I am surrounded by love
(which sometimes I mistakenly forget)
and I am full of it
and have plenty to give to others and myself.
Everything else is an over-exaggeration.
Because even if there was seemingly no love around me
I've still got me

so I should always remember
that it is impossible
not to feel loved

because it is always there

Don't worry about me
When I write,
I usually just need sleep

I wish I was drinking.
Sometimes I wish I was drunk all the time
But I hardly drink at all and besides,
I'd never have the company and drinking alone is just sad at my age.
When I'm drunk I usually drunk text you and right now I'm exhausted from loving you so much and not having as many reasons to love myself.
I think I want to cry but I'm not sure why. And when I think I'm making friends the next day they take my seat and push me out of the row and I sat by myself today in a room with more than 100 people in it and no one even eats with me and thank god i like eating alone. I think I'm pitied and I don't know why
I think I must be the problem,
Because I feel like there's something wrong with me
But I don't know what it is.

I give too much of myself away and
I don't think I'll ever learn how to stop.

Anyway, I'm going to walk in the dark by myself to go buy something I can ******* smoke
If you have a drink, I need one

It could be timing or young adult naiveity and the universe may one day tear us apart but for now the universe lets me kiss you under your covers
And the universe doesn't make any ******* accidents

Stuck in a state of sighing,
but ironically stuck in the same state as always
I hope to see the trees change color outside my room
and I'm not afraid of being away like I'm supposed to.
I don't know where to go here,
I don't know of any trails
But I'll find them

Sometimes headaches keep me up
And my body has this buzz
it tingles every time I touch the sheets.
When I'm holding my head between my elbows and battling nightmares,
I still take comfort in the fact that you're there, safely, soundly asleep.

the moon pulls me just like it pulls the waves
(sometimes I am pulled back with the tide)
I am drawn to the skies every starry night
and my mind is drawn to your eyes every time I close mine
because love makes it easy to drown in your blue stare
(how cliche)
my fingers get lost when they run through your hair
and all I ever write anymore is how I love to be tangled in your bed sheets
because that is all my free-roaming mind ever wants to jump to.
You are my favorite place to be
and this wasn't going to be about you, but
the moon pulls me just like it pulls the waves
and I daydream of being pulled into your arms
I won't choke on salt water anymore,
I'll choke on the words I'm learning to understand the meaning of
"I love you"

if we could churn things out in seconds,
i'd make you a tape of my top 3 songs I'd want to ******* to.
.It'd start with something fast-paced,
a song that would be standing up
a quickie but a "we can't help it, we have to right now" quickie,
not sloppy, just fast-paced.
loud and intense and back against the wall, hair grabbing, *** grabbing,
guitars blaring in the background, the beat matching my heart racing as you bend me over
.but the next song would be slower. It'd be the nights we didn't plan on it,
the ones where we already said goodnight and we tried to go to sleep
but I accidentally rolled closer into you and couldn't resist one kiss on the cheek
which made me want to kiss you more and then we're accidentally ******* and ending up having to say goodnight again.
Probably an acoustic, lyrics something about love.
.The next song would be classic. Something you're not allowed to really hate because it's by an artist you're kind of forced to respect? And you like it, really. It'd probably be one of my favorites by an artist I know you love. It'd play in the background and we wouldn't really notice it exactly until later down the road when we're on our own somewhere hearing it and wondering why the song reminds us of each other. It would be a song that just ended up playing one time while on shuffle in the parked car, us pretending nothing else was really present except that back seat.

I already have a lot of shuffled car songs that remind me of us in moments,
parked in the rain
from when kissing never got farther than kissing.

as I am growing as a lover, I am appreciating music in a new sense,
associating it with feeling from my own auto-biography of emotion,
associating those feelings with images from collect moments
and I am so glad some songs will always bring me back to right now
in this collection of moments and images and feelings
in these picture-perfect memories I have of rain on the windshield right before you kissed me while you played the Smiths
or while last summers shuffle of pop punk played while we fogged up the windows in a baseball field
and I am glad that once my mind can no longer form or remember the picture-perfect moments,
and I won't be able to put together the scenery,
I will at least be reminded of the feeling through a song.

Life is remarkably pointless
But I like rooms where you can stand on the bed and touch the ceiling
I like big mirrors and smoke,
When you're working your physical limits enough that you can feel the strain on your heart and lungs,
I like company
And I like being alone
Life is pointless and long and the world seems incredibly large and I am very far away but we are so astonishingly small.
And I guess it is okay
That there is no point to it at all

(I wonder if you ever check this site and get disappointed when I haven't written anything about you)
(I wonder if instead you are relieved)

I just have scenarios in my head where I get to turn to you and be so open and honest
and we're laying in your bed and I feel so present and there and real
and we're both physically tired but mentally racing
and I ask you if you really believe in love...in all of this
and I ask you to explain what you feel with me
and you don't think it's dumb, and I can't imagine what you say.
maybe one day soon the scenario will play out
but daydreams are just daydreams
maybe I'll ask you anyway

i found the perfect song
i cleaned my room,
about to go clean myself up
my neck hurts
i imagine the sky looks great tonight,
sometimes i wish i still had to sneak out to see you this late
(but if you still love me in a few months, i could sneak into your dorm)

