i traveled to the city of angels,
and i didn't know what to expect.
i saw the wingless seraphs weep,
but gained so much respect.
i traveled to the city of dreams,
where the land gods were lost.
i saw the people who wanted to be found,
and those who were trying to get a cost.
i traveled to the city of angels,
and i saw heartache and pain.
i did't know what i was expecting,
but i think i'll go again.

They smell your scent in my covers, because you're here almost every night. You get off, roll up and smoke in the kitchen and I let you get off because you're hitting it right. We've been through way too much Jayy, we **** and we fight, every other day, we **** and we fight. And I let you get off because you're hitting it right. And I guess I love you because I'm young and I have no sense, and you know exactly what to say to **** me off and make me really tense. Way in love at your family reunion and I bet they can't tell that you beat my ***. And I let you slide because I love you and you're the only one I let stick it in my....You're not the only one, but you're the only one and I don't know if it upsets you because I'm supposed to be pregnant with your only son. You're not the only one...so we fight. You ain't the only one that's ******* me right. You aren't the only one paying these bills and moaning and groaning 'cause this ***** is tight. So we fight. And we fight. And we fight. Because you're the only one that loves me but I know we ain't doing this right.

They smell your scent in my covers, Jayy. And I can't get it out quite right. No matter how many times I clean my sheets. I can't seem to wash you out of my life

Too beautiful to be ashes.  

I felt jealous. I placed a flower in your casket and wept.

You had the courage to finish and they say those who do so are weak. But they don't understand how it feels to have a rope around your neck and a chair under your feet.

I admire you, but I wish you wouldn't have done it. But I understand how you needed to end your pain because it multiples the more you covet.

Your smile was a painting but I saw the pain in your eyes. And it's okay, Mona Lisa...I understand the pain you've disguised.

I know you didn't mean for us to hurt you just needed to end yours, but now  I'll always be afraid of what's behind silent doors...Mona Lisa.

No words. "Hang in there."
No words. Hanging there...

...Mona Lisa.

If I'm unlucky enough, I'll be lucky enough to see you in a little while.

Until then...smile, Mona Lisa.

Smile.

do not muse yourself with ideas that i no longer think of you
do not muse yourself with ideas that i do
the boys i kiss don't taste like you,
the boys i kiss don't feel you
the boys i kiss do not take me upstairs

i realize i spend time staring at one who mimics you
only sightly though,
only barely

do not dream that this is harder on me than you
nor that this is harder on you than me
i know i am an absence in your bed,
at your dinner table,
in the curve of your body when you lie on your side

do not worry, i am not dreaming of you
do not worry, i am dreaming of you

i do not want you,
i will want you.

november.12.2013
*1:42 P.M.

In my dreams you are always there.
Your fingers are in my mouth,
Your hand down my back,
Scratching slower and slower.
I can only hear you move and breathe and touch.
You are all I see.
Slow and slow and slow.
Your skin and your eyes and your mouth.
I don't even know how to write about all that you are.

You are so beautiful I don't know what to do.
You are so beautiful.