i got the best advice today.
i told them my heart was already racing.
their response:
"let it race."
i figured it out.
i need to do this.
so let it race.
let it speak.
let it show the anxiety
the nervousness
and the excitement.
when i talk to you
my dear,
tomorrow morning
i will let it show in my eyes.

you said you wouldn't hurt me
and i said i wouldn't abandon you
that'd i'd be here.
you told me i was a great person
and that you wanted me to feel safe with you.
and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?
i installed my trust in you
counted the minutes it took to download
you told me to quit apologizing
but i'm sorry.
you told me you push people that care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but you told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?

so often now
I find myself
thinking
taking time to
stop
and pause
rewind through memories
and events
and I cringe.

however
even though you said that
i can't help how i feel.
your gem herself told me:
"can't you be done?"
as if just deciding to be done with him
is simple.
that's a mother ******* lie.
you can't just choose.
you may have,
but you no longer
liked him.

you haven't read my poems.
but neither has he.
but how dare you look me in the eye
and say
"can't you be done?"
i apologize but i have absolutely
no
control
over this.
don't try to stop me.

what on earth
am i going to do with you
i hadn't intended to like you
but now i do.
and i guess
what's making me
most nervous
is the idea of telling you.
if only i could just
install courage
and look you in the eyes
and say
i like you.
but most likely
i'd go into panic
even trying to say
those words to you,
or if i did somehow manage
i'd go into panic after.
why does this have to be so difficult?
i just want to say i like you
done.
simple.
i like you.

never mind.
i just can't.
i'm to scared.
panic setting in
t minus five

today's your birthday
and we haven't talked
in a little while.
i'm not angry with you
i just need a little time.
i won't be there
tomorrow,
i'm about a couple
hours away.
so i guess this
is your present.
i'm sorry it's lame.

you started out
as the gray area.
the gray
refers to a subject or a problem
that people do not know how to deal with
because there are no clear rules.
in this case
you
were the grey area
i wasn't sure how
and i still am not sure how
to deal with you.
you just are.

and i've written more
than one poem for you.
you know, to tell you the truth
i used to count down the minutes,
the seconds for third hour to end.
so i could walk beside you.
it was a highlight of my day.

i think this period
of silence between us
is just another lock
that i have to be patient with
before i discover the way to unlocking it.
and i don't know if it's yours
or if it's mine.
maybe it's my distance
after telling you
but i'll find  a way.
i won't stray from my promise.
i'm still here for you.
i'm still ears.
i still believe in you.
i'm your friend.

you are a phenomenal person
and i'm not sure how else
to put who you are
into poems
because you're much more
than black and white
i can put down on paper
or through keys
you're the gray.

so please     remember
today's your birthday
and happy birthday.
happiness always
for you.
-M

you saw how distressed i was
but you didn't dare try to hold me
why?
i needed you.
you're so close to everyone else
i felt terrible
it was hard to see
and light was painful.
i don't tell you this i continue pacing
my camera pumping out
blurred streams or colour
fading pictures
of a play on war.
you can't tell me
you didn't notice my distress
because there were tears in my eyes
and it wasn't just from the words of the play.
but from realizing my situation
with you.

the first
and only time
i saw you cry
we were watching
our friends rehearse
for the play.
both of us had been watching
not lucky enough to be cast.
i sat next to you
and we watched monologues
be delivered.
but i looked over at you
at one point.
and you had tears in your eyes.
and i should of told you
"tears don't suit you."
and i should of
put a hand on your knee
to comfort you.

and i get left behind again
on the road to achieving happiness
but it'll last
by now you deserve peace.
you've been through so much.
so it doesn't really matter
if i'm left behind again.
i'd rather see your happiness,
than mine.

i haven't talked
to you today
and
i'm depressed.
the ideas
keep hurting me
what if you don't
notice
that i wanted to see
what would happen.
it's pathetic
i know but
do i really brighten your day?
i'm scrambled
i'm sorry
this poem makes little sense
and later i'll look back
and see my unhappiness.

as rude as it would be
i just want to laugh
i want to laugh at you
and applaud your choices.

i know it would be rude
but in the long run
i'd make me feel better
that i didn't pursue you further.

all i want to do is talk to you
and each time i respond
my heart sits on a perch
hoping you'll reply back.
and when you do
my heart jolts.
and then
the cycle
starts
over
again.

