once when i was hurting,
i took a picture of a wall
where someone wrote in yellow letters:
all i want is healing
healing is all i want.
i looked at that wall every day
for a year
until someone painted over it
and all that was left
was the photo i had taken.

after that,
those ten words
became my secret mantra.
i would stare at those words
during hopeless nights
with nothing but myself
and a small blade i used
when the noise got too loud.

i thought a lot about
how i felt about those words -
what they really meant,
if they were the utter *******
i was beginning to believe they were,
and what my response would be
if someone ever spoke them to me
out loud.
until finally,
on one particular suffocating evening,
i carved the words
healing is difficult
on the very top of my
right thigh
and i thought, yeah
that's a pretty good
****-you
to the world and its hope
for healing.
count me out.
healing is hopeless.
healing is a myth.
healing is difficult.
and that is the truth.

it wasn't until this year,
after my scars have long since faded,
that i think back on those ten words
and know what they actually mean.

yes, i do want healing
and yes, healing is all i want.
i'm doing it right now
and i am scared
and i am shaking
but i am doing it,
i am doing it.
truth is,
i've waited for this kind of bravery
all my life.

no, i am
not in love with you
you - however that word may be
defined
you:
one; anyone; people in general: a tiny animal you can't even see
you you you oh, you
who has been buried under the blanket of time
you, who i no longer
see

the term
out of sight, out of mind has never
applied to me
but i do believe
you can stay in love with a memory
long after a person
has chosen to
flee

no, i am
not in love with you
but i still look at your pictures
to remind myself that i was once very close
to someone extraordinary
as i know you are, still
even though you are no longer
anywhere remotely close
to me.

i asked you for money
to contribute to my trip to Florida

because i am a horrible daughter
because you haven't worked for three years
because i was testing you
because it's wrong that i have a job and you don't
because i'm 21 and you're 45
because i know you're broke and wanted to remind you of that
because you have two children you're not taking care of
because you have three children total but i don't count myself as yours anymore
because you have a lot of growing up to do
because i wanted to feel guilty for asking
because a piece of paper has exceeded the worth of our relationship
because i'm about to go on the most amazing adventure of my life
and you're not even happy for me
because i need your support
because you're essentially absent from my life
because you're dating a drug dealer who supplies you with everything
because i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
because i'm a horrible daughter
because i'm greedy for asking
because nothing is enough.

i like the way
you stare at me as i define the word busy
i like the way
you ask me how i'm doing
i like the hungry look
in your eyes as i reply "fine" because that is not enough of a response for you
to live on
i like the way
you keep trying to pursue me
after i've already made it ******* clear i'm not interested
i like how you said
you're okay with that
even though i know you aren't
i like the way you try
to catch my eye every time i walk past you
i like the way i look away
because eye contact is for sore girls with sad hearts
i like that i am
a sore girl with a sad heart but
my giggle distracts you from
knowing that
i like how i challenge your pride
every time i say no-thank-you-i-already-have-plans
i like how you keep reaching for something
that is obviously invisible
because i can hardly remember if i exist or not in general usually
i like how you don't know
that i can relate to that feeling
of wanting something that barely exists to begin with
i like how i say goodbye to you
right before the back door closes
and never looking back
at you to see if you're watching me
because i already know
that you are.

out of the blue you asked me if
the reason we don't talk anymore is because
both of us are supposedly "busy"
or if it is because
i'm trying to get better
while you're still trying to die

i quit beating around the bush
and told you the honest truth
scared to death
of hurting you even more
than you already are.

"it's okay, i understand. see you on the other side."
was all you said.

it breaks my heart to know that there are
two connotations
to that answer
and i might never find out
which one you were
referring to.

sometimes i see the little green light
beside your name on
facebook chat
and i stare at it for a while, hoping a little
"hey! how are you?" might pop up
wondering how long i will have to wait
for you to notice me.
but then i feel pathetic because it's like
the majority of my life has been spent on
waiting
for people to notice me
and while half of me wants to be noticed,
the other half strongly wishes to remain
an anonymous quote you happened to
stumble upon in an abandoned library, or
a figment of your imagination
where every aspect of
myself
has been starved from each of your
senses
where you are left alone to wonder
if i ever actually existed
at all.

Cause it tortures me, that you must know.
The way you give away your smile.
I’d thought that it was mine to keep,
And it seemed so for a while.

But age before beauty again,
So again I’m tossed aside.
By someone who is “good for you,”
Someone you don’t have to hide.

Even though I wont admit it,
I’ll still be here for you
When she walks out, cause she’ll walk out
And you won’t know what to do

You’re welcome to my arms, you know.
They’ll always be right here.
Like a country song we’ll dance
And you can hold me near.

But this is just a midnight dream.
You wont be here when I wake.
You’re gone away with her, I think.
You’ll be far when I awake.

So I’ll just keep my eyes closed,
And let the tears fall down my face
Cause at least in my midnight dream
We can be in the same place.