I wish you never made me smile.
Because
Everytime you do,
I miss you.
And I tell myself,
We can be friends.
And I should try,
Just one more time.

But friends
Don't make you cry
And then
Kiss you goodnight,
Just to leave you hanging.

They don't
Hold your hand
While you
Pour your heart out,
Just to disappear.

And they sure as hell
Don't make promises
**Just to break them.

Love is a role;
Life is a game.

Or is it the other way around?

All I know is that when I'm with you,
I can't get into character and,
I forget all my lines.
And suddenly,
I forfeit.

But I still win awards.
You're a shiny little statue with my name on it.

And you make me *shine.

You loved me l.i.g.h.t.l.y.
I only felt it
In my bones.
You were a sickness,
And I --
Was the infected.
You
Took me over,
And I --
Ached with your weight.
You loved me lightly...
But,
You used me like a **grave.

I'd like to lay in the grass like I used to,
Back when innocence lit my eyes from the inside
And shone through my being like a thousand stars in my skin.

My stars got lost inside my veins somewhere along the way,
When I invited charm to sit with me, and
Traded in grass for soft matresses
And innocence for sin.

My weatherworn skin tore, and everytime
My stars leaked through the cracks leaving scars like comet's tails.
They only shine for a short time,
Until they're just a story that you hope someone will want to hear someday.
But my bones are poking through in too many places,
For anyone to believe I'm anything more than fragile.
And everyone's afraid to get too close.

I'll wrap myself in lace and paint my eyes white.
The dirt under my nails will fall away.
But I can't hide the hollowness in my chest,
Because nobody notices that thump-thump-thump
Until it's gone.

Good break-up movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Bad break-up movie: Garden State
I cried for a good hour after
And
You would never know it now
But I don't cry

I thought I was broken before
When I didn't cry, beacuse I didn't feel
When I bounced back
I moved on
Like nothing of consequence ever happened at all

But then you fixed me
Just to destroy me
You set my heart to beating
Just so I would feel it when you ripped it out
You restored my breath
Just to leave me gasping
You brought me to life
Just to make my life unbearable when you left

I was better off without you
And sometimes I catch myself wishing I'd never met you at all

The storm outside is little comfort.
It rattles my windows and pounds my roof.
The walls creak with exhaustion.
I am not relieved.
I thought such rain and wind
Might make these four walls
More comforting than they are confining.
To no avail.
I am as caged as ever.
And I'm not singing.

I think I'd like to be outside,
Amidst the disaster.
Maybe it would make me feel more whole.
The way so much destruction can make you feel small,
But in a good way.
The way the uncontrollable can make you feel secure.
Because you, at least, are grounded.
But then,
What if I don't want to be grounded?
I think I'd like to soar.

The storm outside is little comfort.
Because the storm inside is still far more distracting.
I'm enveloped by it and swept away.
Until,
I lift my head and see these four walls.
But I am not relieved.
My own disaster spills across the floor and,
Is contained.
I am as caged as ever.
And I am not singing.

I like to pretend
That you still listen
To each word I choose
With careful precision,

Harboring them in your heart,
For a less complicated tomorrow.

You're so broken,
Give it time and even I wont love you.
I'll learn to resent you.
For the way you need me, the way you use me.
I'm not a cure; I'm not even a treatment.
I'm just a crutch.
I'm what somehow justifies your pathetic existence.
And I hate you for it.
For making it seem like I said it was okay.
Because I understood.

Understanding isn't an excuse
To keep living like you have nothing to live for.

I know how it feels to be empty,
To be lost,
To be lonely,
To be broken.
But I never gave up thinking someone would care.
Someone does care.
I care.
And you know it.
It makes me sick how you ignore that.
And I can't stand to hear about how lonely you are,
When that was your choice.
Or how lost you are,
When I could give you meaning.

Don't complain to me, stupid boy,
Your whimpering will fall on deaf ears.

You begged me not to hate you.
You begged me.
I thought it was silly.
I would always love you.
Now I understand.
You have so much potential.
You are so much better than the person you portray.
And you could be happy.
But instead you lock that person away,
Because it's easier to be a coward.
You hide behind a ******* who's just looking to get laid.
Another day is just another drink.

I hope you drown in one of those bottles,
And go to bed alone.

I don't need another perfect lie,
Or another boy that makes me feel "alive,"
So convincing and so delicate
These walls I built on will fall.

Not a bandage; I'm still a wound.
I wont cover up my scars for you.
I don't need a pacifier or a pain killer,
Just a moment to quiet my mind.

I don't want to wrap myself up in a bow,
And force a smile for everyone I know.
Because I lie to everyone about something,
And I just want to tell the truth.

I've got secrets (but who doesn't?), that someday, I'd like to tell.
And to be honest, I no longer care if I'm destined for heaven or hell.
When I find you, every night, I'll fall asleep wrapped in your arms.
And I'll tell you all my stories as you trace all of my scars.

And I think that he should love me.
He should think that I am lovely.
Not just a game to play and conquer,
But a heart that he should win.