S
that new years kiss could of meant
anything.
but i felt spontaneous.
you are the embodiment of music,
dear boy
don't stray from that path
the number 4,000 suits you

K
you opened up to me completely
and we're my new friend
but lately i've sensed you closing off
i'm not sure if it's the stress of memorizing
or the fact i'm trying to be
his new gem.

M
since freshman years we've been friends
and i've done everything for you
here and there
and everywhere.
but it seems you've found new friends.
i wish you would remember me

C
my dear
i consider you the king
of the universe.
don't give me that harsh stare
i prefer it when you smile.

K
you were my first love
but i hated myself.
and i was scared.
and even though
you live a world away
you are now my best friend

if you were to cut into my skin
i would want rose petals to fall from it
because i want to be beautiful
and perfect.
if i were to cut into your skin
i would imagine i'd see gold dripping from your veins
because despite you already being beautiful
you are a perfect person.
if we were to cut into each other's skin
and watch the sky turn from blue to orange to black
the stars appearing overhead to check on us
we would look back into each other
and there would be
rose petals and gold
mixed together
and maybe
just maybe
my dear
you would make me
beautiful and perfect
too.

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
give you the lollipops on friday
apples at lunch
i give you compliments in surplus
and i'm always on your side.

now
the other

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
i wait for you after third period
and walk with you to your next class
and i compliment you
and your voice
and tell you you're handsome.

i could of brought up prom
i could of at least mentioned it.
but with you
i seem to forget everything
and live in the present with you.
i have no worries
about anything.
i'm focused on you
and the way your mouth
forms around your words
and your smiles.
i'm focused on you
and the light reflecting in your eyes.
i'm focused on you
and you let me live in the present
without worries.

there is not a angel
perched on my shoulder
what is good doesn't exist.
the fire engulfs
all that was good
good that shall be
nevermore.

can i fall into my bed
and pin the negative words
to my skin,
the positive leaving through the window,
and lose myself beneath the pillows and blankets
and become number one
the Queen
in my own world.
i'll make myself my own crown
woven out of the things
that make me happiest
and let me wear it on my head
and when it starts to rain
i'll remember the crown
and i must balance.
my life is about pretending
and my crown gives off that
glow of: "i'm ok."
because a smile
and a small laugh
will make everything
look normal.
when quite honestly, i'm hurting.
i just block you all out
to save you from me
a part of me thinks
if i let you in to this darkness
i'll drag you down with me
you'll suffer
and then i'll go circle after circle
only adding regret to my list
only adding guilt
to the letter of execution.
i feel guilty when
i tell someone how i feel
because the weight of my words
of my fears, of my emotions, of my depression--
i feel it'll turn your heart to stone
sink down within your other organs
and blow a hole through your chest
a gaping hole
a constant longing
a constant sense of loss
and you won't recover.
you'll slowly drown
just as i have.
you'll learn to draw into yourself
you'll learn to be unhappy
you'll inherit the want to die.
i don't want to see your eyes lose their light.
i don't want to see the dull
the lifeless pity
the sadness.
i want to see the light
i want to see the joy
i want to see you
at your best.
i want to see
happiness
at it's finest.
and if i have to suffer
for anybody's happiness
so be it.

be yourself
is what they say
and what if i don't want to
what if i don't even like myself
if i said that
i know you would grow quiet
so i don't
i just reply
"i try."
and don't get me wrong
i do try
but i'm also
quick to give up
because being liked
is what i want
and i'm afraid that it
will change
so i conform to you
that's most comfortable.

be myself
i try.

checking my phone
i say is unhealthy
and to not get my hopes up
i turn it to silent store it in my pocket
so if you do reply
i won't know and it'll look like
i wasn't excited to receive a message from you.

but i remain as i am
i will try to be strong
i will try to be here
and keep my promise
for you.
it all sounds simple.
but if you think about it
i'm the girl who likes you
trying to help you
with liking another girl.
oh irony.