I wish you wrote about me
it's selfish, it always is
-i think i'll always be the one splaying it out
mapping down all of my emotions
matching them with my fingerprints on your bare back
pretending you feel them,
that they sink through my skin, soak into yours
so i can let go a little bit
but i've got a tight ******* grip.
-I wish you wrote about me sometimes
I wish you'd splay it all out,
spread your fingers on my belly
leave your prints
so i could soak something in.
it's selfish, it always is.

i don't write as much anymore.
i'm trying not to romanticize every move you make
because sometimes life just isn't romantic
and looking at the moon would still be as cool without you behind me
(but it felt cooler with you there)
(and even the way you said goodbye this morning felt romantic)

i'm sleeping on spilled coca-cola
throbbing headache
thinking of your boxer/briefs
and thinking of the lake
sometimes life is so ******* cool it makes me want to stay for a bit

my whole life has been inside parentheses
a side note
can't say i mind
i'm comfortable living in the sidelines
less traffic here
still plenty of excitement when it's not in the spotlight
they're the memories we store in boxes in the back of our closets
they're the photos we pin to our wall but don't look at that often
they're the thoughts written down in unkempt journals we'll put in a drawer or pile under our bed when the pages are full
and i can be your parentheses
i can be the memory you store away one day,
occasionally fondly looking back and ruffling through
and touching the corners of photographs
(but not admiring for too long)
(I can be your parentheses)

every mattress is an opportunity
every location
every patch of grass or mud puddle
i could kiss you anywhere
-it's june 16th i guess and my teen angst has a mind of its own
in the sense that i'm ridiculous
but also trying to use it as validation that i might just need to take care of myself
or maybe tell a doctor that i feel like lighting my arm on fire sometimes.
I'm convinced it's normal (because it is)

i wish i'd get punched in the face
because
1. I deserve it
and 2. it'd be nice to feel so bruised but have it physically show.
the gross yellows and deep purples would be visible and undeniable
and there is a lot more wrong in me than the wrong i pinned on you today.
your love is valid
and this is so much fun
and i am a really really big *******
and a fool for even thinking i deserve your love or attention,
i feel like such an idiot
and i can't stop thinking

i know i deserve to be loved
i know that i am loved
((why do i ask for reassurance))
(am i really that selfish)

You know you're the greatest, though
Every day is a pleasure

i am planned out,
and our time is strategically placed in increments,
you'll point out the ******* hours.
carefully calculated so you can tell me we hung out enough
(you counted)

this love still makes my heart race at 90mph
you are still my favorite thing to touch

just let me know when you're ready to hit the brakes
because i don't have my seat-belt on.

i think of your floor and the baseball field under the stars, i want to kiss you there again, i want to climb another fence i want to climb onto the bus
i want to hold your ******* hand, i don't care when,
this is going to be fun.

still shaking from the caffeine
no motivation for much of anything
except a drive to your house.
today i want to practice my own well-being
but also be at peace with whatever you need

The coolest part about the open door to my house-
Our unlocked, hardly ever closed front door-
Is that someone random always walks in right in the middle of me throwing a fit
Right in the middle of any breakdown I'm having
Someone always walks in on time to think "what a *****"
This isn't a ******* poem
And who even ******* cares
(This is me talking to the internet because no one in real life wants to talk to me)

Sometimes while looking in the mirror, I think to myself
I'm okay being me
I look alright
I am alright
And this is all I need
(It's not all that I want)
(but this is all that I need)

hey i know we're playing by ear,
but if you ever start a band can i be your main roadie,
can i help make your lame t-shirts
can i call people for gigs
even though you'll be nervous to play?
i had a dream things got started
i had a dream i was backstage

i'll stop expecting much
i won't ask too many questions
i'll just trace your lips with my fingertips
and work for the attention
>>let's just have fun<<

i wish i never happened,
i wish i was never born

i daydream of last summer
or this weekend
sitting in your arms
or resting my head on your legs when i can't make myself sit straight
(you stopped the truck to park before you took me home)
tell me straight up

i know you're not talking about me
i know you're not talking about me

start a conversation//
i care a lot and that shouldn't make you nervous//
i talk so much, god, just let me listen
//
and then slip your hand under my shirt and whisper some small talk
unbutton my pants while you talk about the weather
i'll tell you that i think rain smells nice when you lick up my stomach
and i'll run my hands down to your hips as i ask you what you ate for breakfast
"I had peanut butter toast," I'll say,
finding your zipper
\
despite how much i love our conversations now,
you can always talk a little more about yourself

i've been wanting to write
but i can only picture slime
or stabbing through the wall
or shadows on my ceiling

i like the way you smile after you make me laugh
(maybe it's all in my head, but i've been trying harder lately
to let myself believe you love me)

you've led me to believe that i can count on you
to mean what you say-
every "i love you" I've learned not to doubt.
so i'm sorry that last night and today
the little things you said but didn't mean
made me worry about the big things you say but tell me to believe

