expectations:
I stepped out of the car
you returned my smile
the palpable emotion between us pulsing
I make my way to you
wrap my arms around your waist
rest my head on your chest
like I have done so many times before
I look up and smile into brown eyes
I have looked into for so long
we sit in the same spot as our final date
and I say those words I never told you
"I love you" passed my lips
your smile spread across your face
as you return those same three words
I apologize for making situations difficult
and I remember why I always felt safe with you
you call me kid
and I smile because I started that two years ago
I slide your coarse hand between my fingers
I hear that laugh that I miss so much
and I feel warmth radiate across my body
my heart beats fast
and I listen to you talk about anything on your mind
and you slide a small paper origami bird
across the table
just like you used to
some things never change

reality:
I stepped out of the car,
tried not to smile too wide
the years of pain and emotion strung between us as I walk to you
we don't touch
but sit down at a table instead
your hair is shorter than I remember
and you have less ****** hair
and your brown eyes look like they have seen a lot in your 21 years
we sit in the same place as our last date
and I try to say "I love you"
but I can't get the courage to say it, just like last time
I can't tell if you even feel that way anymore
I apologize for making situations so difficult
and remember why I always felt dangerous with you
you don't call me kid
because we aren't close enough for that anymore
I feel my hands tingle as I sit on them to keep from shaking
you don't laugh anymore
because you probably think I would try to break that too.
I feel a chill go over my body and my leg bounces up and down like it used to
and we talk about the weather
because the weather doesn't have anything to do with us
and I slide my chair back from the table
and walk away
some things never change

from the pink stretch marks of my ***,
to the angry red curve across my thigh,
to the raised white line on my stomach,
the scars are painted across my body.

if only mederma worked on other scars.

"give me a second,"
I heard crackle over the phone line.
I listened.
the muffled sobs of a boy that loves me break the silence.
I did it.
I broke his heart.
the overwhelming emotions I felt
led to this episode.
I felt trapped; scared.
I cannot return his feelings.
those words he bared to me
on that cold night,
before I whispered an excuse
and ran indoors,
shocked me in ways
I cannot believe.
I cannot stop crying
but not for me.
I cry for the boy that loves me
in a city far away.
I cry for the way I ruin everything
and call it good reasoning.
I cry for the touch of his lips on mine that
I will never feel again.

self-loathing consumes me
like a giant, venomous snake.
the venom has set in and I have been poisoned by it.
the negative thoughts drag me to the beast and I can't run away fast enough.
I get caught in the optimistic voice in my head as it tries to swallow me.
it slowly stretches its jaws and expands to cover my whole life.
it takes hours to engulf me and overcome my happiness.
I sit like a lump in its stomach waiting to be digested and become fully aware of my situation.
for days I churn in its gut
until there is none of me left.
I have fed the beast.
I have helped it to grow
and become strong.
I am fueling an anaconda of self hate
and there is no escaping.
I am nothing but sustenance running through its veins.

"I love you"
he said.
I turned my face away and pretended to be happy
I kissed that boy and pretended he was another.
he loves the wrong person;
I know that full well.
he doesn't know me,
my favorite music,
the poems I read,
the way I think too hard about everything and push everyone away.
he doesn't know me
and he thinks he loves me.
so that's why I choose to cry in the shower
and cover it up in the morning
and keep it up,
this charade doomed to end.
how do you break someone's heart and sleep at night?
how can you do that?
I will never love him
and for that I feel guilt
being pressed against my lungs
like bricks.
the elephant standing
on my chest won't get off
and I would rather
let it crush me completely.

I remember the cool metal on my back
as you pushed me farther towards it
with your soft lips
your taut body flexed
I ran my fingers through your short hair
and felt you strong arms **** me in
and I looked at the moon from your grasp.
you asked what is wrong?
and I replied nothing
because how do you put into words what I'm feeling?
you simply can't.
I can even make sense of it in my jumbled head
I try to take mental pictures of the moment
while trying not to ruin the moment
or overthink it
it's a strange thing to understand something so completely
and know the right decision
but to ignore the thought in the back of your mind
scraping your skull
trying to get out.
so I said goodbye and I gave one last kiss
followed by another
because last kisses never last long enough.