I found the perfect life partner and to my surprise, I've only written a few sappy cringe love poems about him because I get to live the love poem out loud every day of my life
It's almost been 4 years of loving this man,
and from day one, I've never been more sure about anything:
this is the purest, best love that is so good I thought it was only fake
until I found it.
there is no perfect set of words
just a crawling smile on my face every time I think of his name.
to love so nicely, and to be loved so incredibly in return is life's greatest wonder
how did I find this love that comes with no complications?
"how?" every day, but it's a question you shake off because you don't need to ponder it for too long, before you know it you're just 3 hours into a new conversation, legs touching while sitting on the couch, a glance over while you work next to each other separately, head thrown back in laughter as you share a bath in the tub, running errands together happily getting ketchup for your fridge, holding hands as you wait in line at the doctor, playing with his hair as he rests and he smiles in his sleep, just constantly in wonder, in awe, in love

You tell me what you think
I'll stare back, maybe nod my head
I am older and still not wiser,
I crave less and less but want more
Most things seem unattainable - is this where it starts?
Is this growing up and losing hope? Has reality finally set in and I've realized that in order for a dream to come true, you have to first fully realize what that dream actually is, and it has to be so specific that you can taste it before it's even accomplished?
At 25, I'm unsure I ever really knew how to dream, then
All of my desires are so vague, maybe I've convinced myself they're more likely to happen that way

is there something to be said about this?
letting it out, but only quietly
only in secret
speaking into the void so no one hears me thinking
i think it'd be embarrassing, having everyone see you mutter words, you chose those words, you structured them that way, and you want the world to listen to them, lacking composure?
i think it'd be embarrassing.
But instead i prefer vague public interpretation, you tell me what you think i'm thinking, does this arm movement tell you what i am craving, does this ****** shaking show you that i am not content, does me on stage twirling around for a paying audience make this crystal clear?
I'd never tell you what i was thinking, but here's a little summary, take it how you want and judge me for it.

I'm 24 but haven't thought much about it yet.
Still poor and unsure.
Sometimes bored and unmotivated.
Sometimes inspired, consuming media and art and thinking, wow, how do humans really create this? I feel like I could create something good someday...but will I ever have the money, will I ever dedicate the time needed to fulfill the potential that I feel I have?
If not, hopefully i have fun regardless...is that more important? Is that more successful?
Anyway.
I'm 24 and disconnected.

staying up late to feel my teeth crumble under the sugar in this wine
watching scary things on the television wondering why in the dark, I think the shadows might be out to get me.
I dont know what I think they are or why they scare me. Do they even scare me?
Left unfinished, playing in the background, the scary tv shows become my night light so i dont have to think about the shadows in the dark

Red tinted teeth
Stained nicotine
I am so comfortable alone, but only after I've checked each closet for monsters

Sink into the middle of the mattress
Slight buzz of the air conditioning still on
I miss everything so much
Every experience I've had, every person I've known
Maybe I'm too soft for this world, for the human condition
One day I might afford therapy instead of ******* hellopoetry
But thank you all for watching me grow up.
..if you're still alive over there, on the other side of this one sided 4am recurring chaotic conversation I've been having for years

comfort in his limbs, or simply in his presence.
i just crave slowly inching my fingers up his arm
wiping his shoulder with my thumb
resting my heavy head on the pillow and my forehead against his bicep
why can't i take care of myself when i am alone
why am i treating my life as if it is on pause

i gave away my last pack of cigarettes but i should have saved them for emergency nights when the vape just isn't cutting it and feeling 23 sinks in with baggy eyes.
my stomach is so full, i have a headache and this incessant whining makes me want to scratch at my skin until it peels off.
earlier this evening (back when it was evening and not 4am) there was a spider crawling in my bed
and i yelled for my brother, who luckily liked me enough in the moment to come in and pick up the daddy long leg and take it outside.
I wonder, at 23, how i would live by myself.
i wonder if i'll feel closer to my parents once i move out
i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied with my existence - but isn't that a bad thing? doesn't that mean giving up? is success a failure in this way..
when does the achievement of a dream leave you dreamless

