I climbed to the top of a hill
today and the wind was ridiculous.
I wanted to scream how much I hated your guts
and let the gale carry it back to you
four or five towns away.

But how could I? I wish nothing on you.
You're a little bit beautiful but far too young
and happy in the arms of another girl
I should have been happy too.
That part wasn't your fault.

I drink tea now. Hot and sweet,
and I could never kiss a non-smoker
because I'm far too set in my ways.
Far too callous with my dwindling days,
I don't particularly want to change either.

Recently, I could go a whole car journey
without putting on my seatbelt.
Because, really, we're all dying anyways
and that time you had told me to wear one,
like you cared if I lived or not.

Stood between a giant and a child
bruised by fists with a blue line striped
across his nose like a toothy kiss. Trying my best
to protect a city boy
from the ones I love with conflict rushing
through my mind like a plastic
drainpipe
after a storm. I imagined if it were you
being pulled by your arms
toward the road across the ground.
I'm sorry I ripped
your jacket when I dragged you off him
but I was and still am sure
that it would have been harder
to love you if you'd killed a man.

I like your stupid tattoo
and your ****** piercing
that you got with the boys
in Magaluf
the way you can't spin decks
but you keep trying anyway
your stupid, beautiful laugh

your stories
like the time you stressed out in Ibiza
or blacked out for hours at
the same gig I did
before we'd even met

I'm freaking
I'm 3AM not sleeping
I've never liked someone
that cared about me
I've never met anyone who suits me like you do

I'm desperate to run
you're gripping me by the forearm
as soon as you let go I'm gone
terrified, rabbit in headlights
I want to not be afraid
the lessons I've learnt still haunt me

How can I cast them aside
wash the slate clean
I want to believe that you want me
How can I? Help me, darling
teach me
how can I?

It's 7AM in Taipei, I haven't slept yet.
Jetlagged and jaded.
I travelled a long way to see her
strung up on a blood transfusion.
Whimpering like a poor rabbit,
the nurse reminding her
that fresh blood curdles in four hours.

I was motivated a few days ago,
but those feelings come and go.
She'll drain her osteomy bag,
I'll hold the jar but
I'm not really worth anything,
I'm not strong or smart, and look
at her wasting away to nothing.
I should be doing something.

I'm distracting myself by smoking,
dipping in and out through the hazy rings
drifting lazily above my head.
Dreaming of *****. I've never tried it,
but I bet that poppies smell sweeter
in January when it's grey.
I'm thinking of a blue eyed boy.

Maybe he thinks of me, here in Taipei,
where it's ten degrees warmer
and 7AM. It's midnight to him.
There's so much in the world to see
maybe he'd hold the insides in me.
And maybe pain cuts through my discipline,
but I do have plans, honestly.