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fdg Oct 2015
Sometimes you're like my soft rain
when I'm trying to bud after winter and nothing is coming and it's hard to break through soil
You are occasionally that first fall of soft rain
Making it easier to grow
fdg Mar 2013
My days are long and short
at the same time,
and I have fallen off of the
'care' cliff,
because I do not care that
I was caught cheating on my test,
because I do not care that
this mess is what I call my room,
because I do not care that
my skin is breaking out and you must lie when you say that I'm beautiful.

Because I do not care that
I am dangling from strings called
"I should." and "You better." and "...or else."
fdg Jun 2014
i'd like to be dangerously balancing between
that look in your eyes
and
the way you lick your lips
right on the verge of
"maybe I'll do this"
as my hand slides down to your hip
idk, i also wouldn't mind just holding your hand
i really just want to hold your hand

k
fdg Apr 2013
Sometimes I try to believe in God
mainly because you want me to
because you don't want to have to believe that I am going to Hell.

But babe,
I hope you like seeing me burn
and I hope you tell all the angels
that you were once in love with that ******* fire.
"Jesse Lacey will be the only god I ever believe in."
fdg Jun 2014
"MAYBE" IS THE ONLY CONSTANT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY
AND I ******* HATE THE WORD MAYBE
WHY CAN'T I SAY YES
OR NO
OR *******
"DEFINITELY"
hahaha *******, this isn't a poem, i don't write poems
fdg Nov 2012
Don't let go tonight.
I'm not.
This won't slip from me,
the thing I answer with when asked,
"What do you love most in the world?"
This is it, when the lights are shining and I am not me
I am not anyone
I am just something to make you smile.
I can't really narrow that question down,
but I blurted my answer
and the room didn't know if it was right.
It's dance.
But sometimes, I dance for you.

Today I was thinking
if you see things you hate in my eyes-
I couldn't help but think of your goodbye.
In a parallel universe, maybe that's all you ever do is say goodbye to me.
fdg Oct 2014
sometimes my eyes droop and my vision gets blurry,
my lungs lag and my flesh gets tingly,
sometimes i feel my heart beat in my throat
and every time i touch my skin it feels like it's peeling off
sometimes life feels like a dream
and i can't tell what is reality
meh
fdg Mar 2014
meh
someday when we grow taller
these mountains we climb will seem smaller
and every branch we cling to for safety won't break

how do we ever find solid ground when all of our hands and feet are so shaky
fdg Sep 2015
It could be timing or young adult naiveity and the universe may one day tear us apart but for now the universe lets me kiss you under your covers
And the universe doesn't make any ******* accidents
fdg Oct 2017
empty shell of a body
(so full though, so ******* full)
accidentally getting random boys mixed up in all of this
"this" being lust & disgust
lust for attention and affection
disgust for my being conscious of it all.
i have heavy thighs that are making it hard to walk on
i like hearing about moths, i wish i never talked of myself
fdg Nov 2014
it's pretty simple, i guess
no crows picking at the thoughts under my skull
no claw marks on my back from everyone who ever tried to stab me there
no knots of hair in the corners of my eye lids built up from years of trying to hide behind a frizzy blonde
life can be simple because it's all only metaphors
most things i think could be so much simpler

so instead of
me being a small cactus missing many ****** and him being the sun that allows me to grow tall anyway
he's just a guy that i love who makes me think a little clearer and feel a little stronger
and instead of
sitting at the bottom of a lake with the whole world still raining on me, seaweed wrapped around my hips so tight it stung
i was just a girl sitting in the tub under shower jets, letting the water wash away the blood

**** metaphors
trying to write different things, instead of the same love poems over and over again, though i can't stop thinking about his hands tonight (am i a creep))((i'm a creep)
fdg Sep 2014
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND IN LOVE:

-love is good and kind and permanent. love is your mother clothes-lining you when she hits the brakes too hard, it is your dog greeting you at the door when you come home
-in love is temporary and powerful and like ******* lightning. in love is a teenage boy with blue eyes that life will force you away from, but **** his bed sure was comfy, and so were his arms and his words.

