it's okay i've been daydreaming of sparklers for years
i'd stick one in between every molar and then i'd bite to burn
but ******* wouldn't it be pretty?
i wanted to light the veins on our wrists by the sparks
and we'd run around the yard pretending we held more light than the moon
(i'm tired of comparing everything to the ******* night sky, too)
and the grass would look gray
and our teeth would be white
and our smiles would be genuine
your smile would be genuine
and i'd look you in the eyes and i'd believe you
BUT EVERY TIME I TRY
I CAN NEVER FIND ANY SPARKLERS
SO I'M STUCK WITH ALL THESE FIRECRACKERS
BUT THEY DON'T ******* SHINE THE WAY I IMAGINE
AND I NEVER LIGHT THEM ANYWAY

hard to think about my future
when i can't tell if i care about it

i have a weakness for the feeling this love makes
for good pens and cool hikes and blank pages and new music
i have a weakness for the dim blue light in your bedroom from the tv we pretend to watch
and i have a weakness for the way you sometimes softly speak your thoughts
i have a weakness for tree trunks i can't wrap my arms all the way around and for car rides with the windows down
my knees go ******* weak every time you touch me and i bite my ******* lip every time we make eye contact and all my peripheral vision sees is the ceiling, i have a weakness for blue eyes and blonde hair
for striped bed sheets now, for bass guitars and the little habits you keep
i  have  a  weakness  for  the  feeling  this  love  makes,
i get so weak i'd crumble up my rib cage just to prove you have access to my heart
but the miraculous thing is
this feeling of weakness that comes with love
is incomparable to the way that you make me strong

this weekend already feels so long because i won't see you friday or saturday
(i don't know why time changes when you're not around)
but I just wanted to let you know that i wrote some things for you in my journal that i think you should read sunday, if i see you then.
they're good things, of course, a little random and sloppy,
a little self-critiquing (sometimes i think i am too serious)
and it's 4:28am and I might be a little delirious
but i am really excited to be 18 and in love with you.
I'm going to let myself believe you, even when I am insecure
and I'm going to be less afraid to tell you how handsome you look all the time.
So if I see you Sunday...i'll probably be a little hesitant to open up the journal you gave me, but don't let me be embarrassed. I'm not sure how much you really care about reading what's in there (i don't blame you if you don't), but I trust you
4:34am
this weekend already feels sooo long because i won't see you

sometimes i worry
but when you put your arm around my shoulders
it's easier to shrug off any nerves
so i forget about my worries

i think i'm going to go buy a lighter and something to smoke
and i'm going to put eyeliner on
grab my headphones and take a walk in the woods

i think i could make it a habit,
black clove cigars
and puffing in and out poison to pass the time
(at least make me a little bonier)
and one day i'll strap a flask to my thigh
and practice taking sips without scrunching up my nose at the taste.
For some reason, self-destructive tendencies are appealing
which makes me a ******* *******
and an idiot
but as long as i'm entertained