What is this new
Strange wonderland
I am submerged in

A lukewarm sea
Of sluggish moves
And illusions

A pocket watch
Unlocked wardrobe
An umbrella

It’s like a dream
Calmly between
The hot and cold

Without a choice
I am stuck here
Yet I don’t mind

Passive as I am
I still Ponder
Why I am here

An eccentric
Bizarre and odd
New wonderland

I wish I was like a key chain
A thin metallic tie to keep
The plastic shell of my mind
A series of silver links
That would jingle whispers
Of my entirety and body
Without really revealing
Anything about me

Who am I even trying to fool anymore?
I’m just waiting for someone to call me out

Someone to see the absolute absurdity
Of everything I’ve been trying to be

I’m such an idiot; as if anyone could ever like me
Or anything I tried to fake being

Sphere of
Yellow

Hangs as an
Ornament

The inky
Darkness

The blackened
Night

Instances beneath the lunar
Deity

Swathe me in
Shadows

A murky
Déjà vu

Pulls forth clouds
Remembrance

All the aging
Memories

Or perhaps a storm
Doubt

Between me and
You

My poetic, ever vital *****
The loving heart

Was born with a deformity
It is crippled

For it only ever beats
Muted rhythmic thumps

It pumps blood and oxygen
But not love

And unfortunately my brain cannot
Produce such feelings

Nor steer my life as
Love might do

So I live; ever crippled
By odd deformity

You’re so uncontrollably sweet
A tooth ache and diabetes
All wrapped up in a lovely foil
But my touch is like water and
I would hate to make you melt

I painted my nails today
For the first ever time
And not gonna lie

I did a pretty **** job of it

But such feminine activities
Were just the things I ran from
As a child

In muddy sneakers and men’s tees

Just like my emotions
Or any real feelings I had
Jealousy, Admiration, Love

For I; all brazen and foolhardy was

Too tough for silver nails
Or pigtails and tears
Even true love

I am content
But not happy
But surely content
But surely eased
To sit here
And never change

Content to see
As you mature
As you grow
As you blossom
While I’m unmoved
And never change

Content to stay
Never learn maturity
Never grow new
Never discover blossoming
I wallow alone
And never change

Content to wait
As you tire
As you decide
As you leave
Knowing I’ll stay
And never change

I immerse a lilting fingertip into the
Milky icing of
My birthday cake
Intending to celebrate
Another year of life

But I am not struck by the
Pride of aging but instead by the
Shame of a compulsion
The flame on the candles brings

And licking the icing off my skin
I replace the icing with
The searing heat of
The candle stick

Wincing not only at the feel
Of my skin charring in the heat
But also at the sick
Guilty pleasure
I receive from the action

This isn’t what
Age
Is supposed to bring

Pride
At watching my maturity change
Pleasure
At new, refreshing experiences
Love
Of the expanding number of memories I held
That is what I thought
Age would bring


But no
Instead it carries with it
Shame
At the growing cravings for pain
Guilt
For the hidden experiences in darkness
Hate
For the inability to stop the thirst

Dipping your fingertip through the
Milky cream of cake icing
And dabbing it on a lover’s nose?

No
It is more along the lines of

Dipping your fingertip through the
Searing flame of the cake’s candles
And dabbing ointment on the shameful burns

You gain as many friends as your age represents
But these friends are
Shame
Embarrassment
Neglect
And every other negative thing
You never thought age would bring

She walked on her toes
Knobby knees bumping together
Forming a tomato colored patch
On her soft pale skin

Hours I wasted
Watching that pastel flesh rise
And fall
I did not comprehend why I did

Hours I wasted
Learning for myself
To correct my stance
Tan myself to a bronze shade of ‘beauty’

While she still walked on her toes
Knobby knees bumping together
Forming a tomato colored patch
On her soft pale skin

I began to comprehend why I
Watched that pastel flesh rise
And fall
Learning that the answer was ‘wrong’

Hours I wasted
Just to have my brain bleached
Her funny stance and bruises
Forgotten

All for
The sake of
Society’s very own
Normalcy

Look at you
With your
Masculine charm
Strong jaw
Lined with stubble

Look at me
With my
Feminine sides
Soft smile
With one dimple

You love me
I love
A woman
But you
Do so fearlessly

It’s an easily known fact
That I bite my nails
I mean, just look at them,
The uneven, reddish picked skin
It's blatantly obvious

But it’s funny how easily you can relinquish
A lifelong habit like biting your nails
If a pretty girl takes you fingers in her hands
Kisses each individually and says, with the most adorable pout,
“No biting!”

