My mind turns
In perfect rounds

Of thoughts that
Revolve you

Like ugly
Polluted

Planet Earth
Follows one

Beautiful
Golden sun

Normality

Is how he stays
Awake and warm
Coated in the
Sticky sweat and
Grimed residue

From thoughts of you
The touch he craves
He can picture and
Violate your
Pure young image

Immorally

Is how my mind
Stays plagued with
A cloud of love
Wispy and soft
Adoration

From thoughts of you
Attentions craved
I can’t wish for
One **** handhold
It is a sin

Perhaps this is

Insanity

She stared me down
Her eyes harsh and vicious

And maybe just a bit fearful

"I can't give you what you're used to
I'm not experienced like the others"

"I don't have the answers you're looking for"

There was just the slightest quiver
In her softened lips

A sign of her hesitation to speak her mind

My own expression was curled into
A gentle, almost amused smile as I replied

"I'm not hard to please"

They are not in love
Her sea green gazes
Are not filled with
Love or compassion
They are filled by
Dissatisfaction and
Distaste at what she
Has allowed herself
To settle for and with

They are not in love
His watery blue glances
Are not filled with
Love or compassion
They are filled by
Desperation and
The admiration of a
Mere man child
Unaware of what he has

They are not in love
My darkened ocean stares
They are filled by
Love and compassion
They are filled by
Utter devotion and
Sheer romanticized love
I could give her and it'd
Be worth so much more than his.

They are not in love
The media’s pale gray glares
Are not filled with
Love and compassion
They are filled with
Greed and rejection
Of what is not fitting
In the perfectly styled
Heterosexual world

They are not in love
I would like to proclaim
With hell to the media
And his watery blue glances
I could fill her with
Far more love and compassion
Than he or the media
Ever cared to give to her

Point, Whisper, Laugh
Judge her; that girl there
The fool on the leash of
The cruelest but
Most beautiful girls

Point, Whisper, Laugh
Judge her; that girl there
As she stumbles, head over heels
To try and please
The cruelest but
Most beautiful girls

Point, Whisper, Laugh
Judge her; that girl there
As she falls for yet another gorgeous woman
Who's only going to take advantage of her naïve demeanor
The cruelest but
Most beautiful girls

Point, Whisper, Laugh
Judge her; that girl there
It’s never going to stop, this pattern
She has grooves on her neck from the leashes of
The cruelest but
Most beautiful girls

She’ll never learn will she?

Pop
“God!” She snap at me
Pop
Hair flying like mad as she whipped around
Pop
“Why do you always pop your knuckles?”
Pop
Her green eyes would be blazing as she’d rant
Pop
“You know it drives me nuts yet every day”
Pop
Her mouth would twist with frustration
Pop
“Without fail you pop them! Why?”
Pop
I don’t think she was ever expecting my response
Pop
“Because, love,”
Pop
“If didn’t you’d never even look at me”
Pop
“And I wouldn’t get to see that pretty face”
(Pop)

Quit doing that, girlie
Them fiber threads
That you keep on plucking apart
Drawing ‘em out till they snap
Like they’re **** corn silk?
They goin’ break if you don’t stop it
Them my ****** brain cells
Quit doing that, girlie

Quit doing that, girlie
You keep on strumming
Them ****** chords
You know them chords
Them red ***** chords?
They goin’ break if you don’t stop it
Them my ****** heart strings
Quit doing that, girlie

Quit doing that, girlie
All that laughter you keep on doing?
Ya know, that lilting giggling ya do?
Well it’s like ****** syrup
Leaking n’ logging up my ears
They goin’ break if you don’t stop it
Them my ****** ears
Quit doing that, girlie

I just might break.

