It was hard to write about being depressed
I’ve only told 3 people since it happened
And from that depression
Came the lingering anxiety
And it’s something I can’t get rid of
Like a stomach virus that leaves you weak and unstable for days to come
Except the anxiety I feel
comes and goes
and it rises with stress and uncertainty
I feel like I’m carrying my depression around like a gold medal
Except the medal weighs 100 pounds and drags on the floor and makes a loud screechy sound for the world to know
It feels like the whole world is staring at me sometimes
And I can’t be myself
I have to hide my emotions
To be accepted in a society who’s people think depression is a phase
Those people have never been depressed
And are ignorant to the fact that depression is just a nicer word for wanting to **** yourself

Your pain
Lingers from many years ago
And you have become so good at brushing that pain away
Filling up that box to the brim
And sliding it under your bed
Like the monsters you imagined at a young age
I wish I could take that box
And instead throw into the ocean
And watch it sink to the bottom
Letting out everything that was inside
And burdening the waters instead
But rather than having that easy way out
The box will one day be so overfilled
It will explode with all of your emotions
And the world won’t know how to react
The world will hide from you
Unless you find a way to use those emotions and pain
And put them into something else

Three, tall cubicle walls and a window in which I can only see through if I stand on my tippy toes because those cubicle walls are tall enough to cover 3/4th of the window
Three cubicle walls and a small portion of a window and it feels like a jail cell
Luckily, after 5:45pm I have the freedom to be home and relax
But now, my “relax” time at home is starting to feel like prison too
When I am home I am anticipating going to work the next morning and counting down the hours until I have to go to bed and sit in that jail cell for 9 hours of my daytime only to go home and anticipate the next day again
It’s all one large jail cell
Except the jail cell has moved from my office cubicle to my car to my living room to my room and repeat
Oh how I wish I could be away on some remote island with my loved ones enjoying a day on the beach and doing something I love for a living
Oh how I wish the cycle of society hadn’t gotten to me
But come to think of it
This cycle of routine and desk life all started the first day of kindergarten
We’ve been trained to live this life
It’s a shame I got ****** into it

I left
You fought for me for as long as your heart could bare it
I let you go
But all I wanted was space
Now I realize that it was the biggest mistake I’ve made
I miss you
And I don’t know how to rewind time
to have the feelings I have now
The passion
The desire
To love you
The way I should have loved you from the beginning

You tell me you’re lonely
And I can relate
You tell me you’re lonely
And I look around the room
And realize so are they
You tell me you still love her
And I realize I still love him
I look up at the stars and wonder where our paths are meant to cross
I look at you
And I feel that pull
But I continue to push away
We go in circles
To see if we can find our way
Ending up right where we started

I try very hard to get you off my mind
Today
I was looking at old videos
And I found you
Again
And again
And I felt happy
I felt so so happy for myself to have had those feelings for someone else
The feelings I only dream about having now
The feelings I only see other people having
And it makes me furious
Not at anyone else but me
What was I doing?
Why did I have such a big ******* wall up with you
Why didn’t i just let myself be happy
Why didn’t I fight for us
Like you fought for me
Why did I take it for granted
I think about this all the time
How could it have been so good
How could you have been so good to me
And yet
I wasn’t able to put one foot forward for what we had
Why did I crash and burn as soon as things got a little difficult
Why was I so weak with you
When I know I am one of the strongest people
I think about this
And I can never find a solid answer
Because there isn’t one
Because love trumps any of the other insecurities I had when I was with you
And I couldn’t see that
And now it’s too late
And I miss you.

I reinvented myself
After I had already settled on a career
It was the riskiest thing I had ever done
But I made the decision so quick
It was as if something had lit a fire under me
And I jumped to the opportunity
To do something that filled me with challenges
And triumphs
Rather than settle
For less than my potential

I am a healer.
I was raised to be one
I was a parent to two.
Because I was the eldest
Because the real one wasn't there to be one.
And I still get blamed
For everything useless and everything not having to do with the actual problem.
So I mend
My relationships because I am the healer.
It might not start out that way but it ends up that way 
It's my destiny
I can fight it, and I will
But who's to say it won't follow me?
Who's to say that it's just meant to be this way?
I am a healer.
I mend.
I put the pieces back together.
I fall a little deeper
Into an abyss 
Into the unknown
Into my fears.

I imagine it will escalate slowly
But with an initial fire
That ignites as time passes
I imagine the feeling will be ignored
Because you still have those brick and stone walls
Covered in cement
And ready for combat
I imagine those walls will become dust particles
The moment you realize
He’s the one you’ve been waiting for
And he realizes it too
I imagine love too deep to surpass any barrier
That was there prior
I imagine
And I believe
Because I imagine that love is stronger than anything tangible