isnt it strange how many lives we enter
then leave, just to pretend it never happened.
i miss so many people in different ways,
and i miss who i was with them
how different and how much growing i didnt know was coming.
isnt it cool to see the timeline
it scares me, too
i thought letting go would be a release
i thought people lived, learned, then moved on in a way that allowed them to not miss their old lives
because the new ones are better, older, more mature
but what if growing up is just collecting dusty memories
i guess it is all about remembering the good things
i just dont know who i am - only what i've been

i'm sorry i'm not prettier
mechanically rubbing my eyes to say goodbye to the day
(today's thoughts, please leave me alone tomorrow)

i'm 22 and it's been about a week since my last cig
(now i have a juul, the most responsible way to manage my buzz i guess)
i am too busy to write, read, call my mom sometimes, i can't go home to visit because i've run out of time
i'm not sure when i'll make it to the grocery store, or
when i'll sleep because i'm busy trying to fit in time to rest.
i hope it's worth it
but i think i convince myself that most things are

i thought by now i'd be skinnier
thought i'd approach the new circle of sun a little less stressed
i thought i might have stopped smoking cigarettes

sometimes i am 17, 18, 19, 20 again
begging a boy to love me back
i'm so cynical now in every moment that i happen to forget my age
21
almost 22
i don't beg anymore. i don't wait on anyone.
i love very hard and get loved hard back, it's something out of a daydream
i guess i just thought i'd never have to be 17, 18, 19, 20 again in my head
i thought maybe i wouldn't be empty or sad any night i am 21 and getting loved in return

I can be an idiot,
Quick with emotion letting it trickle out of my mouth before i can think of how it might make you feel
Tonight I don't feel much and I don't know how to tell you it's not your fault
I think a lot and my chest has been hurting and sometimes I can't help but think you might be better off

I guess yes,
Maybe I'm depressed or something.
That small level of having to do a lot and not wanting to, unable to move or hydrate or bathe,
But I'm convinced I am usually lied to and idk what I want except mostly everything and also nothing at all.
Scared because I've made a best friend with the man I love, who I hardly get to see at all and when he is busy living while I am alone 4 hours away and depressed I feel a bother
the sun is finally out but today I am going to lay in my room in the dark
Enjoying the weather for cigarette breaks but that's about it.
Get someone better bc I am lately a ******

it feels like a classic cliche
walking hand in hand through arteries
when you are gone, so is half of me
everyone should find someone who let's them say anything
With you, I am a bleeding heart ready to place myself in the palm of your hand for a tiny squeeze of life before tucking back into my rib cage
And it is not too much or dependence
And this is the love I've always wanted

i miss you
steady guitar riff in a loop
tucked behind my ear
you trace your fingers there
i fall asleep with a smile

i'm getting a headache from exhaustion (?)
come kiss me
come kiss me
come kiss me
i miss you already
i think i miss you the most
your touch the most familiar
your smile the one i longed to smile with since all my teeth grew in

full stomach, aching chest
i try again to push my fingers through the screen of my phone
(i just want to brush my fingertips against yours while we call)
i am full of desire
for conflict = love vs. lust, joy vs. death
meaning
i'm not quite sure what i want some nights,
but i always want to be next to you

love poems make me nauseous sometimes, looking back at all the past ones i wrote thinking the feeling might last
but naively, perhaps, i'll say that you feel very different  
i'm not afraid either way...
(okay. afraid of losing you, too)

4am, why am i so angry?
the usual mistake of thinking i want to die when in reality i just want to curl up and stick my head into his rib cage,
blink with his beating heart,
rest for a while and come back ready
to take on each day,
a little extra protection

i wonder if it will take 100 times to get tired of me
200, 400 times of
love-making or
rough *** or
"give me your dirtiest version"
"i want you so badly i wish i could teleport hundreds of miles to you tonight."
i don't know why i think sitting passenger in my car smoking newports will eventually get boring to you but baby stay a while and i'll do it just how you like
let this last and i'll touch my tongue to your sweet spot

