i can't find
an outlet
anywhere;

you probably
think i'm
speaking of
power,

but i'm talking
about escaping
this powerless
feeling.

i remember when everything was just a blur to me,
when everything became clear & i finally saw every
little detail that once was smeared away.

i remember all the happiness that beamed inside me,
but i miss when everything was a mystery.
i miss the way the distance was a secret, everyone else knew it,
but i was left wondering.

i miss the way i didn't see things like others, i miss the contrast.

seeing you again
made me remember

seeing you at such
a vulnerable state
made me want
those three days filled
with holding hands &
nearly drowning in
the creek back.

seeing you again
reminded me that
i left you, that i
shouldn't be missing
you so much.

seeing you again
& you not saying
a word made me
realize that you
don't miss me at all.

i was just another
******* your list
& that destroys
me so much..

i wish it was you who
broke my heart instead
of me shattering my
beating structure.

maybe this would be easier?

i saw things that
weren't mean to
be seen, i heard
things that weren't
meant to be heard,
i felt heartbreak
before i could
even spell love.

romantics would
refer to your
freckled face as
a star filled sky,
but they were
just mud specks
of lies.



*(mer)

i wanted to paint
you a galaxy,
but all i could
put out was
a mere speck
of paint.






*(mer)

my coffee was
bitter, but the
sky was giving
me the jitters



*(mer)

you were temporary,
always going to leave.
but you left a mark
so permanent.
i could scream &
no one would hear it.
you wouldn't have
flinches at my piercing
cry, even if i was in front
of your eyes.


*(mer)

i feel like i'm locked inside a cage
a wild animal striped of its freedom

i feel like i'm glued together, but falling apart
amputated, but longing for ability

i feel like i'm at a dead end on all four sides

i feel like i'm broken
all my pieces scattered across the floor

someone will see the pieces & clean them up one,
someone will find me aimlessly wandering & guide me,
someone will fix me,
someone will free me from this cage one day, right?

will someone ever see that this body is weakened to the bone & slowing decaying & washing away?
the real question is not will, but when?
when will someone help me escape myself, my mind, this body?

how much longer can i take until i give away?



*(mer)

one day, i will have
a body that you will
have never seen nor
touched & it is that day,
that i will be free at last




*(mer)

if there's a "God"
i want him to tell
me why he chooses
to stop the breathing
of everyone i love

why didn't he take
away my breathing
when i longed for it
to stop? he just took
the one's i loved away,
leaving me inhaling
& exhaling



*(mer)

pulling weeds is like
plucking the dreams
of someone with so
much potential &
leaving them to die.


*(mer)

giving you another chance
was like reloading the gun
i had just shot myself with



*(mer)

you never loved me
as much as you said
you did & you will
never love me as much
as i love you.


*(mer)

i sleep with five
dreamcatchers
above my bed

but i still seem
to have night
mares of you
& me, together
again.


*(mer)

awake


i can lay for hours just thinking

about death

& all the things i’ve never done.

if i would die tonight,

i’d be disappointed

because i never took

those chances when i could have,

i never said what i thought when i

should have.

i haven’t done very much, so

maybe i don’t want to die;

not just yet.

i want to live before i go.


*(mer)

feelings

i am sure of
mine, but
are you sure
of yours?

cause somedays,
i know you love
me.
but other days,
i’m questioning
you.

because sometimes,
you talk too much
about a girl you once
had, who once was
your everything, who
once was in my place,
who once gave you
everything.

& i wonder,
am i enough
for you or
does she
put out more
than i ever will?


*(mer)

i loved you with
your bad habit
in between your
lips, but you did
not love me with
mine on my wrists


*(mer)

i had finally reach the top of the mountain
i was enjoying my view
the sun shine & the world peaceful at last
but suddenly
the mountain started to crumple
crumpling, crumpling, crumpling
i was falling with it
i wasn't tumbling quickly, it felt like slow motion
i didn't know when i was going to hit rock bottom & start all over again
i didn't know if i was was ever going to be ok ever again
not after this fall from the top


*(mer)

someone once told me,
you look like you're torn at the seams
& all your bones are crushed.


*(mer)

get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head.


*(mer)

i miss you
i miss you
but i'll never
tell you that.


*(mer)

day 2:
i fell



day 7:
you did not pick me up



day 24:
you fell for someone else



day 46:
i am still where you left me


(mer)

white seams on pale skin:
a reminder that at one time
i wished to be no longer.

i still wish
but i've
grown to
weak to
hold the
blade.




*(mer)

i fell in love with you
your sins
your smile
your scent
your words
your body

i fell in love with everything about you
the thought
the presence
everything

i was in love with you,
but you did not feel the same.
now i'm left with wasted love.




*(mer)

these are just wounds
that came from the inside.
because the demons are
trying to escape,
but they are my friends
& i don't want to be alone.
not again.



*(mer)

the blade was not dull
& the blood's already
started to flow.

ladies & gentlemen,
enjoy the show

because this is
what you created.



*(mer)

did i make it that
easy for you to
just walk out of
my life without
making you
despairing?

you abandoning me
tore me to pieces.

why aren't you
broken as well?

was i not
enough?

but i loved you...




*(mer)

you breathe in when i exhale.

you don't notice, but i do.

oh, how i wish you were mine.




*(mer)

i thought
you were
the
bandage,
but you
were the
wound.



*(mer)

i used all my wishes on you
from blowing dandelions
to eleven:eleven
to shooting stars
to tossing coins
to fallen eyelashes
to breaking wishbones
to blowing candles
to crossing fingers
to the first star i see tonight

but you're still
not here




& that makes me unbearably sad.



*(mer)

i can no longer
sleep in my own
bed because
at one time,
you were there
with me

& now you're
nowhere in sight.





*(mer)

i am meant to be alone.

i am meant to live alone,
sleep alone,
wake up alone,

i am meant to be alone.

& i don't know how i feel about being alone.




*(mer)