i took your photo
so i may later
be riffling through
old memories
and find that this
one refuses to
collect dust

i let you know
repeatedly
i don't want this hour to end
as the minutes pass us by
the clock's hands slide away
wordspushedtogether
buying time until

i realize

this can last forever
if we want it to
and i do

my hair grows long
wheat grass under
the sun

so do our conversations
meandering and young
with no intent

i feel this chapter in our story
coming to an end

you find a way
each day
to squeeze between the
cracks in my armor

and i become so warm
i melt the steel
so once we're done
i need to buy a new suit

you show me new sounds
i've never heard before
and i swear you sat down
and invented a hundred colors

i've used them to paint my walls
so your touch is inescapable
your voice never fades
and my world never stops
growing

we are drinking in the light
that filters through the trees
and i feel her tug on my shoulder
i turn to the right
meet the gaze of another man
far away

i am feeling the rush of caffeine
leaning on the counter
and i feel her behind my back
in white drapes and vines around
her shoulders as a scarf
here to give another warning

i am far away from here
moving faster than any man has
before but she is there
beside me
light as a feather but
heavy as my heart

to be the earth
as you are the cold sea
calming my breathing
taming my shores
our contact muddling the
border of sea and sky

my warmth rises but you
are there to temper it
as your storms meet my
mountains and stop
in their tracks

the force i cannot match
is how you bring life to
everything you touch
and i may only help it grow

we see best when our eyes are shut
you're too afraid to try
too scared of what you'll find
lurking beyond the paths you've
walked a million times before

nothing is written
but the items you cross off your list
turning green again
once the paper is used, once
you return it to the earth

it may regain life
as you
surrender

i am
in this situation where
nothing i can say out
loud gets close to what
i mean and everything
you say without speaking
is what i want to hear

i want to hang all your
art on my walls so
when i'm home it's
all i can ever see

to split needs intertwined
and watch them unravel
within others
lit flames in shut eyes
mouths move and
make no sound but
lay bare the speech
of the heart

to be so honest
with you that i
am desperate to
create new secrets
but i cannot come up
with anything you
don't already
know

i am lost in
these months
when the air begins to melt
the sky breaks like thunder
dry lightning storms as
a metaphor

we build bombs and
light them to appease
the clouds who cry back
and ask for more

we forget what sleep
feels like

i can't forget what
you sound like

above all the noise
i hear you

beyond the heat
i feel you

shared experiences in
moments of silence

let me
wipe those tears off your face
come and look down at me
take my hand
lead me through
the forest of things you
can't tell anyone else

remember
the grass is greener
where you water it
love is given freely
and never runs out

there is nothing you
can say that will stop
me from trusting you

it's a strange feeling
warmth
when i have become so
comfortable locked alone
with nothing but
the cold

headlights illuminate
cherry blossoms kicked up
by a late night breeze
dancing in the moonlight

a forever
competition

i glide through the dark
soundless & frictionless
free to observe
and think

i walk through old memories
lost in the blossoms
stopped only by
road signs

when the air is cold
but the sun beats brightly
i am caught in the middle
of a land war between
two perfectly balanced forces
wherein my body
is the battlefield and
my mood is the spoils

pull don't push
to reflect on the glass
several months removed
realize what you lost
and what you gained

how your ambition changed
how the light has brightened
how before you never knew
and now you're wiser

to know that water is
air to the creatures in the
sea and that this is the
act of inhaling when asleep

we see best when our eyes are closed
but you're too afraid to try it

when you coat yourself in silver
and shut your eyes
and fly too high
and breathe in rain
and tell your lies
you oxidize

your skin turns blue
and rots away,
exposing bones
bleached like snow
you've flown so low
they'll never know

so you hide away
and cry for help
and no one comes
until you've died
deep in your cave
in need of light

you strike on stone
and light a match
and burn yourself
to light the way
back out of hell
and into life

you know you can't
make everyone like you
at best you can hope
they'll tolerate you
never hate you
they're always late

i've spent so much time
thinking about this
and how it keeps failing
and whose fault it is
and how to stop it
and how to return from it
and i think i've found a
solution

