stop pretending
you can't fake a black veil that weighs down shoulders
and grips the heart
I'm sorry I don't know who I am anymore
but that shouldn't change who you are

I RUIN EVERYTHING
like i ruin a moment
like i ruin a dance
like i ruin myself
I hate myself
so I ruin myself
I hate myself
so I get rid of myself
I hate myself
so I forget myself
(i thought I had me within reach)
(but maybe that was just the ******* devil's hand)

hooks through my flesh, holding me up
so my feet can't touch the ground
and my stomach is ripped wide open,
guts spilling out.
Before you can look me in the eyes to say a pointless apology
my intestines turn to worms
and they crawl into my mouth
-I swallow them whole-
and it is in that moment you realize
how repulsive I have been all along

wish I'd paint my entire face pink so you'd never see me blush
(or always see me blush)
wish I could tell you what I really want

Every time I think of climbing trees
I think of always looking toward the sky
and I never even imagine
the possibility of falling

I smelled you the other day, in a brand of deodorant, (I guess the brand you wore)
I wonder if that's what happens when the wind blows across wrinkly skin at age 73
sitting on a front porch and wondering
"is this where I'm supposed to be?"

but I will not be asking that question
I will not be 73
I will not be wondering if I made the right decisions
because that's exactly what I'm doing right now-
I am being around the right people
I am doing things for me

I don't know what the *******'re telling me
but I hope it's more than you're letting on
I hope your uhms and whats will one day tell me what the ******* mean-
"more as friends"
or
"more than friends"
BECAUSE YOU'VE SAID BOTH
and you're keeping me up at night