You know the rags and riches
I went the other way around
I thought that I could handle it
I wouldn't make a sound.
And I thought that it'd be okay
If you loved me more and more
But I wasn't good enough
And I guess I was a bore.
But today was her birthday
The first time she wasn't here
You couldn't have picked it worse
To tell me, 'Just move on now, dear'.
So when you told me, I sat and thought
I've lost everyone so close
That I ***** up everything
I'm not fine, nobody knows.
I was eating dinner with my mom right next to me
Said 'I'm not feeling right'
"Oh, you'll be fine honey."
sigh Nah, this'll be a long night.
I crawled up in my bunk
To sit, lay down and cry
Repeated bad mantras
About how bad I want to die.
"I'm sorry, sorry, sorry,"
Oh, I said it a million times
I'm sick of all this now,
Just hoping I'll be fine.
Trudge into the shower
To wash sorrows away
Play some music loud
Maybe forget about the day.
"Things are getting weird, things are getting tough
Nothing's making sense but you keep on looking up
They tell you to be true, you're trying every day
You keep it on the real, still you gotta find a way.
To make your mama happy, to make your papa proud
You gotta turn it up but all you hear is turn it down.

Sometimes I wanna cry and throw the towel in
They try to beat me down but I'll take it on the chin
And everywhere I go the people are the same
They just wanna know that everything will be OK.
Things are getting rough, turn it back around
You gotta turn it up when they tell you tone it down."*
With this song on repeat
I work it up to say
To tell you I'll be done
And that this is the final day.
I have a few kind words
After one long horrid time
I mean the kindest way
*******, and in the worst kind.

i know that everyone has regrets that they pass off like nothing
but what i didn't know, however,
was just how much i would regret

leaning into your body to giggle at your dumb jokes
tucking my head into your shoulder as you'd make fun of me
falling into your embrace you'd surprise me with

and just how much i would miss
smile
when your eyes met mine
when your skin grazed mine
as your lips crushed mine

i should have known that i should have
kissed you all night
refused sleep until the sun kissed the sky
curled into the warmth of your body

if i had known
that we were set on a clock
that counted down
and expired us,
smothered the embers
which never fully came alight

because i walk along the burning coals
thinking how i never kissed you goodbye.
the embers that burn dimly
still ache, still yearn,
though yours burned out
before i even knew it.

You look at me different
Like no ones ever looked at me
You caress my face, and I melt
I run my fingers through your hair and get lost
Please don’t come find me
You have the power to make me transcend into another world
In a world where its just you and I
Laughing and smiling in a place where there are no quandaries
Nothing that could ever keep us apart
You tuck my hair behind my ear
And my heart feels whole
My soul recognizes something in you
Something I cannot attempt to describe
When good things come to my life
I think of you
When bad thoughts come to my head
Your voice heals me . . .

Then reality sets in
The tears come rolling down uncontrollably
Pain radiates from my torso
My stomach and heart feel as if they’re being ripped out of my body
Tears faster now, like waves crashing against the shores of my quivering lips
You hear me now, my cheeks flush with embarrassment
Your eyes fill with remorse as you see me upset for the first time
I have to go soon
But the thought of not being with you makes my soul cry
I feel my heart break as words from your soft lips are not what I needed to hear
I changed the rules
I know, this isn’t what we both agreed to
But wont you change the rules with me?

…Please

I see now that you shared with me so much more
than what you hid,

beginning seventeen years
       eighth months ago, every day
has been our day. Even before we met we shared things
so well
if it were raining here,
I would send the storms down south to you.

The weather has so much more strength
than our anger, the earth
let me love you before my heart could catch up
and would take you away if you
ever stopped loving me

everything we share
I cannot lose when you still adore me.

When I presumed I had nothing,
I stopped living on earth. I did not want to share
anything with you
          with half a person
                  half a stranger
               a lover without lips.

Nothing was stolen from me, not exactly
rather I was a heart
that began to beat,
then stopped
midway, realizing an important piece was missing
some artery God forgot to connect.

Those days were hard work
of not running to you and asking you to
give me something
      share anything more with me than just the sun

   and I realized that even if you did not,
the sun would hurt now;
it would miss me and you could feel pain
I can't
because it was you who lost love
                (I just never had it).

I had ideas of it,
you had your favorite flakes of my skin and
thought of the inflection of my voice as a *** *****

how could I lie to you, you would say
with my hand down your pants
and it made sense. I could make
             sure you never have children,
     but I'd rather make sure you do.

The body parts we shared are not mine,
but were inside me so often
            they almost could be.

I had similes for
everything: becoming flaccid, the sun setting
scarlet cheeks like a burn
all larger than what I did not know.

I had the power to hurt you, I just didn't.
We both lied,
but I only would lie on my back
and once in a while, I pretend you did the same so
the sun does not lose us as stars
         a constellation.

          The Little Dipper
poured the same poison in our mouths
    and that has to count as
             something you did not keep from me
  (something that believed in us).

Starting right here, I want to remember your smile
Your glistening teeth, full lips, and freckles
I want to remember the feeling of our fingers touching
The comfort that came with your presence

I want to remember the time we were partners
When we stayed up the entire night to perfect our work
I miss the feeling of being wanted by you
We’re so close geographically but it’s impossible to see each other

It’s my hope that one day, we will excel together
We will remember the days we spent together as children
We will remember growing through the hardest of times with each other by our side
We will continue to grow, and be, and stay