to break a death spiral you
must first disengage
state intentions
be friendly
care for one another
at arm's length
love from a distance

triangle twenty
trips around the sun
chances to breathe
to start anew
remember my mistakes

when you set up in
the weeds i'll
ride the sun to
the nighttime and
say hello to my
most beautiful secrets
and introduce the ones
you'll never forget

when i'm feeling blue
i'll play in the puddles
in the road and
take my time in
the rainfall until it's
time to head to bed again

the sun will catch us off guard
burning away the temporary
cold, offering up a new
chance at being brave
in the face of that which
we don't recognize
and may never know

and then we'll leap
through triangle twenty
and ride the waves into
infinite truth and hope
everything turns out okay

we got married under wreaths of roses
wilted and wrapped in white lace
spinning in the dark
no gravity to pull us down
no force to slow us
no air end the roll

wed in false names
signed in ****** blood
sealed in false vows
caught in a trance

we lived so happily
for years on end
in a beautiful white house
with beautiful white walls
and bleached grass in the yard
and bones in the garden

the sun's in the sky but
someone sealed the moon
in the floorboards

i am not hidden
covered in newspapers
draped head to toe in red
head veiled like a fugitive

you are not hidden
you are blue, white-tipped
like a mountain in the snow
surrounded by a vast sea
with hands that can break crowds
but don't bother doing so
with a gaze that fells clouds
but it isn't worth the time

you're all alone
but for a million waves
and a thousand stones
and me

this is the worst time
folded into something better
and suddenly i'm the world
shaking from within
warmth climbing to the surface
boiling my oceans
waving to the stars
i blink to feel alone
and look up to be reminded
i am not

brought to the ground by you
by you, who is soaring
who is crashing
into black ocean waves
blind and in pain
i am here to comfort you
this is unfamiliar
i want to thank you
but i need to help you,
first

you should know
not just anyone can look over my shoulder
and leap into the mind of a stranger
years away
inches closer
and while i admire your resolve
and your self-confidence
i'm asking you to step away and
leave me in peace because when
i open the eye on the back of my head
it's not you i want to see
i'm sorry

when doubt seizes fast
and waves slide out
allowing mountains to fall
and the earth to shake
felling buildings
breaking knees
there is no buffer to
prevent the slip into
a long, dark night

when the light rises red
like the sunrise
but not from the sky
but rather from the stone
flowing orange
liquid fire
a brief reminder to
always be moving
lest you fall prey to
false hope

doubtful of my worth
days pass and i say nothing
the people on the street
they hear nothing

we've silenced ourselves
so many years but
nothing's changed

too desperate to brand ourselves,
too frantic to hide from the fear
too quick to shroud ourselves in shame

you say "god loves you"
like a threat but you are
ignorant to the fact that he
made me this way

he loves me as i am
and pray he helps me
love you the same way

you send me good morning texts
when i'm three hours into my shift

i get flashes of inspiration
from tiny little bits of song
and i repeat them
three-seconds long at most
and i know this musician
got the same rush as i do now
this desire to create
to put words to the thoughts
swirling in my head
and i like to visualize it like
the storms of saturn
a thousand colors
a million winds
each impulse lasting half an instant
just long enough to taste
just brief enough to miss

in the clouds is a charity
it moves from town to town
sometimes it sleeps
when it wakes, it rains
and when it rains, it pours

look up and see a window to heaven
stare as long as the sky is clear
realize your days are numbered
make meaning from nothing
fear death

the sun was bright that day
leaving freckles in my skin
burning brown grains of sand
stepping a little too far inland
losing sight of the sea
looking for the snake's oolong tea

theft ain't bad if you're taking
from the thief
got nothing to lose, friend,
just like you
you know how it is

oh, hello
i'd never steal from you
just wanted to look around
admire the place
you've got a pretty good setup here
no, i'm not a kiss-***, i'm being for real

scraping my knees on the rocks near
the shoreline, digging sand into my skin
the reddening streaks on my legs
remind me of the sunset
pain is nothing, i tell myself
kneeling and praying to god
for mercy upon mine soul

but this doesn't get old
face flushed with relief
my pockets full of the snake's
very aromatic oolong tea

i remember the first day out of the installation better than most. we'd been locked up there for weeks, then months, under the impression that the bombs would fall at any moment. eventually we grew cynical, if compliant, for it was easier to keep one's head on straight when questioning leadership - while still obeying them. i knew the story about the radical resistor - the people in charge will chop of the head that rises up the highest, so it's easier to lay low and work in quiet.