people **** and die over both
sigh
edit: i think when you're with someone forever, you both love them and are in love with them.
but back to separately, whether you love or are in love, you will always remember them. (i hope hope hope)
fdg Aug 2013
Tonight we saw shadows in the darkest corners of our eyesight
but we got to sit in the middle of the intersection
and the night wind has left me with goosebumps still on my skin
and the cold but refreshing air trapped through my hair
and I can't believe the world has ever felt small
when there are so many stars to look at.
fdg Sep 2015
Truth is,
I'll say I want to lose weight so I'll eat less tomorrow
But I spent all day today feeling especially more bloated than usual after eating half of lunch, and the rest of the day I felt full.
So now I'm laying in bed at 1:43am and my stomach hurts and it's grumbling? Maybe digesting? Maybe I'm hungry and I can never decide if going to bed hungry is a success or a failure in my mind currently
But I know what it should be
fdg Apr 2014
but never ever think that I can't take care of myself
because I don't need any ******* help
from anyone
ever.
And trust me,
you may have known me then
but every part of me has changed
fdg Nov 2013
but the way my face feels when you look at it
is very
very different
than the way it feels when I look at it.
fdg Jun 2014
"*******," I told the reflection,
"all you ever write are ****** love poems about stupid boys or stupid ways you'd love to hurt yourself."
I dont want to be in pain as often as I used to, and this boy I csnt stop thinking about is far from stupid
fdg May 2014
my name comes in pills,
colorful pops of acid you can slip over your tongue and wash down with saliva
and often times I wish someone would crave my affection
the way they crave the rush they get by popping mollys.
and often times I wish I was half as exciting
fdg Mar 2013
My job is to crunch my spine together
so I can wring the problems out of my flesh
and leave them soaking on the floor.

I hope to make this my job forever.
two ice packs today, major ibuprofen and vitamin intake necessary, many band-aids and medical tape and swollen knees with bruised bones and dislocated toes and blisters that never heal
but it is all worth it
completely worth it
because when life gives me a problem, I solve it on the dance floor.
fdg Apr 2014
I RUIN EVERYTHING
like i ruin a moment
like i ruin a dance
like i ruin myself
I hate myself
so I ruin myself
I hate myself
so I get rid of myself
I hate myself
so I forget myself
(i thought I had me within reach)
(but maybe that was just the ******* devil's hand)
fdg Jul 2013
I want my black lips to wrap around your fingers
and to never feel sad again because I'd hate to have to admit that I have feelings.
Please give me the moon to **** on
so when you kiss me you'll go dizzy from spinning in circles
because we flip and flop
and thrash through bedroom doors
and you've flipped me upside down
and all I want is for you to tangle flowers through my hair
and I can continue to write bad love poems.
fdg Sep 2014
wish i could tell you that i understand your rubik's cube mind
but the colors keep bouncing around
and i'll never match them up

but i fully believe that some puzzles are prettier unsolved
i can't line up my colors, either
fdg Oct 2015
My critical writing professor said that artists write or paint or do whatever art
on what they're obsessed with and made us talk about this poet who wrote about caves
and yeah, we agreed, caves are cool, but in the end it's still just rock.
I can't stop writing about you
and this isn't supposed to be romantic
or prove that I'm obsessed
I just think it's nice to hear poems about rock
and it's nice to love anything at all
fdg Jan 2013
I think
when the sun comes out
when our faces get laminated along with whether or not we'd like our living heart in a useless, smashed up, messed around body given away to someone who can make it beat life,
I think we will get in a car
and disappear for a week.
We should go to a beach, put the seats down in the back and sleep there,
and I'll pack us a bunch of food,
and I won't need to wear anything but my bikini
and sunglasses,
and I'll let your soaked up skin mingle with mine under the dead stars.
It will be the most perfect thing.
I will be nervous and scared but your arms will reassure me that this is okay
because in moments like these,
nothing can go wrong.

I will be so alive
and I won't ever want to wash the salt out of my hair.
fdg Dec 2017
I want to be the deep end of the pool when I lay down
You could dip your toes under my rib cage
I want you to be able to grab me by my collar bone
Pull me into your chest,
Let me disappear completely in there.
I am tired of my presence
I am tired
fdg Apr 2014
I'm never really sure about anything at all
and this might not be a poem
and I might have never even learned what poetry is
but I think I write my life across a stage every time I dance
and I have wiped more tears across my face with every grand jete
just trying to pick up all of my pieces
that I shattered myself
because when I was still just a girl
I thought it was fun to take a hammer to my skin and bones
(and sometimes it still is)
SORRY BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT
fdg Aug 2015
Life is remarkably pointless
But I like rooms where you can stand on the bed and touch the ceiling
I like big mirrors and smoke,
When you're working your physical limits enough that you can feel the strain on your heart and lungs,
I like company
And I like being alone
Life is pointless and long and the world seems incredibly large and I am very far away but we are so astonishingly small.
And I guess it is okay
That there is no point to it at all