an interesting flavor, an interesting smell
sometimes i still catch the drifting scent of my first kiss
i can't help but wonder
"how many people in this life am i going to miss and
miss and
miss"
I don't remember any other version of myself and that's terrifying, but I'm also scared that I don't really know what version I am currently presenting
How do you know if you're not real
(**** me to help me not think about it)
(But pls still love me after, so I can hear your reply)

new safe spot in between his collar bone and ear
wish i could hear his exhale right now
feel it on the top of my head as i rest.
do i trust him?
do i always?
will i ever?
can you believe a man really means what he says when the things he is softly mentioning in your ear are meant for the perfect woman, are too good to be directed at me?
i want to trust him, so i will.
&i'll softly mention that he deserves the world
(but i won't bring up that im scared i can't give it to him)

My full stomach is a message on an answering machine:
"Honey I'm just checking in to make sure you made it home safe, don't forget to call me back.."

I tell myself to eat to make it to tomorrow
(I say, it's okay, it's really not that much),
in reality I just lack self control
And I don't have a home phone line baby,
My voicemail box is full
Let's lose 10 pounds this month and
Still
Manage
To
Smile

There's no point in trying to understand the mechanics of thought right now
I'm choosing to sit this one out.
I'll wait at the end of the bed,
Come when you call
Stick my hand out in the dark,
Trace your shoulder and whisper,
"I'm not sure we'll make it out of this okay"
(and maybe we'll both shrug..because we don't care)

counting down every inhale until you make me gasp again
waiting with every sigh
deep relief will come with patience
self-reliant but acknowledging that relief feels easiest in between your limbs
puzzle pieces tied together as puppets
dancing under bed sheets
or on rocks, or picnic tables, or carpet

I want to be the deep end of the pool when I lay down
You could dip your toes under my rib cage
I want you to be able to grab me by my collar bone
Pull me into your chest,
Let me disappear completely in there.
I am tired of my presence
I am tired

The moon is almost full
I am still on my first cigarette and I've got all night to use my brain
Right now let me just inhale and think with my heart

skin loose and hanging off each limb
i'll pull it to one side,
(try to give you the better angle)
i think its amazing that i can forget all of that,
naked under bed sheets
this boy grabbing my thighs and i only think for a split second, "i wish they were smaller," and then the thought disappears and i don't feel like i take up too much space as he kisses my stomach.
i want to give myself the credit of confidence but i think it's just comfort
and at least that is something
even if it's seemingly only there in the soft presence of a smile

Mom, i think i'm starting to like this boy
I'm afraid and ugh, ****, mom what the hell??
I didn't realize that life would be this cycle of careful steps people take, walking on shards of ******* glass
because if you're not too careful
you are going to get hurt.
I used to be so bold without question
I was fearless about feeling
today, I have never been so scared
me, to my mom, whispering:
(but i'll be bold anyway, okay? i still prefer all the fuss of butterflies with someone)

Hands a little shaky
I'll drink water and rest.
I'm not sure I deserve it
But I'm obsessed with shaky hands outlining a jaw bone.
And my hands steady as I stare off in space daydreaming alone in my car, smoking
wondering if you're going to have a moment thinking of sitting next to me somewhere by water today.
I'll float out there next time
Body light in the middle of a lake
Hands still, resting on my stomach
Swim back to shore and hands explore in the dark for my ******* mixed in with a pile of both of our clothes

I wish I knew what I wanted to say
But all I've got right now is:
it's ok you might be leaving soon
i'll take any amount at all.
i'm afraid a little bit,
and i'm not sure that will go away,
but you can have me regardless
to fiddle around in my ribcage
(just leave a little for me when you go)
(and i know you favor questions, baby,
but tuck away a few answers for me please)

I just want it to be loud
The gasping, my deepest inhale when we start
Song on in the background
(I can't make out what it is anymore because I don't care, my hand is on the front of your hip, slowly gliding to the side to pull you in)
((all I hear is the friction))
And then I just want it to be silent
with eye contact and your hand on my cheek
ear to pillow
Hear nothing, but I see us exhale

i don't even remember you, but when i was 17, i thought i'd remember you forever
thought i might know you forever
...
remember being that young
and having that naive buzz of finding out a boy thought you were cool too?
i don't believe in forever anymore
but it doesn't matter,
no one has that long

binge eating at 12am and wanting to die is my new ******* routine
(but I don't want to die
I just want to disappear for a little while
Lay down outside and chain smoke
empty out,
come back to start new)