I never knew I could drop a habit so fast

He and I are different you see

He has a spare tire around his belly
And mine is soft and riddled with freckles

He’s got a part him ravaged by cancer
And I’m tainted with signs of depression

His forehead is bigger and smattered with speckles
Mine is pale and hidden with frazzles of blonde hair

He thinks economically and can be a bit assuming
I think way too much and yet am ridiculously oblivious

But he and I are the same you see

Despite the factors in between us
We’re forever linked by kin
And I am forever grateful

It was as
I floated there
The chilled waters licking
At my bare skin
The hot sun soothing
My stressed muscles
That I realized
In her rather warm
Embrace
That I really did
Like Her
No
Scratch That
That I really did
Love her
So with
Vague butterflies
A soft smile
And a gentle tug
I pressed her mouth
To mine
Tasted chlorine
Lip balm
And love

I have gone under; I’m drowning
The whirlpools of your eyes
Russet and Sepia so
Overwhelming
Striking me hard
On the noggin
In the heart
Till I am
Gone

Shush

It’s not a blade
On your skin amore
It’s God whispering comfort

Blood or tears trickling?
That’s just God’s tears
Giving you a blessing

They are rather rare
So please be quiet
Shut your eyes awhile

As I fix you

Tap tap tap

The sound of nails
Rhythmically striking wood

Tap tap tap

To the quickened beat
Of nervous and fluttery heart

Tap tap tap

As you’re completely at the mercy of
Those uncontrollable urges and worries

Tap tap tap

As you wait; ever infatuated
For the girl that makes you squirm

Often time’s girls will be flocked around me; bubbly and bright
Babbling on about whatever ‘adorable’ antics
The various boys they’ve been stringing along
Have cooked up to impress them

And I just think to myself
(Silently)

About how half baked these dates and plans are
The pathetic plans to go to ****** little fast food joints
Every other idiot hormonal teenage boy
In the midst of wooing with his current consumer

And I just think to myself
(Silently)

That oh my stars, I could do so much better
If it weren’t for the blind eyes of these lovely girls
I could be a chef of a million stars
Compared to the pitiable plans they’ve been spoon fed for oh so long

I am trapped
Encased

In a crusty shell

Of grotesque awkwardness
And ugly flaws

That’s beginning to strangle me

-x-

You are hiding
Concealed

In a sleek covering

Of restrained beauty
And face value

That’s smaller than your worth

-x-

They cannot see
Lies

Assumptions they have made

As the total
Prisons they are

Fools; we ought escape

-x-

Peel away my
Putridity

And I will shatter

The suffocating shell
Of accepted beauty

So we can love

-x-

Burn these stereotyping
Masks

To smoke and ashes

See what space
And freedom creates

We’ll be new beauty

Pounding down on the pavement
Thrusting your arms to an irregular
Yet somehow natural pace
Legs rippling in a painful bliss
Ears burning from the screams of watchers
You have the stupidest
But happiest look on your face

Racing like an absolute mad man
Letting every other thing in the world
All the troubles that cling to your muscles
Finally release their  slimy chokehold
To let you shake your thoughts away and
With sweaty locks of hair plastered to your face
Make the final stride

Afar; roses are sweet
Moist, pink, pleasant, their insides
Decay, no one sees

I cannot see
Underwater

Everything is blurry
And intimidating

Yet warm
Warm enough to convince me

To open my eyes once more
Only to be blinded a millionth time

Quite similar to real life
Isn’t it?