(I wonder if you ever check this site and get disappointed when I haven't written anything about you)
(I wonder if instead you are relieved)
fdg Sep 2017
explore me softly
with pruned fingers, after a bath
trace my veins, blue eyelids
purple tinted lips
bite my chest, skin
press the bruises on my knees
explore me intensely
explore me at all
we are still strangers, and i am wondering if i will ever become familiar to myself
but i will trace your bones with my tongue
and enjoy the gentle aggressive soft hard touch of familiarity that i've never known
fdg Nov 2013
I pretended to be the elements
like maybe being water, earth, air, or fire
would help me break the habit
of
being
*******
disappointing
fdg Jul 2017
I think I'm too empty to properly deal with this heartbreak
i'll take it for now because I'm sure a lack of feeling helps
(it's 4:17am, i feel nothing)
just heaviness behind my eyes, weight on my shoulders
I should lose a few pounds,
feel lighter
feel anything
fdg Aug 2014
maybe one day i'll pick up smoking
but i don't like the idea of getting hooked on something to the point of dependency
which is pretty ******* funny because
i got hooked on you pretty quickly
and i bet trying to quit
will do more damage to me than a ******* cigarette ever could
**** this poem.
fdg Dec 2013
**** it
bad decisions might become my middle name
and there's not a thing in my mind
stopping me from an inevitable
disappointing life
because
the **** I taste with every breath
and the **** I hold from the bottom of my heart
might as well
*******
**** me
fdg Aug 2013
I am wrapped entirely with passion,
the best kind, the healthy kind, the kind adults wave off as naive because they miss the feeling.

