Where the hell have I been
Gone or hiding
I wont feel bad
But i wont shine through
I wont do much for you
When im in the hallway im gone
Im invisible, a bad painting, wrong song
I havent loved myself ever before
I wouldnt buy self love if it was sold in a store
I wont message you twice, but three or four times
I wont feel a satisfying flower in my void
You wont bloom or save my world
Even if you couldnt id say no
Im happy here in misery, the same as before
So shut me down cause its all my fault
Stop it before i spell it out
Nothings held together, itll slip out like a card
On the top of the kings, on the top of my scars
If the world was ending id find a hope, light a joint and cut the rope
Would i feel happy like a mocah on a winters day
Like a fireplace in a study space
Like leaving here without a trace

Once there was a man
His heart was three sizes too small
He tried to do anything he can
To succeed and not fall
His home was big
It smelled like rotten food
It was littered with cigs
And a melancholy mood
When he slept on his mattress his back was in pain
He was always rushing, yet somehow always late
The conversations between his friends were more like a game
He always said he'd have a big house, more degrees and a family, that was his fate
One morning, he watched the news without thought
When he got to work him and half of his friends were let go
He had a life planned out, and this was not in the plot
He lost his house, his phone, no one stopped him from being caught out in the snow
Now he was by himself for the first time in forever
No t.v., no facebook, no office sounds
Buy in this silence found his city looked better
He never noticed the birds in the trees, the men and women on the train or how life abounds
One day, a man asked him to take his sweater
He said no one should be left cold
He said I'll take you home but you've seen better
The bank took my house and now it's sold
So he spent the night at the shelter, no one looked at their phones
And it didn't matter because the air was filled with laughter, songs and love
He had never had less, he had never felt less alone
And from this wholesomeness he rised above
With the help of strangers he stopped having to beg
But he never stopped giving, not for a day
He knew so much, he could keep all his little earnings for himself instead
He said I can't keep what I have without giving it away

Sometimes instead of pale faces all I can see are ghosts
Hunched over asking not to feed them
Crawling steadily toward oblivion
Someone asked me if I wanted to die
I said If that means living without having to lie, if it means laying with my brother and sister in the dirt
Because I feel as though I'd be better suited as a tree, or something that won't get hurt
Something that can't hear the pain in a voice that screams, something that's more sturdy, that seems to always know what it means
When my mom left me I didn't do anything but look out a window expecting her to return
I guess I do the same thing for you now, like waiting for a mailman or a storm you'd seen predicted on your television set
That terrible feeling a child gets waiting for his mac and cheese to boil, chomping at the bit
You can't really define a feeling like so, you can only capture for yourself and hope to god he'll let it go
Release you like the sins you've committed, if they're ever released
As if there's anything more than cells in a delicate system that nature spun out
Who could listen to all the voices in pain before they go to bed and eat, asking to be granted with health or to feel less hunger underneath
All your thoughts are actually ghosts, like you dissolving at they run their course, not touching anything thats real, anything with substance that you can feel
And in that blankness don't ask to be heard, don't waste a word

All that was there was an inky black landscape, accompanied by ice which stung my hallowed face
It was hours I spent walking through dangerous streets and cars threatening to slide enough to carry my wretched soul with them
Every bridge I passed my body aching to join the liquid icy hell below me
Because I'd been taught for too long how to be lonely
They told me you were just as cold and menacing as snow
Lying down with perfect white skin
And I wonder who exactly it was who taught you to shut down cities without considering who might be left outside
Sometimes I wonder if anything you say is true, if I'm not another poor soul with drugs for you to go through
You could rip through walls with your lies and mountains and me
Here I am staring at a numb screen wondering if I should try to fight to save you
Or if I should leave while I can still trudge through the damage you string me through
Because I can't watch a girl so young and poor be bruised and abandoned and treated like meat by boys who only provide her with bottles and drugs to heal the exit wounds
You say that you don't need me or anyone else until it's late at night and you realize someone's actually hurt you
Maybe that's when you take it upon yourself to complete a trend, to harshly slice my stomach open with your dull blade, reach through my organs until your find my heart beating lively in it's cage
You pin it to a canvas, in line with your own, beating with others you turned into stone

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Beep.

Hi. It's me again. I know you probably don't want to hear from me, because that's what you keep telling everyone and you won't pick up the ******* phone. I just need someone to talk to, you know. I never realized how I didn't have anyone to talk to until you left. I've been crying for three hours straight and god I can't breath. I still love you. I wish that I could lay my head on your chest and you could rub my back and tell me everything's gonna be okay. I wish I was still your baby girl. I can't explain how much this hurts, how much living hurts everyday when I don't hear your voice, and I just wanna tell you that...

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Beep

Hey it's me, just call me when you get the chance.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I like to take a walk by the river
I let the snowflakes fall on my eyelashes and drip down my face
I like to warm my hands with coffee mugs and pretend like they're being held in a lovers
Sometimes I like to sit on benches and watch the people walk bye
I like to listen in on their lives and sometimes it makes me feel less lonely
Sometimes I bring the last of a loaf of bread and let the birds eat from my hands and it makes me happy because I know I've made another being happy
Sometimes I talk to the strangers I meet on the streets, I hear their stories and I learn something new, sometimes they make me very sad
Sometimes I don't speak, but instead listen to what the world's trying to say
Sometimes I walk in the woods during the summer,  I leave my shoes off and climb the trees
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed at the way the light filters through the leaves and the sparkle of running water
Sometimes I think it's so beautiful I would love to cry
Sometimes I don't paint my face or fix my hair and somehow it makes me feel whole again
Sometimes I decide to bake cakes or cook dinners and I'm content just eating them alone
Sometimes when I'm with my baby I tell myself to record us in my mind
Sometimes years later when I get lonely I go through them and think
Sometimes after I read books everything seems like a story and magical in a way, then somehow it fades
Sometimes I make my bed just so I can feel perfect laying in clean sheets after a shower
Sometimes I like carrying around my backpack just to find thongs to carry in it
Sometimes I shop for records in the bookstore downtown, and there isn't a book nor movie nor music I've heard of
Sometimes it scares me how little of thsee things I know and how tiny I am
Sometimes I look up at the stars and wish I could read them, the ancient stories they told
Sometimes I feel like I'm outside of my body and I wonder if that's what it's likeep to die

I still think back to the loneliest day of my life
A few weeks after we broke up when you screamed at me on the phone and I said I missed your voice so ******* much
And when I called back you said you'd never wanna talk to me
I was sitting in the shut down resturaunt by the lake, the one we tried to break into and smoked joints wrapped with gum paper
And I said I can't do this anymore, but please stay on the phone
Because no one needs to die alone
And I figured if I downed two bottles right there that I'd make it home in time to lay in bed
I made it home but instead of falling asleep I threw up blood and vile for fourty eight hours
And you never picked up the ******* phone
When I finally went back to school I purposefully failed my science final and the teacher called me into the office
He said I know you're not stupid but are you okay?
And on the way out I heard the girl you spent valentine's day instead talk about how beautiful you looked that night
When I was convulsing in my own *****
I ran to the bathroom with tears falling three days late on my shallow face
I crawled up in a ball until someone knocked and said are you okay
There's no use in lying, I responded I was feeling quite well
And you never ******* said you were sorry for doing this to me
You said it was a lot of ******* and you couldn't understand what I said when you hung up on me
But I know, I know, oh god I know you could