I remember seeing explosions of bright orange and fuchsia Bursting and rushing through my mind's eye.
I remember kissing your eyes, nose, cheeks, and trying twice to kiss your lips but shying away like what I was doing was wrong.
And then slowly, carefully, you kissed my eyes, nose, and cheeks.
I remember the feeling of no longer being able to hold back
as I lifted my hands to your face and kissed you.

I remember the rush.
I remember not wanting to be anywhere else but there in your bedroom.
I remember you waking up for work and getting ready as I laid comfortably in your bed.
I remember when it was time for you to catch your bus and you cradled the left side of my face as you told me, "You're remarkable." and I just smiled with my eyes closed and let it happen. I let every second of you happen and I wanted more. I waited for more.
How could I replace that? How do I even begin to forget?
It's been 7 years and I still remember your eyes.
In every setting, when they were filled with wonder, or even when you were bored.
I could never replicate what I felt with you, as one-sided as it was.
You possess a certain magic that I've never seen in any other being.
Both light and dark, you beam.
I could never forget you.

There are so many things I'll never be able to ask you
like how did you sleep?
Are you hungry?
Do you want another cup of coffee?
How was your day?

All of the answers you won't tell me
to the questions I won't ask you.
I won't run my fingers through your hair again
as you lay your head in my lap, eyes closed.
Both of our hands interlocked as we watch a movie.
Or tell you goodnight as I slip into a deep sleep in your bed.
I'd never been so infatuated with someone
I'd never felt more lucky when we found each other.
I still have hope that you'll make my phone light up again
because you want to come back
and stay this time.
I would hold you like the day is long
I would whisper songs to you in your sleep.
I would kiss you as I once did.
your heart would flutter
and I would charm you like no other.
But the reality is even in my dreams you don't want me.
Last night, I dreamt that you told me you'd let me go a long time ago.
And I finally believe that.
I'm out of your hands and I'm fighting tooth and nail to silence the part of me that doesn't feel okay to be alone
I just can't stop thinking of what it was like when I was in your favor.
it was a long time ago,
and I can't change a thing now,

So tell me,
Can you believe this rain?

I’m not going to tell you that you should have stuck with your first choice and disregarded the voice that told you there was more waiting to be found in other people.

I’m not going to tell you that I was never happier with another person than when I was with you.

I’m not going to shed light on the fact that it isn’t my choice to still feel the things I do for you and that if I could, I would forget your name and that first week in January spent in your bedroom.

I’m not going to confess that I understand the things you haven’t told me yet. I’m not going to tell you that I was always willing to meet you where you couldn’t meet me

in hard to reach places,

high and low.

I’m not going to tell you that I have to force my hands to be still when I’m near you and that I have to consciously slow my pulse to ebb the heart palpitations. I never understood why you had the effect on me that you do and I’m thankful to be able to navigate through the side effects of loving you silently.

I’m not going to tell you that you’re making a mistake in not choosing me every day for the rest of our lives, I know you are, but where would telling you that get me?

I see you in your entirety and when you look at me I can tell it’s through a keyhole.

Oh, if you’d only open the door.

I’m not going to tell you that it’s your loss

and that I am well aware of how happy we could be,

and that your grin reminds me of the morning sun,

and that your pensive thoughts are highly sought after,

and that your birthmarks are like constellations against a summer night sky,

and that I could spend an afternoon counting them happily,

and that my lips miss your neck and my hands miss your hands,

and my atoms adore your atoms more than I’ll ever be able to articulate,

and that I haven’t been able to truly sleep well in someone else’s bed since leaving yours,

and that I still remember the things you said five years ago as though you said them last week,

and that I have to compartmentalize all of this because I refuse to be that person who can’t let go,

I want to, and none of this is my choice, and I’m trying to look away from the past, and the future looks so promising. I wish I could stop hoping to conquer life with you and really accept that if you wanted to be near me, you would.

I know it.

I wonder how long until these feelings fade for good. I  fell for you when I was nineteen and I don’t think I’ve gotten up since.

I don’t want to be the only one who still feels something.

I don’t want to be the only one who remembers.

The next time you place
your worth into anyone's
hands
I want you to remember
that a heart alone costs
1 million dollars, kid.
Don't sell yourself short.

I'm swinging from limb of tree to tree
you're the moss bed beneath me
if loving you is giving you the space you need
I'll do my best to not intervene

In the springtime between the everglades and mountainside
I have talks with the sun about moving on
but between the downtown city streets and 7:54pm sunsets,  
I don't know if I can.

In the summertime I find myself between the trees and the glow of light against your face until very late into the evening
driving down back roads
and talking about the past,
smoking funny plants
and speaking of our dreams.

You're lost and you don't know it,
don't worry, I am too.
There are too many things to say
and not enough time
as my thoughts collapse over the other in three's and two's.
entering the bacchanal with my own elixirs in my pockets,
the chorus of voices collide against one another into a harmonious babble.

it's 6:48pm where I am,
the sun is setting on your side of town.
if these roads could bend until they led me to where you are,
I still don't think I'd follow along.

I lost my heart to a bear trap
while searching for yours in the grove,
freckle-spotted strawberries
and cracked jars of honey
littered the path for miles on end.

I followed your gaze out of the wooden corridor and found cherry blossoms tucked between folds of linen as I greeted the morn.
Your grin is so fixed that
I look to it to find the humor
even if I'm the joke,
and I think of the way your eyes looked
when you were too stunned to speak; hand to mouth,
until I fall asleep and meet you in my lucid dreams.

come back, come back,
come back from the dead,
before the acid went straight
to your head.

come here, come close,
come hold me again,
the way you used to when
you were my friend.

you're near, you're far,
you're somewhere between,
you're hidden in shadows
and leaving unseen.

i feel the pull when
i'm thinking alone
it sticks to my teeth
and clings to each bone.