once we realized that leadership's main goal was to turn us against each other with profit in mind, we snapped. it wasn't easy at first, because we still had our differences and found it hard to ignore them. a few of us realized that ignoring these flaws and defects of character isn't the right way to go - we must accept them and love each other for who we are, otherwise we're just as bad as leadership. that's what enabled us to break out, and then we found a jarring absence of bombs. or any real threat at all.

when i first stepped back out into those pine forests, my brush with peace was a foreign introduction. i remember there being an impenetrable quiet, threatened only by the songs of birds and the gentle rustling of pine needles far above our heads. or the distant cries of squirrels, or the dizzying stares of innocent does and fawns. i remember falling to my knees. i remember knowing peace.

flash back to just last month
i'm sitting on your bed
you're right there but
i feel so alone
the television's playing music
and i only want quiet

you can say so much with your eyes
i tricked myself into thinking we
didn't need words but now i know
we can't keep a conversation with
anything but our hands

conquering distant lands

with you i am intoxicated and
when i miss you i miss nothing but
your voice

at no other topic does my mind
backtrack like this, correcting itself,
forcing lessons i put off for so long

that when i am chided for having boundaries
it isn't me at fault

that when i am pushed to my limits
i shouldn't be jumping off

that when i hit the waves
i shouldn't try to breathe water

there's a certain magic to looking
where the sun set just hours ago
pinning down a mountain on my map
driving there
standing atop the mountain
staring at the stars
and the city lights beyond

buffeted by high winds
cold breezes and
crisp gusts of air
skin kissed by the silvery
light of the moon

it's a journey i want
to make alone

the moon said you're gorgeous
i said yes, i agree
she told you what i couldn't
this i hope you can see

i am glowing now
my eyes are dark like
fresh-tilled soil
my skin is soft like
the leaves of jungle trees
my voice is clear like
ancient spring water

i know what it means to
be new, now
to wake and feel it in your
bones, to
rise and feel like singing

for three days i was your muse,
for three months i was the apple of your eye
and as long as the snow fell
you were on my mind

why do i still want to make you proud?
what did you see in me?
what did i see in you?
this is my mystery
because now you are lost to me

so long gone i still seek approval,
still sing your songs,
still defined by our legacy,
i've found i can't escape that of which i'm cast
we were never meant to last

rain-dappled asphalt and bones
bleached by midwinter sunlight,
the silent way in which snow met snow
the deafening way in which your breath
used to meet my skin

i need to let go
i need to
make you proud

like a god he stands
perfect in the light
bathed by the sea
birthed of the soil
made of clay and stone
he is our envy

he is our pride, they tell me
he is who you can one day be
he is who the women want
he drives the farming plow
he sails the seven seas
he picks his perfect bride
he kills the evil man

to climb olympus is to seek
judgement from the gods
and so after tempering myself
i climb olympus

i say to them,
i cannot be him
and my brother,
he cannot be him

for it is suicide to try
and become something
which does not exist

i was walking the other night
closed my eyes
saw you coming at me like a flashbulb
i saw you before i heard you
but you were so ******* loud

knocked me off my feet, you know
you did and you
broke my bones
bled my ears for every last reaction
until i had no more to give

i drifted awake the next morning
silent until noon
i couldn't trust my own voice to produce
its sounds or my ears to hear them
you had deafened me so
and blinded me so

my hands twitched to replace the cane
you'd never offered me so i could find
my way, alone and afraid
crawling back to you
stiff like a dead man
numb like a soldier
soft like a child

now, i sit still

i wish my stories could tempt
tears like yours do
but such skills in storytelling
come from the heart
inspired by fear

when i hear your voice my
tongue bites and my ears
call for silence of the brain
so i can wholly focus on what
i might then hear

i know we can't laugh and cry
like we did just weeks ago
so close i could touch it
so far but only by a measure
of the past, where an instant is the
same as a year

reason says move on, now
for once my devils are silent
for i am the only survivor
of their awful ranks
this much is clear

there's seltzer in my skull
pockmarking my bones picking
at my marrow, eating me alive
i know how to fight things on
the skin but how do i defeat the
enemy when the enemy is me?