There was a smell
Of ***** in the air

There was an eye
Brown like ***** matter

There was a thought
About someone else’s 4 PM dump

There it was in my mind
As I was kissed for the very first time

I catch myself
Constantly

Thinking about you

Reminiscing about
Every feature you possess

**** this life!

And **** our distance
I’m missing you too much

Her face is a sour
Washed out ugly gray
Similar to that of dishwater
With greenish clumps
That closely resemble
Floating milk clods in the
Center of her face
For eyes

Her hair is a worn out
Expanse of stringed greasy mess
As if she'd dunked it into a fry cook's sink
And left it to sit
With the occasional underscore
Of a darker, muddy brown
Streaks of feces throughout her head
For highlights

Her body is such a frail
Structure of porous bones and blood
A once pure white is soiled with
Brownish blood red speckles and smears
Like the horrid remains of a wolf’s meal
She can’t even hold herself up and she
Shudders and shakes constantly like some
Sort of like a hypothermic deadbeat

She’s so undeniably ugly and
Disgusting feeble and poor
But how would you feel if I
A relatively sane, accepted member of society
Was able to see something in this horrid girl that I loved?
You’d never accept it and you’d no longer recognize me
For finding love the wasn’t perfectly suited to your ideals
My love has to be pretty

I was swimming;

I was
Strong
Confident
Powerful

Treading through the only current

That was
Strong
Confident
And powerful enough

To keep up with me
And my needs

When suddenly the current
Was manipulated; as liquids usually are
Into a massive funnel
With a spout too small
For me to even kind of conceivably fit through

The current is gone

But I’m still curled up

I am still
Weak
Timid
Useless

Against this smooth, slippery surface
Still wet with that current’s touch
Yet so, so, very
Alone

I do my
Best thinking
When I am cold
And I do not mean cold
Such as
Mild shivers and
Light body quakes
I mean
**** straight
Runny nose
Over the top
Wooly sweaters
And hot chocolate
To soothe
My frozen bones


I suppose the
Intensity
The feel of my
Frigid skeleton
Pressed against my
Clammy Skin
Wakes me up


So I sit there
****
(Because God knows those sweaters were hideous…)
With a glass
Of frosted judgement
And ponder over thoughts
That were previously resolved
Only to reconsider


Why in God’s name
Did I say that to her?
Do his stares really mean
What they imply?
Did I leave the stove on?
Till my mind
Liquefies
To mere mush
And the chills
Overtake my curiosity
Are replaced by
A mug of hot beverage
Of my usual lukewarm distaste

How long am I going to spend?

Pressed against the wall breathlessly
Waiting for my Prince Charming

Before I manage to plow through

This thick headed ignorance and
Realize that I was never the princess

Somewhere a beautiful girl is waiting for me

To come parading in on a stallion
And sweep her off her feet

A blonde woman sitting on a brick ledge
Is throwing her hands, calloused and raw

The hands of an aging artist

Into seamlessly meshed gestures
Grand but sometimes ridiculous motions

To narrate a story for an amused spectator

She lives for the smiles of her listeners
But lives off the change they drop in her cup

With a bright smile that’s secretly melancholy

Due to the choice she made; to live a free, happy life
Without the burdens of disappointed onlookers

Completely alone

I cannot miss your touch
I was oblivious, and never really felt it
I didn’t know you’d be gone so soon

I cannot miss your voice
What I thought at the time was listening, wasn’t good enough to memorize it
I didn’t know you’d be gone so soon

I cannot miss your scent
I never braved the proximity it would’ve taken to know your musky whiff
I didn’t know you’d be gone so soon

I cannot miss your taste
I was too ***** to ever go after you, or your flavor
I didn’t know you’d be gone so soon

I cannot miss the sight of you
Though I saw you, I didn’t learn your appearance well enough
I didn’t know you’d be gone so soon

Now that you are gone
I hate that I was so cowardly; so craven
And don’t have the vaguest remembrance of what you really were

Forget his ******* eye color
The February slush
Is far from memorable
I hate loving mush

Can you not see mine
They're filled with the rush
Of never ending
Strong love which is lush

How do you perceive?
Those soft greens must gush
Blinding blood as you
Love him; make me shush

In the somber and grave cemetery I stand alone
The wispy wintry winds whipping my hair to and fro
Though the tears sting at my eyes I refuse to let them go

They do not deserve to
I did not appreciate
What I had once had
I only realized I
Was sorry for my neglect
When I could not return
The human life I had toyed