And I need a man who sees me,
Not a man who only needs me.
I don't want a false sense of security,
Just a place to rest my head.

I don't want to decorate my disposition
Or open up to one that doesn't listen
Because I lie to everyone about something,
And I just want to tell the truth.

I've got secrets (but who doesn't?), that someday, I'd like to tell.
And to be honest, I no longer care if he's destined for heaven or hell.
When I find him, every night, I'll fall asleep wrapped in his arms.
And I'll tell him all my stories as he traces all my scars.

There's a flood in my front yard.
The sky lets out  a sigh
as the clouds grumble.
Lightning winks to me that everything will be okay.

The windows are sealed up tight but,
My house still might become a boat.
And I'll sail it out to the ocean and
Over the horizon, and if I'm lucky
We'll fall right off the edge of the earth.

If there are waterfalls in space,
I'd like to ride one down.
And then I'll kiss the stars on my way out.

I'll write you a letter from the edge of everything,
So you can know exactly what you're missing and,
wish you'd come along.

My days are filled with,
Poetry and Pandora --
Read and write and sing...
(I'm nothing if not lonely)
Bug me anytime you want.

If I never sleep,
I never have to wake up
To another day,
I'm just not ready to face;
Why can't time just stop at night?

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
But what if I don't want to be safe?

Put me in a room filled with smoke and strangers,
And music so loud
You can't hear the mistakes you're making,
Or the sins you're saying outloud.
Feed me play-time poisons,
So all my inhibitions slip right off.
And everything I feel is unreal,
Until I don't feel anything at all.
And then
With fuzzy eyes and ringing ears,
And sweat dripping down our backs,
We'll fall in lust
And call it love,
Just for tonight.
And I'll let you take a piece of me,
With little coaxing.
If you promise to remember my name...
Or my face?
Or maybe just the way my body felt against yours,
The way your hands moved over my curves,
The way I had you gasping for air,
And The way I left you wanting more.

And you'll feel it tomorrow.
When the pound in your head
And the twist in your gut
Feels more like a hole in your heart
That's shaped like me.

Or at least,
That's what I'll tell myself.
Because for those few hours,
I was on top of the world.
And from up there,
I couldn't feel the pain of being me.

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
Well,
That's a risk I'm willing to take.

My life made sense before
You.
I was happy without you.
I was happy alone.

Nothing makes sense now.
Nothing.at.all.

Now I feel like something
is
missing.

Now --
My bed feels empty,
And my phone seems too quiet,
And I'm always angry,
And everything looks breakable.

But,
Not as breakable as me.

My bones are glass and,
My skin is tissue paper.
I'm crinkled and torn...
And these cuts hurt the worst.

I don't think I would feel quite so
empty,
If I never felt
whole.
I wouldn't feel so
invisable,
If I'd never been
seen.
I wouldn't feel so
fragile,
If I'd never been
saved.

So thanks for that.

Remember when I could stand on my own?
I was so **** good at it.
I was strong.
I was intrepid.
I was ******* untouchable.
I guess we all have our weaknesses...
Mine was a perfect smile,
And eyes that could shoot me all the way to the moon and back.

Life before you made sense.
Life with you made sense.
Life after you isn't even worth mentioning.

I spend all this time,
With my head lost in the clouds,
Thanks to you; and yet,
I'll keep your feet on the ground.
It is beautiful up here.

Love, like the scenes lost inside this tortured night,
Disintergrates on the whims of a fleeting dream.
I'll hide my breaking heart behind deceitful eyes,
As their light slips away through silent screams.

(Why can't I sleep forever?)

Puddles of light are gathering under the street lamps.
If it were raining I wouldn't mind not being able to see the stars.
I'll just stare at the cracks in my driveway instead,
Or lay back on the hood of the car,
And watch the way my cigarette smoke dances in the air.
It's almost beautiful.

I'll remember times I had someone's hand to hold.
Music would be coming from the stereo.
He might even ask me to dance.
But back then, I never would have had smoke in my lungs.

I'll remember the nights it was really too cold to be outside,
So he would move a little closer,
And we would let sin keep us warm.
But back then, I never would have missed the stars.

I'll remember the times I never made it out of the car.
The conversation was too captivating,
His lips were too welcoming.
But back then, I never would have noticed the cracks in anything.

Now,
I'll light another cigarette,
Pretend I could splash around in the puddles of light under the street lamps,
Watch it glisten and fade into the cracks in my driveway.
Then, lay back on the hood of the car,
And watch the way the end of my cigarette burns hotter than any of the other flames I thought about tonight,
Still, it burns out just as quickly.
It's almost beautiful.

Sometimes,
I stare at your picture,
Wishing I had something better to do.
While you're out with
other girls.
But I was supposed to be the one
dating boys,
that you were supposed to hate.
I can't.
Because they would all fall in love.
And I don't need any more trophies that beat.

Waiting for you,
Is like waiting for morning --
By the time it comes,
I'm fast asleep.