Cigarettes and sweet alcohol
That's what you taste like
It's cold here but you're warm
Your mouth
Your hands
All over my skin
This moment
This roughness
This sweet sensation
This illusion
I hope we meet again

Stop.
Stop apologising for him not loving you.
Stop apologising for having
small hands and a loud mouth
and a big heart.
Stop searching for reasons why you're not good enough:
you are more than enough.
Stop expecting apologetic phonecalls
or his car parked outside the front of your house.
He isn't coming back.
You don't want him back.
Girls,
you're so quick to see being a woman
as being weak, used, desperate.
You confuse fragility with weakness;
yes, you are delicate
but you are strong
strong and beautiful
and I promise it will come to you;
I promise that love will come to you.
There will be someone
who is more in love with the fact you woke up next to him
than the fact you fell asleep next to him.
He will love you in ways that fill your lungs
and he will love you because you are you.
There will be someone
that adores your small hands,
someone who considers your loud mouth to be music,
someone that wants to love your big heart.
There will be someone
that considers your body to be valuable art
rather than a mere object.
There will be someone
that doesn't tell people you're *'just friends'.
There will be someone
who is proud to have you.
There will be someone who will love you
the way you want to be loved.
There will be someone who will love you
and cause you to finally love yourself.

When you came,
I fell.
Not like before,
not like I had a choice.
Spread across my face:
that foolish smile
you seem to know so well,
and a hint of something else.
That foolish smile
would never save me.
You knew how this might happen.
You spread your arms
and waited for me to choose.
And there was something else.
I fell into it;
in that moment
it came to me:
there was never any
saving me
at all.

Promise me you'll never leave.

I remember when I said that. I made him promise from the bottom of his heart that he was mine forever. And he made that promise.

So much for keeping it.

All I can see now is his face and the slamming of the door that he walked out of.
He left me, heartbroken and deserted, with no one to look after me, no one to care for me.

He knew I was young. He knew that I would be more affected by a break-up than his normal girlfriends.

But he was experimenting.
He didn't care what happened to me to begin with.
He never wanted to be with me
He just wanted to be with someone younger.
A lot younger.

I lost everything when he left.
My pride
My sense of security
My trust
Now what am I left with? A box full of pictures, several of his old t-shirts, and a lifetime of demolished memories.

They  always said first heartbreaks are the worst, but I never expected this.

I'm learning, day by day, how to put one foot I front of the other again. It's not easy, but I'm making progress.

I just hope that he doesn't try to walk his way right back into my life.

Cuz I'm scared I  might be stupid enough to fall right back for him again.

He led me to the water
said just put in your toes
feel the wave wash over you
and let your demons go.

It drags my insecurities
swiftly out to sea
takes them to the bottom
and drowns them all beneath.

Dig my toes in deeper,
sand swallows my feet whole ;
he knows what this place does for me
it patches up my soul.

Everything I say, I don't just say for me.
Or because I think it matters more than what others say.
Or so that I can get in your pants.
Or to make myself feel better.

Everything I say, I don't just say because I'm sad.
Or because I think you're sad.
Or to make a philosophical point.
Or so I can make you love me.

Everything I say, I say because if I don't, I'll die.