Death is an unforgiving giver
Because if you are to come hither
You will receive something you are bound
To shatter or misplace among others
And Death will not refund your purchase
And your credit with him shall be soiled
Never again will he reward you

In the somber and grave cemetery I stand alone
The wispy wintry winds whipping my hair to and fro
Though the tears sting at my eyes I refuse to let them go

The human body is a beautiful thing
It’s all emotions and organs and strength and power
Wrapped up in a seamless casing of warm flesh
With blood circulating throughout each limb
Meant to function no matter what occurs
And thus one might think that God or Science or whomever

So brilliant and wise would make us a little more… resilient

So that my emotions wouldn’t be a befuddled mess
Certain organs wouldn’t ache with pain and desire
My strength wouldn’t fail me when I needed it most
That power wouldn’t hurt those I’m near
The flawless skin I was blessed with would still appear as such
And I wouldn’t be leaking blood all across the floor

Those fortunate enough
To be living without
Anxiety; believe
It is like a disease

But in reality
It is a creature that
Thrives in environments
Which tickle the senses

A pair of noisy heels
Can drum up fear in me
That clutches to my ears
Which rash and mulish force

The itch of a shirt tag
Consumes my attention
Deletes my feeling any
Other touch but that pain

An acid taste of foul
Street side food I received
From a pushy hawk
Stirs more than nausea

Such sensations are
Unremarkable to
Those anxiety free
Cause they don’t live like me

Where such surroundings
Have a vice grip on the
Mentally unstable
They cause a pain unseen

I am a human being

Love thrives in my chest

Fresh faced, new, blissfully unaware

Or as some would say


Ignorant


Until all the bigots see

With their blind eye's view

They are traumatized to realize

That my love will be


Her's

Just stop breathing God ******
Stop breathing right now
Understand?

I cannot stand the rise and fall
So slow and steady and alive
It moves me along
Simulates something that I
Do not want to be

Understand?

I watched the sneer
Curl up like a crinkling leaf

Into the shiny red
Of those shapely lips

They were like roses
Soft, damp and thick

Or cranberry stains
Sweet and lingering

(I could never tell which)
All I knew was

They were always
My favorite

I am tired
Oh so unbelievably
Undoubtedly
Exhaustedly
Tired

I feel as if I am
Carrying the weight
Of the world
And all its burdens
On my shoulders

When in reality
Not a soul would give me
The time of day
Let alone a dark secret to hold
Or a trust needing thing
For me to never breathe

It’s the encumbrance
Of having nothing to carry
Whilst other march
Indifferent to their darkest loads
That makes my shoulders so heavy

I am tired
Oh so unbelievably
Undoubtedly
Exhaustedly
Tired

The foreign feel

This cool plastic

Pressed to rough

Skinny artist’s fingers

A gentle pressure

Spills inked expressions

Cursive scrawl confessions

I submit myself

To this oddity

Relearning how to

Embrace myself again

You fool
Yes I know
That it’s unfair
How lovely it feels
To have another
Human being
Another woman if we’re specific
Another sin
To be pressed against your body
Yes I know that’s what it feels like, you fool
How could I not?

You fool
Yes I know
How sickly wonderful it feels
To capture their lovely lips
They’re kissing soft and gentle lies
That seem so
Perfect
That they must be illegal
Like some sort of unknown treachery
I know that’s what it feels like, you fool
How could I not?

You fool
Yes I know
That it’s unfair
How distortedly gorgeous
All those other women are
Like a **** unlawful drug
Hallucinogenic and hypersensitive
Able to light your senses on fire
With just a taste
I know that’s what it feels like, you fool
How could I not?

You fool
Yes I know
That it’s unfair
I know that’s what it feels like, you fool
How could I not?
I too have
Indulged in that pleasure
And now I lead an
Ever tasteless life because
That pleasure will always be a
Sin

I have been living in the warm womb of solitude
For the past few months of my existence

Enjoying all the numbed emotional experiences my fetus-y form can handle
Feeding off my friends and family to steal their wisdom and words

Stealing their past revelations and independence and growth
Growing pounds like a puppy and gaining inches like a tapeworm

Till my previously battered brain begins to crave
The aches and pains of heartbreak once more

Yearning for the cold, unforgiving air of reality on my newborn skin
After nine months of solitude and twelve weeks of young love