"I will never like any girl more than you," he said,
dancing with me in the kitchen.
"We'll see," I told him, and smiled as I twirled under his arm.
fdg Aug 2017
I'm not sure I believe in love anymore
but I've been getting the best oral of my life from a guy who sings me songs at night.
I feel selfish for meeting a kind soul at such an interesting time
(I'm not sure I believe in kind souls either)
I can too quickly drop love
And forget what it was to feel anything at all
(Did i feel anything at all?)
I felt too much
Every time.
And feeling too much will come again, and then I'll realize I feel nothing in the end.
fdg Aug 2014
Be real and let me tell you that you're who I wake up wanting to see
-
You're who I want to joke with and explore with and listen to music with and have tons of *** with
You're who I think of when I am singing in the shower
It's often nice to think of you
fdg Jul 2014
i am in a mood where i want to feel alive
because it's hard to feel a point
when i am staring at the bottom of a top bunk by myself in a basement
(i know nothing about me anymore)
(this boy i can't stop thinking about is trying to figure me out
and i'm afraid it's too easy
because i am nothing)
hm. i just want to drive all night and be at a beach by morning with you in the passenger seat singing along to the songs we play and then we'll watch the sun rise and step in the water and then i'll touch your arm and kiss you on the lips and make the back seat of my car another memory
fdg Oct 2017
never be empty enough
am i human for my faults or becoming less of one
Not human at all//sleep party people
fdg Jul 2013
reeking with self-worthlessness
because how am I supposed to top that
or top anything
because all I know how to do
and do well
is **** people off
and moments like this
long past you kissing me goodbye
me standing in my doorway left with none of you
but a t-shirt and the hickeys you left on my *******
and I am trapped inside my own color
or lack of
and all they can do is smirk at my black eyes
but they're black because I used to punch out my pupils
with hole punchers I stole from my second grade classroom
because I hate staring at myself in the mirror
and outside the moment of you licking up my thighs,
that's all I can look at
my purple, frozen lips
I sell my ice cold words for 25 cents on the main road
and you've forgotten about the cuts on my wrists
but I haven't because it's all the mirror shows me.
fdg Jun 2015
i don't write as much anymore.
i'm trying not to romanticize every move you make
because sometimes life just isn't romantic
and looking at the moon would still be as cool without you behind me
(but it felt cooler with you there)
(and even the way you said goodbye this morning felt romantic)
fdg May 2015
still shaking from the caffeine
no motivation for much of anything
except a drive to your house.
today i want to practice my own well-being
but also be at peace with whatever you need
fdg Jan 2014
but the world doesn't like to see broken veins, I guess, or broken hearts so clearly portrayed,
but this is simply what you've done to me.
You've laid me out on a table,
you've stripped me down, you've said, "Now what makes a growing girl tick,"
and I rolled my eyes back into my head - I'm trying to make sense, I'm trying to make sense-
the world is so small when I run into you again in another life, after I've moved on,
but your eyes and fingers almost pull me back to right now,
drowning.
123013
fdg Apr 2015
drink out of the bottle,
draw on my stomach with sharpie
maybe my lips will turn purple
i'll take pictures
fdg Jun 2014
lick your lips and kiss my neck
run your hand down my bare back
look me in the eyes please please please
and then just hold me as I try to sleep
i've been trying to maybe not write every day or at least not more than once a day, but i guess i just type up whatever forever
fdg May 2014
i was going to get up and brush my teeth
and wash my face
and shut off the lights
so i could go to bed
but i am stuck in my spot
and i don't want to move
and i don't want to stop listening to this song
and i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to stop thinking tonight...
this isn't a poem NOTHING IS EVER A POEM
How Do I Tell A Girl I Want To Kiss Her? - Modern Baseball (on repeat forever)
fdg Sep 2015
today i dreamed that you were ******* me
and then i fell back asleep and dreamed i was ******* myself
and this girl down the hall was saying "it was just middle school"
as everyone looked at her scars and I was thinking
wow I'm glad I thought it through and only cut myself on my legs and hips because who would want the attention of ******* wrists
and it really was just in the past,
then this girl named maria tried to relate saying oh her boyfriend accidentally cut himself when he was drunk trying to cut pizza
so the blonde one said, "that's not really the same thing"
and I continued sitting on the floor, thinking
who the **** are these people
thinking her scars seemed awfully small, does she ever feel embarrassed that they're not bigger,
thinking wow why did I think that, that's not appropriate at all
but if they were on her wrist anyway-
and self-harm isn't cutting pizza
or comparable with scar size
self-harm is just the embarrassing middle-school *******
we're stuck living with
and when you can't see the scars,
it's still in the back of your head when the girl with the big glasses says, "wow that's so sad"
and the girl says,
"no it's okay, it was all in the past."
fdg Jul 2020
Sink into the middle of the mattress
Slight buzz of the air conditioning still on
I miss everything so much
Every experience I've had, every person I've known
Maybe I'm too soft for this world, for the human condition
One day I might afford therapy instead of ******* hellopoetry
But thank you all for watching me grow up.
..if you're still alive over there, on the other side of this one sided 4am recurring chaotic conversation I've been having for years
Hope you're all still ok. Isnt building internet communities just the weirdest beautiful thing
fdg Sep 2017
I'm eating like a normal human being
To fuel myself
Treating myself well
I deserve it, I know
But it's making me panic
fdg Oct 2014
would anyone like to volunteer to stuff me with leaves until fall colors pour out of my eyes?
stuff me until you suffocate all of my insides,
put me in a room filled with tree bark and suicide,
pop pills in my mouth and watch me turn into a maple,
i'll open up my legs if you promise not to bloom
because i am already rooted around you.
lights dance around your collar bone
you are looking through me
i see nothing
i see everything
i see a sad goodbye
i ask you to water me so my roots can grow stronger
but you fill me with whiskey, get me more than tipsy
i know it's cliche, but i'm love drunk on you, baby
stumbling and stuttering and hoping that even after this tree dies
after every vein in every leaf has been bled out...
you'll still remember me fondly
fdg Mar 2015
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A GIRL WHO COULD ONLY WRITE LOVE POEMS
i only write of loving you or hating me, it seems
fdg May 2013
I guess blood stains,
and if you peel off your fingers it's hard to write with them anymore.
If you cut out your thighs it's hard to walk on them anymore.
If you slice up your hips it's hard to rotate them anymore.
The lightning keeps hitting,
blowing craters into my chest,
and some nights I hollow my heart out and let its remains soak into my sheets.
Those are the nights that I cry and think of you,
I think of you to fall asleep
because you are the only thing that has not broken my heart yet.


Oops.
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