I pretend I am in a room full of boys again
sitting quietly in a corner
bottles being thrown above my head
and smashed against the walls
and I've never looked so lonely
but really, I've never been more alive

then someone grabs my hand and pulls me up and my night truly begins once we make eye contact

don't worry about me, it's not your job to
don't worry about the way I sleep
or the way I keep
my sanity.
I know a few people who care more about me than I care about myself

I am one of those girls that picks scab into scar
because I like to leave marks
wherever I go

my layers are unraveling
I am peeling apart my flesh and bones
exposing the good, the bad, the unknowns

piece
by agonizing
piece

ThrowbackThursday
to music I used to listen to,
songs I used to sing,
the sound of my own pulse as I split open veins

In the meantime,
we can pretend that all of our bones won't slowly decay away
and that no matter what lips you kiss
one day you will kiss nothing but soil

You know what it is?
It's this shadow that blocks my vision and my heart
and if I could stop it, I would, I think...
but I can't
so I stopped trying

and I stopped pretending that I don't secretly enjoy how this emptiness makes my shadow come out to play
I guess I missed it
it's familiar