i sit
restless
i'm supposed
to be doing something pertaining to school
but i can't bring myself to cross the room
and lug over the heavy book
to read.
i have no patience
i try it but it leaves me
mocks me and runs
what am i supposed to say to my parents?
i no longer like school
because i no longer like myself.
i have lines of woes on my arms
my thighs
and my soul
now what was i supposed to be doing
oh yeah
homework.
not drowning in my thoughts.

there's an old saying
don't keep secrets
from the ones you love
it kills them.
if it kills them,
then i should see
so many tombstones
reading R.I.P.
curiosity killed me.
satisfaction, i won't give.
satisfaction won't come from my secrets.
satisfaction
relates to something happy
i am not happy
my secrets are not diary crushes
or exciting stories
they are good news.
my secrets are dark
twisted macabre fairy tails
that i give a lackadaisical
approach to writing.
if a secret does slip out
i try to recant
i don't want to see your mood
go saturnine
and your day raze down about you.
there's an old saying
don't keep secrets
from the ones you love
it kills them.
what someone doesn't know
won't **** them.

so what will happen
when the truth
reveals itself?
when, i finally had
all the courage
to tell
you.
whenever
that happens
the response you
end up giving me...
i am afraid,
i am completely petrified.

i feel like
my body
is aligning
with the stars.
and i'm just losing myself.
i need an anchor,
before i fly to outer space
to become one with the stars
and shatter.
i need something to hold on to
so why can't that
something
just be
your
hand?

tomorrow is saturday
road trip and competition
my dear i hope you treat me nicely
you often hurt me
i don't know why i don't tell you

people asked you
why
and you couldn't explain.
my dear
i want to know why too.
why she?

to me

she's sunshine and daises.

i may just be crazy

but i think i'm still destined to love.

yet my practice of said emotion,

possibly differs

from hers.

she may weave threads
but i'll try and weave words
leaving them larger
and more heavier
and when i no longer matter
my words will be left behind

how saturdays and sundays
**** me
is
how
the word
"weekend"
means two days
in which i
worry

i really want your hug right now
i don't know why
i've never had this craving
if i called you
to me

would you come?

i stumbled through
the door
of the grey area
and i feel shoved back through
and you added a lock
this time
you told me you pushed
people who care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but to not have
"permission"
to talk to you?
says the yellow exclamation mark
when i tried to say
"hello sir fancy"
broke me and instead of
reaching for the lock
i backed up, and turned my head.

i can't imagine
the tar that slops through your veins
going back to your heart
and poisoning it.

impending doom.

i can't imagine
about how you feel all the time
i have told you once,
it scares me.

i believe you
i'm not sure about others though
i said i'll be here
you can't be alone.

not with anxiety.
not alone.
i'll be here.

you saw how distressed i was
but you didn't dare try to hold me
why?
i needed you.
you're so close to everyone else
i felt terrible
it was hard to see
and light was painful.
i don't tell you this i continue pacing
my camera pumping out
blurred streams or colour
fading pictures
of a play on war.
you can't tell me
you didn't notice my distress
because there were tears in my eyes
and it wasn't just from the words of the play.
but from realizing my situation
with you.

bitterness
consumes my soul
when i see your prideful face
it's as if you have no flaws
no imperfections
no issues.
you are so ******* perfect
it wreaks havoc on my entire soul
to know that ****,
she liked you more than she liked me
and i loved her
and i am indeed over her.
but it's the fact that you
you just set me off.
it isn't fair
for me to be so bitter.
but it's how life works.

it's become apparent to me
my dear, that despite
your words:
"i didn't want to hurt you,
because you're my friend
and i know you care about me."
you know, you are hurting me.
giving me "i don't know"'s.
just tell me already
you're hurting me more
than leading me on.
and i'm starting to grasp the fact
that you may know
but for your sake i cut off
romantic ties.
but god if you would just
stop with the tentative steppings
just please tell me yes or no
don't give into the grey area
please leave it in black and white
and if it ends up splicing my heart
into a few pieces, so be it
because dwelling with the grey
is starting to hurt more.

i could of brought up prom
i could of at least mentioned it.
but with you
i seem to forget everything
and live in the present with you.
i have no worries
about anything.
i'm focused on you
and the way your mouth
forms around your words
and your smiles.
i'm focused on you
and the light reflecting in your eyes.
i'm focused on you
and you let me live in the present
without worries.

i guess it's time
i take a step back
once again
i've come to this decision
to walk away.
i'm coming to realize
that having feelings for you
only hurts.
i know you're not over her.
and i've tried. but this time
i'll try as a true friend
rather than a friend
with hidden intentions.
to you, i shouldn't change much
or at all
but to me, you'll less become
the person i want to hold
to the person i should be holding
differently, all along.

i've decided that
i need sunlight to be happy
and honey, you're a little cloudy.
the forecast calls for a little fog
and they say it might rain.
so i wait at the window.
for the weather to clear.
and hopefully
this cloudy weather
will clear from your eyes.

can i fall into my bed
and pin the negative words
to my skin,
the positive leaving through the window,
and lose myself beneath the pillows and blankets
and become number one
the Queen
in my own world.
i'll make myself my own crown
woven out of the things
that make me happiest
and let me wear it on my head
and when it starts to rain
i'll remember the crown
and i must balance.
my life is about pretending
and my crown gives off that
glow of: "i'm ok."
because a smile
and a small laugh
will make everything
look normal.
when quite honestly, i'm hurting.
i just block you all out
to save you from me
a part of me thinks
if i let you in to this darkness
i'll drag you down with me
you'll suffer
and then i'll go circle after circle
only adding regret to my list
only adding guilt
to the letter of execution.
i feel guilty when
i tell someone how i feel
because the weight of my words
of my fears, of my emotions, of my depression--
i feel it'll turn your heart to stone
sink down within your other organs
and blow a hole through your chest
a gaping hole
a constant longing
a constant sense of loss
and you won't recover.
you'll slowly drown
just as i have.
you'll learn to draw into yourself
you'll learn to be unhappy
you'll inherit the want to die.
i don't want to see your eyes lose their light.
i don't want to see the dull
the lifeless pity
the sadness.
i want to see the light
i want to see the joy
i want to see you
at your best.
i want to see
happiness
at it's finest.
and if i have to suffer
for anybody's happiness
so be it.

this morning
your head turned
and i felt my heart stop.
maybe it's because
today i felt beautiful
and i felt confident
is that why you turned your head?
or maybe it was the makeup...
i wouldn't be surprised
i haven't worn this much makeup in a long time,
it's only for today
tomorrow i'll go back
to minimal face
and long sleeves
but your head turned
for me.
just don't tell me the reason.
let me dream.

however when writing a poem for you
and i've already written many
there is not enough room.
there are parameters to my poetry
and you
like the expanding universe cannot fit easily.
my dear,
there is no word for how my heart swells.
your concentration fascinates me
and i love listening to you breathe.
but there's not enough room for you here.
words on page, cannot begin to describe you
or even, how i feel.
you, the expanding universe,
my dear,
are never ending,
a string of words, a binary code.
but i try and commit you to paper.
and i admit, it's hard.

my dear, today
you took a right turn
away from me
and shocked
i continued on my usual path
when 100% of me
wanted to turn and follow.
friday is approaching fast.