Childhood taught me
To hide behind boys
With bright eyes and muddy sneakers
Whom’s laughter and
Enamored smiles
Would protect me from my feelings

Early adolescence was a time
To experience the many firsts
Actual desire
The denial inducing judgment
That always
Comes with it


The stage of time you might name ‘now’
Has been a breath of fresh air
And honesty
That no matter how differently I
Love
We are all the same

They tell us to forget
Our past flames
And our broken romances

But I do not want to forget
Because I can still remember
So, so, so many things

I can remember
That time you said
That I just made you “so, so so happy”

That you loved the way
I lit up into a goofy smile
When you did certain things

That the thought of us
Together into even adulthood
Was a lovely thought

They tell us to forget
Our past flames
And our broken romances

But why, why why
Why would I ******* want to forget
Those things, how you made me feel

Even if you don’t
Feel them or say them
Anymore

The thought of those times
Makes me so so so
**** happy

And yet the thought of those times
Makes me so so so
**** sad

Oh
Maybe that’s why
Well then

Just call me
Ms. Self Destructive
Then

Regard
Gaze and contemplate
My milk skin

Ashen
Disrupted only
By my scars

Others
They gawk and ogle
Yours on mine

Ebon
Smooth and oh so dark
When near white

Color?
I’d go blind before
Seeing love

As black and white

Fashion your figure
Carve each feature to a new
Disguise; another lie

Personally I think the photo
That really captures ‘me’

Is the one of a little blonde child
Perhaps two or maybe three

Donning a muddy navy blue dress
And little scuffed up Mary Janes

With the widest most manic grin
Little fingers clenched tightly into fists

As if to say to me
“Let’s tear this **** up!”

I am content
To just sit here
I do believe
I am content
To just sit here
Watch you bloom and
Watch you blossom
Witness you cry
Witness you suffer
Observe you mature
Observe you nurture
But remain the
Exact same myself
I am content
To just sit here
I do believe
I am content
To just sit here
While you are the
One to live life
Experience
Everything that
I am far too
Frightened and
Immature to
Ever do myself
I do believe
I am content
To just sit here
Because I am
A coward myself

I struggle to express myself
With words anymore

Instead I’ve taken to the
Slightly masochistic method

Of running like mad
As means of release

My feet pounding on the pavement
My muscles screaming in agony

Up to the painful peaking point
Where everything finally numbs

It feels like every hurtful mental musing
Has been forced out of my body

My mind finally quiets if only for a short while
At which point I lace my sneakers and repeat

I stood there
In the dim lights of our den

A place once cherished
But now otherwise ignored

It had become his
Hiding place

His refuge for
When he wouldn’t speak

At those times
Like right now

I would stand there
Behind him

Delicately trailing random patterns
On his sweat-soaked tee’s back

He used to dress nicely
Plaid polos and such

But ever since she passed
He was rather shoddy in his appearance; sloppy

I could feel his body
Rise and fall

Each breath shorter and less healthy
Than the last

But I said nothing
Simply humming softly

Finally he lifted his head
His pale, pallid skull

Topped with slightly thinned
Reddish hair

It’d been so thick before
Before she passed

He turned slowly
To face me

His face was a sickly purple so unlike the warm peach
It’d been when she was alive

His lips were pale and chapped
Unlike their previous full pink

And they were shuddering violently
As he tried to speak

After another moment of silence
Eventually he did

If you’d just been
Quiet

He whispered
In a harsh, raspy voice

His now yellowed teeth that he once prided in deeply
Gleamed in the den’s faded light

If you had just
Kept your **** mouth shut

He elaborated
In a sour undertone

I felt my stomach sickening itself
But refused to show reaction to his words

If you had just been able to silence yourself for a ****** minute
She would not have died

I knew it was true
And so I did not try to stop him as he stood

He was gone within hours
To accompany her

To abandon me
The idiot that could not keep quiet

Thus now I am what you might call a
Mute

For silence is a friend
That never betrays

Someone has restricted my wrists
Trapping me with iron chains and roughened ropes
Chafing a sour burn on me when I struggle
Trickling a harsh burn on my membrane
Intensified by the comprehension that I’ll never feel her touch again

Someone has shoved a *** of socks down my throat
Trickling the ever sour bile taste down my esophagus
Tarnishing my tastes permanently with the substance
Choking my breathing tubes with a surfacing lodge of *****
Worsened by the reality that I’ll never taste her lips on mine again

Someone has leaked chloroform inside the room
Smelling its’ vague yet distinctively sweet scent
Expanding in my nostrils the substance is
Rising to suffocate me with its scent
Knowing I’ll die with this scent in my senses instead of her’s

Someone has planted a speaker within these walls
Echoing replays of her voice in my mind
Rerunning the sound of her hysterics
Driving nails into my eardrums
Lodging the knowledge that I’ll never hear her laughter again

Someone has placed
Disorientation in front of me
Swirling confusion and vague pain
Swindling my common sense down to nothing
Masking the sharp feeling that she always gave me