Searching wantonly for the sensations I left behind
Such as the warmth of a girl’s fingers between my own

My mind demands something more rigorous to live through
My mind, a scarred warrior, craves a new challenge

Something for it to be beaten and bloodied and crushed by
Something for it to mourn and learn from and conquer

For you see; the wings within my spine are quivering
They’re rippling with excitement at the thoughts in my head

The thought of finally, finally, finally
Getting back out into the world again

They are not in love
Her sea green gazes
Are not filled with
Love or compassion
They are filled by
Dissatisfaction and
Distaste at what she
Has allowed herself
To settle for and with

They are not in love
His watery blue glances
Are not filled with
Love or compassion
They are filled by
Desperation and
The admiration of a
Mere man child
Unaware of what he has

They are not in love
My darkened ocean stares
They are filled by
Love and compassion
They are filled by
Utter devotion and
Sheer romanticized love
I could give her and it'd
Be worth so much more than his.

They are not in love
The media’s pale gray glares
Are not filled with
Love and compassion
They are filled with
Greed and rejection
Of what is not fitting
In the perfectly styled
Heterosexual world

They are not in love
I would like to proclaim
With hell to the media
And his watery blue glances
I could fill her with
Far more love and compassion
Than he or the media
Ever cared to give to her

Matted autumn leaves cling
To every surface
The cold concrete streets
The orangey red brick walls
The chipped facade exteriors
Of road lamps much like me
The peeling rusty paint
Dotted by bits of dampened foliage
Little knotted up black things
While road lamps don’t give a ****
I have to pick them off my clammy skin
And then they get under my nails
They are abundant right now
Like all the other frustrations of my daily life
Sneaky little *******
The air is incredibly damp
It’s thick with fog
Carrying with it a familiarly pungent
But ever revolting scent
Of a funky little diner down the street
That makes my freckled nose wrinkle
Reminiscent of the scent of past disgusts

She caught in flames of
White hot, sporadic spouting
Misread teenage rage

My mind turns
In perfect rounds

Of thoughts that
Revolve you

Like ugly
Polluted

Planet Earth
Follows one

Beautiful
Golden sun

Every once in awhile I would see
Her façade weaken to a breaking point
She would shut down and cry in front of me

She’d let me comfort her
Run my fingers through her hair
Touch the planes of her skin in soothing ways

Listening as I whispered consolations
Completely unaware or perhaps just
Too exhausted to even care

That I was relishing her failure and the
Intimate opportunity it gave me
To touch and try to win her over

Till she reset her mask of power
Forcing her to put me back in place as her
Devoted best friend and hapless desirer

They used to have a routine
The two of them
Every day at ten past one PM
They’d sit in the fourth row
Of the classroom
Side by side
She’d listen attentively
To the teacher’s lecture
And he’d wander through his
Thoughts; listening to his mind
His massive arm would drape
Over her petite frame
Her dark corkscrewed hair would surge
Till it lay atop his free hand; a color contrast
But the routine changed
As did some feelings
Everyday at ten past one PM
She’d sit in the fourth row
Of the classroom
All alone
She’d listen attentively
To the teacher’s lecture
I would slowly work up the nerve
To slide into the lone seat beside her
Her dark corkscrewed hair surged
Till it whipped around as she could see
That is was me
That I was not him
…
She smiled

Is it strange for me to say
That with the passing of
Yet another year
I’m most certainly young but I feel
Old?

So much as occurred since passing
That simple little thirteen
Quite literally
Cancer, Sexuality, Grades
But also figuratively I suppose

Even in youth it seems
That I bear so many more scars and wrinkles
And so much more knowledge
Than my peers
It’s as if I’ll need a walker soon

I need to write something
No, no you don’t understand

I need to write
I need to prove something

(Though I do not know what it is)

That I’m talented?
That I’m alive?

That despite weeks and weeks
And months and months

Of retreating into the darkest corners of my mind
Giving you only dark, depressing drabbles

If anything
To go by

So despite being well aware
That this piece is going to be

Complete and utter ****
**** that’s hot and moist

Plugged with pine straw and grass

Beneath the glorious writers
Of HP’s feet

I need to make that sacrifice

I am here
I am *alive