I want to melt into your skin and stay there for a night
Bite your collar bone and sink my teeth a little further from our next goodbye.
Say hello to me again soon so I can wrap my palms around your shoulder blades
Move my fingertips to your jaw line and touch my tongue to your throat
Taste the way your words come out

Around 1300 calories today (1305, I don't need to guess)
Burnt a hole in my best leggings with accidental ash
(I'd let you put your cig out on my arm)
(If you came to visit)

Failed flesh and bone
Way more than id like to be
I'm getting less than 4 hours of sleep tonight and I want 3 more cigarettes but I don't have the energy to hold them up to my lips
I think I am empty again
Glazed off from all of it
Craving

how is it that you can be in love and think you have met the single greatest human,
and then you're not in love anymore and you suddenly meet so many new people
(they smell the single on you, i swear)
and a lot of the time they're boring
but then there are multiple kind souls and maybe you can make new friends and maybe not everyone ***** and maybe life is a continuous spectrum of meeting people your dumb young self promotes to the "greatest."
we are all young dumb ****** up vessels just
...trying...
hoping connections last and hoping the greatest one falls into place,
at least for a little while until you grow out of each other again
and start over

empty shell of a body
(so full though, so ******* full)
accidentally getting random boys mixed up in all of this
"this" being lust & disgust
lust for attention and affection
disgust for my being conscious of it all.
i have heavy thighs that are making it hard to walk on
i like hearing about moths, i wish i never talked of myself

never be empty enough
am i human for my faults or becoming less of one

do you think being at a cliffs edge would benefit or harm my mental health
I think 6 cigarettes this evening is the proper amount to feel like I'm dying
And also forget that I want to
(more than 1200 calories today)
looking over the edge doesnt make me want to jump, it never did
afraid of the fall
but chasing the excitement
****** that I usually find the biggest thrills in pointless acts of love

Skinny dipping until 1am,
Welcoming fall with one of the clearest night skies I've laid eyes on.
I said, I hope you didn't catch my cold
You said you didn't care if you did.
I said, thanks for being the type of person who makes me feel like I can take up space
You said you like the amount of room I take, mentally and physically
I said, (I want to see you again) with a sigh
You said, when will you be home next?

I don't know

Today I had a physical exam and they weighed me
So I ate my weight later in the day
And spent 20 minutes kneeling over the brim trying to get rid of myself
And congratulations,
I said to myself in the mirror
You're officially in this.
You've created this horror for yourself
Good luck.
(I want to tell this boy about it but he has no place in the corners of my room. I will leave him on the bed
Some things are best left unsaid)

I'm eating like a normal human being
To fuel myself
Treating myself well
I deserve it, I know
But it's making me panic

Every time I feel nothing I wish I felt anything at all
Tonight I feel longing and loneliness
And i take it back
Anything but the beginning of another broken love poem
I wanted to hate everyone else and take time to try to be content with myself
But every time I see an insect I think of ******* on a park bench
Leaves stuck to my back
I wish I felt nothing
I was getting used to (content with myself alone wanting bones)
I still want my bones to show harder
Paper skin
But I like the friction another flesh outline provides.
I hate that I ever want anything

explore me softly
with pruned fingers, after a bath
trace my veins, blue eyelids
purple tinted lips
bite my chest, skin
press the bruises on my knees
explore me intensely
explore me at all
we are still strangers, and i am wondering if i will ever become familiar to myself
but i will trace your bones with my tongue
and enjoy the gentle aggressive soft hard touch of familiarity that i've never known

Gray sky light my way
Only way I know
Directionless in a tunnel-vision world of straight and narrow,
I'll never pretend to know who I am
but sometimes I wish I had better clues

My first love was so pure
We are all so toxic and broken now
Nothing will ever be so innocent and selfless again
15 and best friends, figuring out how to kiss