Skin
Silky smooth
Like satin bed sheets
Creamy and peach
Like FAGE yogurt
Undisturbed and unwrinkled
Like a pool of endless youth

Hair
Perfectly sculpted to curl and swerve
Like writing on the surface of an ice rink
Colored an array of various toffee browns
Like the fanciful coffees of foreign cities
Softened and voluminous
To fill every corner of a room like sea foam

Eyes
So young and bright
Like that of a newborn child
Blue and unbelievably light
Like staring into the tinted mirrors of a palace
Rounded and flocked by milky lashes
Like fluttering wings on a swan

How am I to fall
In love
With someone so utterly perfect
And so utterly different
Compared to me?

They had an affair
A summer romp
In the sticky warm nights

Secrets, some deep
And some random
Were whispered to the other

“I hate my body”
“My favorite color is pink”
Oh; the variety

Imagine one’s surprise
When the other turned up
Months after their fling

With twenty pounds lost
And her hair dyed
Cotton candy pink

They crawl and creep
Through the streets
On skinny hands and calloused knees

Sometimes they don’t have hands
Or sit on the curb and rattle demands
From the contents of the plastic cups or cans

So we cannot hear their teeth
Under the blustery air that follows beneath
The passing wealthy folks’ feet

takes
your hands
rough and ******
in one fatal swoop
melts the iron around them
as she has done many times before

I cannot read one man’s thoughts
While I can hear another’s
In the background

Because my mind
Can only grasp one human’s
Truest intentions and dreams at once

Any more leads to
Poor comprehension
And just one in itself is a blessing

I love you so much
I would crack open your skull
Pluck out your brain
Read your thoughts

But apparently that’s not socially
Acceptable
So I suppose I’ll settle
For holding your hand instead

I try to grasp

That beautiful girl’s hand

Before she flies away


Inspiration!


I cry out loudly

The warmth in mind

Already starting to fade


Gone?

How strange it has been

To crave the touch of
Rougher souls; these different grips

I am so used to

A desire for the female
Touch, taste, mind and body

Experiencing a male and all
His quirks and customs is

Interesting

He had a shine
You had unseen
Brilliance

He complimented my glow
You set our image
Aflame

I want to burn the city with you
You want the world’s
Approval

I like quite often
But never love

I theorize this is why
When his eyes met mine

My mouth produced
A mere quavering whimper

No confession of love
Nor a quest for a life together

My heart remained unchanged
Though I quite enjoyed our time together

Was this all for naught?

Life is split by our only purities
Black and white; hate and love

But which were you?

You started out as gray; so I screamed and smeared you black
It was easier to darken something than make it lighter

But which were you?

Perhaps you were pale enough for me to have lied
I could have just blurred my eyes and made you white

But which were you?

You made my world rotten; gray
Some parts dried white and others soaked in black

But which were you?

You’ve been gray since forever
And you’ve grayed my senses

Matted autumn leaves cling
To every surface
The cold concrete streets
The chipped facade exteriors
Of road lamps and me

Hugging my clammy skin
Little knotted up black things
That I have to pick off my skin
Only to have them get under my nails?
Those are abundant right now

The air is incredibly damp
It's thick with fog
Carrying a familiarly pungent
But ever disgusting scent
Of a funky little diner down the street

Why is everyone
So
Loud

The vocal chaos
And
Endlessly agitating noise

Could
Cease
Easily

Walk with a
Gentler
Step

Throw away those
Hectic machines
Of blaring mayhem

Perhaps if you
Did
Our thoughts would quiet too

For a softer
Quieter
Peaceful world

We spent a night
Where the moon was looming
And yellow
Above our heads and far from our fingertips

He told me the moon
Was mine to keep
I just had to reach out
And take it

So I did

We spent a night
Where his heart was looming
And red
Beneath my head and far from my fingertips

I told him his heart
Was mine to keep
I just had to reach out
And take it

But I didn’t

Organs twist and

Struggle uncomfortably

As guilt passes through you

Golden boy

On ivory stone
He has the women
Makes them moan

I am cursed to be alone

It's not far on this path
That we would go
It’d be a stumble away
If you would just go on and run
I know you won't take the plunge

If I could push you
Just shove you over the edge
I might do it cause
You would catch yourself
I know you won’t take the plunge

