when the moon grows full,
and the rhythms of the night
become still,
I drift into a state of awareness.
my subconscious,
its twists and turns
are of no surprise to me anymore.

i think of my father,
his expression
monotonous,
displeased,
lost all hope
in his beloved
creation.
it beats into
my heart
like crushed
glass against the rocks.

I see my mom,
holding hands
with her husband,
soft,
exhausted
not from a day's work
but from the tears
burning down her eyes.
it is a pain
I inflicted,
one I can never take back.

my regret
is not the
action,
but the execution.

even when given the final
opportunity,
the ultimate chance
to spill my heart
along the wooden
kitchen table,
I constantly
sopped up the mess
with silence.

my resentment
is not the response,
but the recurring
reactions.

believe in me,
dear parents,
cast your eyes
in shame and regret,
but not wavering
in hope and respect.

the same little girl,
in tiny black shoes,
in ribbons and drowning
in stuffed animals,
with an appetite
so finicky
and a pursuit
for the betterment
infinitely growing...
is the same girl that
stood before you
that summer day.

my bitterness
is not towards
your opinion,
but rather your
assumed reasoning.

I did not choose love,
one greater than the other
one more willing to
sacrifice.
I did not choose sides,
father
pitted against
lover.
this is not a 16th
century love story
where I renowned
my name
for the attention
of a Montague.

my demise
will cease to end
here.
it is bound to exist in
constellations,
where dreams are stored.

if it were only just a touch
to magically make things okay
wars would cease to exist.
if a simple shake
of human hands in tranquility
erased the evils of the world
there would be no battle cry.

if only the world were so
simple.
a man could converse with his
wife
in a way more civil
without the wasteland
of tears
beside the pillows.

if we were so lucky
to live
in such
a world
would there be conflict?
would it be euphoric,
or simply a nightmare?
Perhaps it is normal
to watch the darkness
cover the land
so that we may look forward
to the sunrise...

sad to say,
the world
is not
such a place.
there will always be
anger.
bittersweet.
a sourly sweet,
less enjoyable
for the palettes
of the sensitive.

I report to say that I am
one of those unlucky ones...
the wrong words are said
in the comfort of my bed
and I begin to feel
that wretched nightmare
become real,
of restriction.
conflicting.
nausea and affliction
of that god awful
taste,
one I'd give my very soul
just
to
erase.

when the world took its eyes
and magnified its focus
on simple,
insignificant you
it snickered and sneered.
the world saw you as nothing
more,
a mere mortal
in a fast-paced world.
lost,
like a wounded bird
with clipped wings.

your skin like
khaki pants,
ones you would wear
for not many
students
in a jam-packed
high school
could stop and
just
stare.

the way I saw you,
I admit was not
as flattering
at first.
there was no original
zing
nor sparks
no emotions waiting
to burst.

you surprised me.
your charm
your smile
your laughter
your touch.
the way your lips
fashioned words
and a kiss,
I once thought before
was unheard of.
this weird,
heart fluttered
feeling
was this...
really love?

did I fall in love,
as if chosen from above,
or did I simply feel what I wanted
to be real?
I hadn't known,
that is, until time had passed
things were said,
challenges that had
potential
to declare our love dead.

I saw in you,
untapped potential.

I saw you were destined for more.

I saw, a relationship pure and raw
that I wanted to pursue no matter what.

I saw the world stop,
for me to notice my mistake
to go about life wondering what
worked for other's sake.
people I wanted to impress,
to reach out and say
"You're doing good, kid"
or "I'm proud of you today."
maybe I am a fool to want such things
but when I'm with you,
I feel I am no longer bound by strings.

I know the risks,
the leap I am going to take.
Just know,
without a shadow of a doubt
I love you... for my own sake.

from the way his disheveled hair
a hypnotic entranced stare
into your milky way eyes
one I'd give anything to keep
you here or me over there.

a thoughtless action
flying through clouds,
heart racing
skin jumping
to cross into your land.
in the mist of night
when the sun no longer stays
in the painted skies
I grab my bags and race,
race to the ends of the earth
just to meet your grasp.

you pull me in,
like a sailboat to shore
in your warm embrace
with a goofy smile
on that handsome face
and hair like silk
in innocence and intimacy.

a night of passion,
a day long overdue
the sun peaks out yet again
and here I am,
bare,
grinning
waking up right
next to you.

mid-morning breakfast
of pancakes and buttered
kisses
hands at my waist
as though my dreams
and wishes
were born at this place
and time
forever yours
as you remain mine.

two idiots in love,
where reason and crime
treason and bad times
no longer matter.
so long as I stare,
into your candied brown
eyes
just to be in your world
erases the darkness of mine.

the sun sets again
the day I must return
bitter tears
lonely fears
my heart begins to ache
and burn.
I see the sorrow
in those once candied
eyes
and I work,
endlessly
for a familiar face,
that joyful
goober
that started
the race
in my heart.

my love,
I swear
there will never be another
for your smile
your heart
you spirit affects
me like none other.
one day,
my heart,
I swear
I'll join yet another race
through friendly skies
and free of tears
to spend my life
with you
as your wife
for the rest of our years.

with my head up
to the constellations
I thank the stars
to have left the mental prison
where you still are.
your rules
you called the shots
they twisted
contorted
like ****** up
pretzel knots
I smile to know
I broke free from your web of lies.

your smile,
your words,
your notions
they used to mean everything...
now what?
I see fun house mirrors,
clowns with painted faces
a circus of *******
takes the place of what once was.

I look at you with no surprise,
no wonder
no amazement
like an open book
like glass on gravity
I smash you through the pavement.
no matter the time
no matter the distance
your actions boil my blood
seeping my dark energy
like an enchantment.

why are you like this?
why is this **** okay?
like I didn't give the world
and back
for you
to say I was doing okay.
"pride is a sin"
you said it once yourself
back when I was little,
now I'm no longer small
I stand proud
stand tall
knowing if the tables ever turned
the lessons you made me learn
good to know
I can only count on you to say
"welp... **** it all."

in shiny black shoes,
with tiny knee highs
things were different,
life was simple
people were scary
my friends,
my interests
were imaginary.

four little walls
sealed with a door
whispers and giggles
stuffed plushies
strewn along the floor.
looking you in the eye
struck me with fear
raising your tone
twisting your face
into disgust
disappointment
or simply blind rage
made me want to melt
deep
into the contents of the floor.

when I grew older
I felt I was stronger,
the will to cry
when I looked into your eyes
was suppressed much longer.
my friends,
once imaginary,
started having faces
going by names
like Susan
or Gary.

the little flower
still waiting to bud
began to bloom
to blossom
to develop new fears
from choosing
the right spot
on the
big
blue
rug,
to rejection
in my high school years.

now
here I rest,
in a dormitory bed
short, velvet hair
spread across the pillows
night after night
snuggled close
to my plushies
picked up from the old
floor.
nightmares,
night terrors
panic attacks
low-self esteem.
a smile on the outside
isn't as it seems.
I may grow older
may shut off my
emotions,
grow colder,
seem stronger,
the strength not to cry
lasts longer,
I still am that little girl,
that moonchild
sitting
waiting
eager to burst through.
ready to expose
my weaknesses
like moonlight
upon the river.