i can't imagine
the tar that slops through your veins
going back to your heart
and poisoning it.

impending doom.

i can't imagine
about how you feel all the time
i have told you once,
it scares me.

i believe you
i'm not sure about others though
i said i'll be here
you can't be alone.

not with anxiety.
not alone.
i'll be here.

another school night
i spend awake until twelve
because my body
has nothing better to do
than prepare to be miserable tomorrow.
sleep is my goal
but it seems
it's unattainable.

if the way
weekends **** me
are two days
in which i worry.
i can't imagine summer.
and even now
i don't see you at all really
not until afters school.
and even then,
time is limited.
i no longer get to
bring you an apple
at lunch,
place it on the table beside you
my arm brushing past yours
or perhaps my hand
squeezing your shoulder.
i guess in my dreams
i'll still be bringing you apples
in lunch period four.

i'm going to try to go to bed now.
i'm left in the moment
of staring at the ceiling again.
trying to sleep
but the thought of you,
my dear,
continues on
like the snow storm outside
relentless and heavy.
i can't remove you
from my thoughts.
it's simply not
going to be done.
so be it.
i'll go to sleep
thinking of you
and hopefully
i'll dream you too.

sometimes i think
that my compliments
go to people i want to impress
or make them like me
because i don't want to be not liked
and the problem of that matter is
i tell you readers this
is that more than often
i've felt
not welcome.

yesterday i took four alieve
today i took four more
tomorrow i could try six
because it's starting to get hard to see
my head hurts
and it may be your fault
but i forgive you.
it'll pass soon
hopefully

if i go through the door
to the grey area
my dear
my wonderwall
my fire prince
the one with gold blood
if world war three
does break out
will you be on my side?
i feel the answer is no.
will i tell you how i feel?
if, and will you
will i
my dear
for now i don't know.

i hate movies
and i hate books.
because by the end
i've changed
and it may just be
because it's two in the morning
and i am beyond exhaustion
where loneliness is starting to consume me.
and i'm upset, and i'm lost
but by the end
i've changed
or i'm left seeking
wanting more of the story
that wasn't real to begin with.
and it kills me inside.
stories of love
hardship
where characters fight
through thick and thin
to get where they are
to choose who they want to be
to have a mother lose a husband
and have to raise to children
that hardship
that love
that fight.
and in the end it ends
it ends happily.
and happy endings
i'm not complaining about.
but there's a part of me
that doesn't know what to do
with myself
once it's over.
and i'm lost.
i don't understand.

i must look stupid
just smiling at you
in replies,
or to make some
reaction to what you said
i know i must look stupid.
i feel it.
what else do i say?
i want to win you over
have my name
engraved
on a golden cup
held under your heart.

i haven't talked to you
at all i guess
and i chose to walk away
and no longer wait
maybe it was the air
of which you wouldn't look at me
or the condescending tone when you spoke French
but i walked away
and i've chosen not to call upon you
ask you how you were.
and i promised,
so there's this little part
eating away at me.
but i don't know
i shouldn't worry about it.
i should just take a deep breath.

it may be the fact
that valentines day is friday.
or maybe it's because everyone seems
so happy.
i'm not content, i'm not good
i'm stuck.
maybe i'm in a low period.
someone's painting me blue.
maybe i'm in a low period.
someone change the hue.
i'm begging you.
i'm tired.
i'm sick.
of this loneliness.
they say time heals
they say time makes changes
but i'm waiting for the artist
to see the art form of my distress
and change it
no more blues.
no more cold hues.

normally i would sit
and urge the clock
to do it's job right
and speed up
but today time doesn't matter
i'm not mad at the long wait of
fifteen minutes
ten minutes
or sixty seconds
because it doesn't matter.
you won't be here
and i'll walk the halls alone.
and then arriving at your class first,
i'll take your hand and call
goodbye.
leaving with a stomach
indeed filled with butterflies
but for today
time doesn't matter
because you won't be here.

i try to be patient
i try to be humble
but as the days continue passing
i find myself with a strong will
to stare out the window.
the snow is starting to melt
leaving blue sky
and grass to be greened.
i just continue to sit within
closed classrooms
brick walls
and trick windows,
all of which keep me
inside.