wait until your eyes hurt
you keep running your tongue over your teeth
you think 'everything is fine, or at least it will be'
and even though you still daydream
no one wants to hear about it, molly.
daydream to yourself-
go talk with someone else
(she closed the door between us and smiled at her dog,
I was mid-sentence, but I stopped)

thinking about plants a lot
can't wait to watch things grow and bud
spring is real and here and my hero year after year
i want you to **** my brains out in the sunshine
-----------------
i'll get wet
and we'll dive into summer
i'll stick my toes in the water
see where the current takes me

drink out of the bottle,
draw on my stomach with sharpie
maybe my lips will turn purple
i'll take pictures

it doesn't matter
i just want to matter to you

I know forever doesn't exist and I'm not mad about it,
without change life would get so boring
and maybe I'd be content, but it doesn't matter
Doesn't matter if I believe you
Doesn't matter if you're telling the truth

I think I want to write something
(I accidentally waited up)
(I wait a lot for a girl with very little free time)
(Should I go to sleep or get up to shower )
(Since when was it 1:30am)
Since last year I've been thinking about you every night before bed
What do you think about?
(Sometimes I'll also think of the sky or of floating or of flowers stuck in my throat, but I like to think of your lips and your shoulder blades)
(I like to think of the leaves stuck in my hair and of all the times we laid down in the grass)
I knew I'd fall in love with you

Pinching at my extra skin
(Scratch it for me, I'll moan)
What are your intentions now?
How do I figure them out?
Do I want to know

Cracking every finger
Every bone
Pinching every free inch of skin
I never sit still
I would be hungry if I wasn't so ******* thirsty for your touch

i think you'll get over it fast
i think you're already getting over it
and i think you'll never look at our photos again to reflect once you're done with me
you know, you give me reasons to be insecure,
it's not just my mind betraying me
you feed it.

sigh
but it's okay

it's okay
lately i try to stretch out my eyes, thinking maybe if they roll back into my head enough times i'll stop daydreaming nightmares
and it hasn't been so bad lately.
today i only dreamed of climbing trees and bee stings
and your eyes after they stopped looking at me

sometimes i drag myself across linoleum floors
let my fingernails scratch the surface
(or try to)
and i want you to leave scratch marks the next time you kiss me..
at least with you my eyes flutter instead of droop

usually unsure how you feel about me
that's okay

you've given me good memories in backseats
(we're getting good at 'being bad')
we could get into actual trouble
and i'd still do it all over again tomorrow

wondering where my veins are
parallel with consonants
wish i knew how to communicate without
darting eyes
and twitchy fingers
every vowel sound you make gets stuck on my eardrum
we echo
and i hear it every time the clock i can't find but keep hearing in my room ticks
i didn't think i had a clock
it's so loud when i'm trying to sleep

lately i've been too tired to take care of things-
i haven't been watering my cacti
and this is the perfect metaphor-
we need to water us
so we can grow again.
i know we've been down lately,
but the sun's coming out
and i know you want time for other things,
but let's chill and calm down.
there's so much time to balance out,
we'll get it right,
and i'll still have plenty of time to kiss you this summer,
maybe even on some sand.
and even a week from now will be better than today, right?
we're making it through the winter
this begins another fun part
between this moment and the questionable end,
i want to see us smile again

whenever i say, "boys ****"
i can't keep a straight face
because I know a boy and I don't think he ***** at all
but sometimes that's sucky-
wish I hated him-
(it'd be easier on my heart, in the end)

anyway, i've never cared about the easier thing

rethinking of all the water in my lungs
(when i drowned or when i wasn't sober enough to know the difference)
i tried to inhale
coughing out half-words, choking on sentences.
if i concentrated, breathing didn't seem so hard,
but then i'd concentrate too much on the pins poking into my eyes
and squinting didn't help this time
were my glasses even on-
i pretended to listen to my brother but instead i was listening to you and you weren't even there
and that's ****** because one day you really
won't even
be there
so when my hands are grabbing at my collar bone
no one will tell me not to worry, it's just a panic attack,
all anyone else ever says is,
"sorry. don't think about it"

my problems are so minuscule and i'm so fortunate
but hey, i'm still complaining
everyone's sad and angry and ******* up for no reason
and finally,
no one gives a **** if you smoke cigarettes,
just don't pretend you're impressing anyone by doing it.
i've been saving cool cig holders on my online wishlists since i was 14
it's never been a new idea.
i'm sorry but i've been sad lately,
-one day maybe i'll get a therapist-
but for tonight i just whispered to myself,
"you have to stop."
because i've always wanted to want nothing
and i need to thicken my skin and stop caring.
it doesn't matter what happens
no one will remember you for as long as you want them to, anyway

i know
time passes
i keep sighing
still haven't learned how to sleep when i'm crying
and i am constantly over things
over-thinking
over-dramatic
over-stressed
but one day i'll be over all of it

no , i get it
i could pick up smoking
it's stupid, but it sure is romanticized
and with the nights i've been having lately,
what's a little more tar in my lungs going to hurt?