have a heart?
What if you don't have roots or walls or a spine?
What if you have nothing holding you together
And nothing tearing you apart?
What if you're a mere echo of a stray soul stuck in limbo?
A lump of atoms,
A burnt match,
A drifting vagabond,
Naked, lost, and numb in this cosmic paradox
Where satisfaction is but a distant memory

Ask me what it feels like to be dead inside. Go ahead. Ask.
I know you're curious.

It's like swimming in circles.

You can't see the shore and you can't see past the surface of the water. You're moving but you're not making any progress and it's frustrating. Your muscles are on fire and you're hungry but you keep going because what else is there to do? You could stop and just wade but you know that if you do that you'll give up that much quicker. You wonder what it would be like to surrender and let the water wrap you in it's unknowable depths for the rest of time. You wonder how deep it is and what it's like down there but you figure you'll end up there inevitably someday anyway so you keep going for the time being.

You can change the way you move through the water and how fast you go but you never stop swimming. There's a variety of weather and waves you experience. Sometimes it's nice and the water is calm and you can forget about the emptiness you feel inside and do the backstroke to feel the sunlight on your cheeks but other times it's cold and the choppy waves smash into your face and sting your eyes and all you can focus on is your breathing over the burning in your joints. Nevertheless, you swim and swim and swim without any destination, waiting for the next change to come.

You do a lot of thinking. You wonder what it must be like to feel anything other than longing and discontentment and exasperation. You ponder the big questions and answer the little ones and you try to fill the void inside you with complicated concepts and pretty words. You thoroughly analyze yourself, coming to terms with everything that makes you what you are. You're not happy but not sad either. You're not even somewhere in between. You gave up crying a long time ago because it never helped anything but you still laugh when you get the chance. You're very practical and proud of your cognitive abilities but you also suspect that they are the reason why you don't experience emotions the way other people seem to. You once read "Those who are sensible about love are incapable of it" somewhere and you think just maybe that applies to all the feelings you don't feel. This almost makes you feel distraught, or maybe you just want it to. Regardless, you contemplate anything and everything to distract yourself from the never-ending circles.

You swim and swim and swim and swim because that's all you can do and all you want
all you've ever wanted
is to feel alive
but you don't know how.

And that, my friends, is what it feels like to not feel anything at all.
Swimming in circles.

I'm not
looking for comfort
but it's also no
coincidence
that every time
someone dies I find
myself wrapped
in a new boy's arms.
Like
maybe
this one
can catch lightning
in a bottle or
make my pulse mimic
thunder
again.
Like
maybe
this time
his heat on my skin
will
sear the
vacancy inside me
shut.

I don't need you
to solve
all my problems.
I just need you
to not
become one
of them.