we're caught up in illusions of dignity
i'm terribly afraid you'll see that
my blood is red instead of blue
or when my voice cracks you'll hear
how scared i am of losing you

when your teeth break my skin and
you feel my blood on your lips
i want you to know for whom it
flows so hot

on many lonely summer nights i can
feel it fading, the death of zeal, the
slow and steady mental nightfall, and
often i forget the happiness that crests
with rising sun

i love the days when the sky burns hot and
i find myself lost in your smile, our friends
filling my ears with laughter, my own chest
sore from running

night waits for no one, boy,
but neither does the day

your stories make me cry
my chest never aches like this
i wish i could get these tears to flow
i didn't know they made dams this strong

your tongue tastes like *****
i can't stop these bullets from
slipping between my lips

i crave our moments together
and i know you don't want the
things i do

i wish you did

started on their sophomore record
brave enough now to move beyond
tracing years like a spinal cord
feel your breath hitch
i found it

found snakeskin on my brow
newly shed
oddly red
wished i was dead
i'm wiser now

lonely nights
all i got on my mind is
this song and you

i found myself wandering
82nd avenue this evening
halsey singing to my brain
i think i was listening

the way the sun kissed the
horizon was on my mind

god let me seize this moment
catch it in my fingers
breathe it in and sing it out
because i'm out of it

i promised that when
the sun hit i'd be happier
but now my mind is clear
and i'm back to my senses

don't think i want to do
this anymore

the sun rose today and my
heart said we're going to the
river, going for a ride
and my mind said that sounds fine

i'd like to learn to live
slow again

we walk these streets
illuminating those we pass
seeing with our hands
and our ears

voices make faces and
i can't help but remember
how we forgot that actions
speak louder than words

naked and overconfident
we're a string of blind
lights, one bulb away
from going dark

promise you'll tell me who
burns out first

three's a crowd when
it's you and them and
i would be intruding

but not when it's you
and i and it would be
rude to leave her out

smoke to ward your feelings away
and i don't have the strength
to call you a coward
i just wish you wouldn't bake

i'm dying to tell you
that one of these days
i've got to go and take
some time with the
wind and stars above
because you're way too much

i'm sorry your heart pulls
too hard and your body can't catch up
i've got a similar problem but
i'm happier with the pain
i wish i could be numb
like you

i wish i didn't burn
like you

short like a novella
black and honest
i lean in to hear what
you have to say
today

yesterday was an eternity
a million years ago
i hope you believe my confession
i've been holding it in for
weeks now

when our lips meet
i ascend and i fear
it's not the same for you
i'm like a rubber band
snapping back to attention
each time your eyes fall on me

been through the ups and
the downs with you but
i'm afraid i'm just another
young mistake

i'm gone now so
only time can tell

how you still think of me
is beyond the moon
and all the sky's stars
but i am thankful

sitting at dinner and feeling
the warmth on my face and
seeing the love in your eyes
makes me yearn for this week
to end so we can be free again

i don't know where to begin
and you'd then say, sarcastically -
at the beginning

time is a lie but
emotions are not

defining
memories
shaping me gradually
i am a sculpture
made of stone

often i feel brittle but i
know i am strong

in four years i have
grown tremendously
become better
happier
bolder

not perfect but getting there

in the summer heat i will
grow again
turn into my better self
welcome a future full of
hope

thank you for nine months
four times
of self-inflicted horror
and i am sorry i have
not fully appreciated the gifts
you have given me

these warmer months will give
me time to ruminate