too afraid to say the words i've planned out in my head
and rolled over my tongue
but too afraid to open my ******* mouth

so this is what it feels like to waste an entire day
I have been lost under covers and suffocating under thoughts
and all I can think of is you
there are moths in my mouth and there is waste in my brain
and tomorrow I hope will be better than today
but right now all I can think of is you

I ******* hate it when people say "scars are beautiful"
because what is ******* beautiful about
2am and rummaging through rooms to find something sharp
desperation clawing in the back of your throat
because you can't breathe this time until you bleed again
What the **** is beautiful about the emptiness you feel
when pressing a razor to your skin
(and there is nothing behind your ribs, you stone-cold *****)
What is beautiful about the moment you finally 'wake up'
and realize what you've done and who will have to see this
("No, I'm fine, No, it's not your fault it's not your fault it's not your-")
What is beautiful about the next morning
or the next week
the next month
when the mark is still there
to ******* remind you
(you can't run from the past)

everyone gets sad
is sad
will be sad
(I wish you never felt sad)
(I wish you could hand me your sadness and I would walk beside you carrying it on my shoulders and all you'd have to do is smile and hold my hand)

I wasn't going to write about you
but then I thought of your lips and smile
I thought of your infectious laugh
and your scent that I can't get out of my clothes
(I'm glad it won't go)
I thought of the back of your neck and the base of your hairline
and your electric blue eyes-
I wasn't going to write about you
but I tend to write about scary things

i am ******* rotten
and lethal
and black flows in and out of my heart
and everything i do or say is painfully awkward

please don't walk away

i was going to get up and brush my teeth
and wash my face
and shut off the lights
so i could go to bed
but i am stuck in my spot
and i don't want to move
and i don't want to stop listening to this song
and i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to stop thinking tonight...