This thing we’ve been doing
It’d be gone by now if it’d meant nothing
It would've faded out by now like a dream
Clearly we’ve got something better than that
I know you won’t take the plunge


I've been waiting for months now
You know that no one gets my attention like that
I’ve been hanging around even though I doubt
You’ll ever grow a pair and finally man up
I know you won’t take the plunge

I love to brood and live
In obscure gloom

She cuts it all away
The shadows I hide in

It's refreshing really
To see the days again

But it’s been so long
These lights burn

She used to wear a ring
And whenever I’d lean down
To press my lips to the metal
She’d giggle; wooed by my suave

Somehow it’s just not the same
To kiss the cold metal that
Once adorned a warm, gentle hand
I miss her laughter

Love is not pure
Not in any form

In order to
Keep my canvas

Unsoiled of these
Unwholesome blots

I am lonely
Clean; yet unseen

I’m not much like him

You’ll find that if

You’re a lover of
Rough romance that bruises the skin
And arrogance

I won’t be able to satisfy you

But if perhaps you

Could consider a gentler love
A warm caress that will
Buzz and whisper on your skin

I could suit your needs

A chance?

Dear fairy tale movie industry,
Please fulfill my childhood dreams
And make a gay princess
Sincerely, we don’t all want a prince charming

Ha!
Laugh at me
Throw trash at me
Strip me down
Expose me; please

Rip away my crusted exterior
To see what’s really inside
It’s putrid I’m sure
It’s foul and nasty
It’s just the disgusting trash
You anticipated it’d be
It couldn’t be anything more
Right?

With your manicured nails
And photo shopped perfection
You could never be wrong
In seeing what I
In my raw essence
Could be
I could never be anything worthy

But tell me please
What you
In all your perfection
Would do
If it turned out that I were
Pretty?

Erase my whole history
Forego what I’ve

Touched
Tasted
Smelled
Seen
Heard


I’ll change my name
To Charlie Parker

To
Be
A
New
Girl

There are girls
Of all shapes
And colors

When they fall
It’s for me
Down the stairs

People say teenage love
Is a burst of butterflies
Or a set of flushed cheeks

Oh how wrong they are

I say teenage love
Is a quaking nausea
Or a set of nails bitten raw

And if it is butterflies
Then they knaw at your insides
Till you bleed

The reddened cheeks are
A result of pulling
On the baby fat you loathe

Teenage love
I say
Is far from pleasant

I like this
Style you have
The hair
Perfectly sculpted to be
Falling just over your eyes
The pout
That one might call
‘Boyish and cute’
The punkish clothes
That look questionably good
On your suburban boy body
I like this
Style you have
But I do not love it
Because I cannot love someone
So different from me
So perfect compared
To me

Stop!

She screamed;
Curling blood coated
Fingers into tightened fists

How is it that you can smile?
I’ve given you a thousand reasons to cry

But

She replied
Lips gnawed raw
As they shaped words

If I can just forget you and see the rest of the world
I have a million reasons to smile

It’s as if I miss you
enough to put a hole

In the mid of my chest

I could do it myself
With a knife or a gun

But this aching I feel

Apparently it’s a
Natural reaction

Some ****** thing called love…

I just like to think

That years

Years from this point

(Not to confused with

Years ago)

From now when my skin

Has come to change

And wrinkles around

My eyes

That I will have found

The girl I am meant

To love.

I will be content to know

That the love seeking time

(The time I take to worry

and tap my teeth

in nervousness)

Is over

And that’s just that.

I will have started something new with you.

Scalp is shielded and shoulders are blocked
By a hideous river of ****** locks

Murky eyes are shot and marred with
Darkly colored crescents and dots

Lips are chapped and gnawed
In the midst of releasing fumes from skin that’s raw

Is she cool enough for you now?

Every evening
The world is
Swathed
In a soft
Yellow curtain
Of subtle light
Just before sunset
It’s pretty
But I’m a bit
Saddened
When it comes
Because this
Yellow curtain
Is only falling
For a nighttime
Performance
Of blackness

If you looked closely
You could find a god
Among the populous
Inside of mankind
All you’d have to do
Is find a man with
A Hunched over back
Because he is Atlas
And he carries the burden
Of the world’s ugly truth
On his very own shoulders