you have winter in your veins
and i know at point i lived for the glacial temperatures.

i lived for the ice covering my bones
and you filling my body up to the brim with your filthy mistakes and careless words. how much do i have to pay you to hear you say those three little words again?

i keep replaying the vhs tape to our movie even though i always know how it ends.
i know how it ends, yet i watch it like a deer watches the headlights because i long for the familiarity that was once us, even though it makes me want to purge my guts out until my throat is strained and scratched.

i got drunk off your finger-crossed promises that the light at the end of the tunnel was right ahead and we needed to keep our head up. i sipped from your cup of honeyed words as if your delusional paradise could quench my thirst.

i’m slowly breaking down and distinguishing the pronunciations of safety and comfort, and they no longer sound like your name. they don’t sound like your name at all.

all you ever did was visit. you never stayed. my heart and ribcage was a home to you inconsistently inhabited whenever you feel alone and weak. but when the time came to renew the lease, you left me to sit fully furnished with your bad intentions; all the weight of your baggage that you were tired of carrying on your back was unloaded onto me. i reached my full capacity a long time ago, but you were blind to see that i was overflowing.

i would rip my lungs out if it meant it would quiet my screams that cry for you

i bite my tongue because i know my words never meant anything to you.

when i walked away from you, i left behind a universe filled ecstasy and unwanted come downs.

and i always tried to make you sure you were safe and had something to hold onto so you wouldn’t go flying away

but i guess you loved being high more than the firm grounding i put you on time and time again.

we found comfort in the chaos
but i’m no longer your lovebird
i’m ready to be set free from my cage for good.

you pull the trigger just for fun
forgetting i’m a loaded gun.

if i didn’t worship you like i worshipped the moon, maybe we would’ve turned out just fine. but here i am, weeping and being bathed with the moonlight’s kiss as i beg for your return but all i feel is your presence lingering in the atmosphere while your touch is imprinted on my bones and became another layer of skin.

i.

i ripped a page of my mixtape heart and watched the lyrics of a sad love song burn in a fourth degree. i’m so sorry, honey. you are the only memento i have of him; the only remembrance i have left.

but as i hold on to your tragic melody that rings in my ear drums, the more i feel the sting of love decaying like ashes from a cigarette that die with the wind

even now, thoughts of him fade in and out of my foggy brain, flickering like the lights in a horror movie. his smile could set the whole town ablaze, and his eyes, oh his eyes held a hellfire.

he buried himself alive in my head along with yesterday’s bones and yet, when i close my eyes, i am still haunted by his eulogy like a phantom of the sun. and i suppose the only song i will ever sing is his name, until his memory fades away and vanishes like my last breath on my deathbed

ii.

i wrote these sunburned verses, dripping wet with asteroid tears in each paragraph. my pen resembled a syringe used to inject these words into the water stained page while preparing a cocktail drink of rubbing alcohol and mountain dew before swallowing it all in one gulp. you were utter complete poison. threatening to ****** my sanity with a switchblade called your kiss on my skin. and perhaps one day, my heart will learn to fall in and out of love without feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt.

you really are the embodiment of hades in another lifetime. your hands are filthy and covered with the screams of the dark entities that you held inside that chest cavity of yours.
you hold so much more than i could ever know.

my hands are shaking and they are matching the tempo of your vantablack heart.

iii.

it seems i can’t write a single thing that wasn’t about you. you had murdered my words and made the thought of you bleed through my brain with your aftertaste.

love had become a distant memory where you ethereal face began haunting my dreams and my whispers were no longer whispers, they were blood curdling screams of agony.

your words breathed like they had a life after you stole mine, and since you did, i’ve been holding onto what’s left of my anatomy and die slowly.

iv.

you killed me with your sharp as a blade
cyanide tongue as i overdosed on my yesterday’s delusions while i closed my eyes
and sunk deeper into the abyss called nirvana.

he was always a moment too big for me, everyone knew that. he was magnetic and electric, and my heart and entire being couldn't contain such a man as magnificent as him.

he was always torn with choosing me and his dreams, but i guess he finally had enough and decided to burn the bridge that connected us to each other.

sometimes i still find the ashes of the bridge's remains on my shoes and clothes from when i tried to get to him. i'm just speaking in metaphors, but no matter how many of them i use, they will never show you how miserable i truly am.

remington leith is and will always
be the bittersweet death of me.

you’re such a melancholic enigma.
heart shaped bruises on your neck and lipstick stains on your porcelain skin

there’s no beauty running through those filthy veins, you are not crystalline.

you have terror in your words as they hold me in a tight embrace. i never felt so cold, yet so warm in someone’s grip. i could get frostbite from your hands, and a heatstroke from your lips.

your tongue is sharp as a blade
you had enough time to practice
and now you’re slicing my chest open
so you can rip my heart out.

i was too naive to notice the skeletons buried underneath the clothes in your closet and the blood staining your hands

i found all the bones and remains of your victims and i felt the acid in my stomach knowing i was next

i could hear your filthy words that were cursed with dishonesty but they sounded so sincere

they say that it takes trust, communication, and love to make a relationship

so i guess we weren’t anything to begin with.