Funny how the one you don't long for,
Can cling to you like a guilt ridden curse.
And yet the one that you do desire,
Seems to run from you like fire.

So please feel free to explain
The reasoning behind this wasted pain?
Why must one always want what they can't have?
When there are so many other options up for grabs

And why is this vicious circle so often repeated?
Can't our interfering emotions see that they're not needed?!

Or wanted, I must add..

Because what follows in every case,
is all too heartwrenching and sad..

i find it so hard to sit and listen to something I don't believe.
I feel the urge to stand up and shout and preach of the deceit.
But I must withhold my thoughts and respect the views of others,
For I would hate it if someone felt that my voice should be smothered.
But I just can't comprehend how people can follow so blindly,
How they can hold no voice for themselves, yet listen to others kindly.
Accept all they say for they are in control,without question or doubt,
Or understanding what' truly lies within their own soul.


And mind.

And heart.

We do not consider the uptmost importance a being holds in our life,
Until its impeccable, immovable stature in our world is threatened.

Only then do our eyes witness its true beauty,
Dampened as result of its never-ending presence.

Its wonderous warmth,
Missed only at the realisation of the bitter cold it's absence would entail.

Its cherished wisdom,
Taken for granted in our times of imbosilim.

Only then does our heart ache at the thought of that gaping hole
Which would remain eternally at the loss of our dearly beloved.

Only then does our mind flash back over all the incredible memories formed due to the presence of this significant figure.

And only then do we begin to appreciate the loving, kind, unwavering presence of that forever loyal other,
That strong, sturdy admirational woman,
My truest hero,
*My dear Mother.

How does she do it?
What has she got that I do not possess?
How can she win the heart of any man
With a casual, undignified glance.

And why do I long and yearn for him,
With such fiery anguish and reckless disillusionment?
I have done so for such a long time,
Why didn't this silly childhood crush
disintegrate along with mine?

It is a difficult thing to love the one you envy the most.
But it is even harder to hate someone
Who shows you nothing but kindness,
Someone who does not mean any harm
But simply inflicts it unknowingly.

How can you ask them to stop the pain,
When it's source is their romantic gain.
If it wasn't her it would be somebody else,
And if not them, another.
I see no end to this unraveling string of misery.

The disease of jealousy is the most bitter
And grotesque of illnesses.
Once attained it is extremely difficult
If not impossible to cure.
It is for this reason, that I worry profoundly.
For I have let this sickness go untreated for an eternity now,
Allowing it to soar through my bloodstream,and enter all vital organs,


even my poor, fragile heart.

I have now moved on.
Or at least I like to think I have.
I no longer feel the urge to contact you, but I must admit I do still long for you to make one final move.
And I know that if you did,
No matter how much your previous silence and unclarity has harmed me,
I would respond with pace and content, simply because you though of me.
Yes.
I do still want this feeling to disappear,
However,
I believe I still cling onto it,
With what little strength remains within me,
For the simple, unexplainable need I have to feel.
Something.
Anything...

Without feeling life is all too dull and unbearable.
Even if this feeling I bear is not necessarily a comforting one,
It is in my opinion, better than the
Empty,
Hopeless,
Excruciating
Feeling



of



nothing.

I don't believe I want you,
But my subconcious begs to differ.
My body seems to yearn for you,
When i've ingested too much liquor.

I deny it when I'm sober, and say it was the drink,
But this mindset is recurring,
And it's starting to make me think.

It's so hard for me to play it cool
When all I think about is you.
I feel as though that night we spent together,
Will play on my mind forever.

But for you it is so easy.
And your cruel silence only intrigues me.
When you cease to reply
Or refrain for a long while,
My mind works overtime
Analysing every word I said,
Trying to find the cause for your disinterest or discontent.

I do not know if you are playing hard to get or if you simply don't want to be got.
This is the real question playing on my mind.
And because I think I may be developing feelings for you,
The truth behind this, I must find.

Two strangers entangled
On a hot Summer's night.
A mere date had been founded
But what ensued they could not fight.

Their breathing was heavy,
Their desires inflamed,
And the darkness which consumed them,
disguised all guilt and all shame.

After the first time, she pulled him close,
But realised soon his affection was ghost.
She understood this and respected it too,
For it was merely a hook up and not a lover in truth.

But still her body and soul yearned for his warmth,
She just longed for someone to combat the storm
The dark clouds cried tears, inside of her heart
Shedding loneliness, felt only when others did depart.

She needed somebody to fight away the cold
And this she temporarily found in his limp hold.

But nothing was long term,
And nothing permanent,
And she soon returned home
To feel lonely again.

After the longest of times,
You managed somehow,
To worm your way back into my life.
I had been so sure that you didn't care,
And so convinced myself there was, quite simply, nothing there.

But then you went and indirectly gave me a sign,
Once again planting these thoughts and emotions in my mind.

Why oh why can't you simply tell ME how you feel?
I don't know if it's denial, pride or fear.
Whatever it is I don't care.
There is only so long I can have these feelings to spare.
Only so long I can patiently wait,
Before I get up, and shut that creaking, vulnerable, breakable gate.

I am flying.
I am free.
I am a big bold bird,
Soaring high over the deep blue sea.
I am wild at heart,
I am peaceful in mind,
And the true treasures of this magnificent earth,
I yearn to find.

I was lying in bed when a memory came flooding back to me.
It was a warm summers day and we were taking it all in, on a beautiful, sheltered, Irish beach.
I clearly recall swimming out to that island, knowing you were there.
It was crowded, but I spotted you straight away.
I saw you glance at me through the corner of your eye.
I tried not to look in your direction for fear of you noticing,
But I felt your eyes on my barely clothed body.
I tried my best to stand in some sort of way that would enhance my non-existant beauty.
I stood straight, pushed my hair back and laughed with my friends,
Attempting to pretend you were not all that occupied my mind.
I liked that feeling of you watching me.
It made me feel attractive, powerful even.
And for a brief, glorious moment I felt that you wanted me like I so badly wanted you.

No matter how far we go,
Our baggage always seems to follow.
Trailing ever so slowly behind..

And then when we find somewhere we are content,
And we stop to catch our breath,

It creeps up into our wake,
Filling us with sorrow as deep and dark as a big swamp lake.

He's in my head.
He occupies my mind.
His piercing blue eyes
Are all I can find.
In my minds eye I see him so clear,
But from his I am absent,
I expect and I fear.

Too him I was a fling.
Too him it probably meant nothing.
But for me it was the most intimate night,
Of my sad, lonely, loveless life.