i tried writing an apology but
the words wouldn't come
it's not that i'm not Sorry
no
i've been scratching at my skin, tearing at the fabric of my body
hoping to find a better human underneath
one who can treat you right

i know i ****** up.

but any words of reconciliation i tried to conjure up refused to collaborate and all i was left with
was a blank white page
whiter than my knuckles when i cry
(you see, i have to squeeze tight to make sure i don't fall apart)

what i'd like to tell you is,
i love you
it won't happen again
i'll always be good to you
and never so selfish
it's all going to be okay.

but i can't
even as i'm writing these words this blanket is getting heavier and i am shrinking and i
do
not
have
control

so i cannot make a promise i cannot keep and i cannot tell a man what i cannot foresee
so darling

instead of "i'm Sorry"
you'll just have to accept "please"

begging for forgiveness at your feet
is much more in my comfort zone anyway
this much i can do for you
this is how i show i care

Side Effects Include Hallucinations,
in the way your words make me believe
that we will get that apartment on the 22nd floor with the designer kitchen and the giant windows and two dogs sleeping at the foot of the bed
when we're All-Grown-Up
but i try to hold your hand and it isn't always there
sometimes i reach and all that squeezes through my fingers is a wisp of green dark smoke
and you are suddenly 500 miles away

Nausea, Sickness, Vomiting, and Pain,
like when i wake up with tears already carving scars into my face
and the walk to the front door seems like the farthest walk i've ever taken
and invisible shackles as ancient as the roots growing underneath my head bind me to my nest
(kind of like when you tie me up)
the thorns crawl up the rusty metal and twist into my stomach
wrap themselves around my molten core
spreading shoots through bursting veins
knees buckle, hit the bathroom floor

And May Include Death
you are the perfect drug
an addictive pro-zac that makes me convulse from withdrawals
if i ever dare to skip a day
i have to have more
an self-refilling pill box and all it costs is every last inch of my heart and soul and energy

that's all you ask