i'm angry
and i have no reason why
and being angry without a reason
is like grabbing a hot coal to throw
but burning myself.
and under the anger
i think there is pain.
this anger
has no explainable
cause
although
i feel it has
something do due
with loneliness.
as i said i think under
this anger
there is pain hidden away.

you saw how distressed i was
but you didn't dare try to hold me
why?
i needed you.
you're so close to everyone else
i felt terrible
it was hard to see
and light was painful.
i don't tell you this i continue pacing
my camera pumping out
blurred streams or colour
fading pictures
of a play on war.
you can't tell me
you didn't notice my distress
because there were tears in my eyes
and it wasn't just from the words of the play.
but from realizing my situation
with you.

i haven't talked
to you today
and
i'm depressed.
the ideas
keep hurting me
what if you don't
notice
that i wanted to see
what would happen.
it's pathetic
i know but
do i really brighten your day?
i'm scrambled
i'm sorry
this poem makes little sense
and later i'll look back
and see my unhappiness.

you said you wouldn't hurt me
and i said i wouldn't abandon you
that'd i'd be here.
you told me i was a great person
and that you wanted me to feel safe with you.
and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?
i installed my trust in you
counted the minutes it took to download
you told me to quit apologizing
but i'm sorry.
you told me you push people that care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but you told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?

if you were to cut into my skin
i would want rose petals to fall from it
because i want to be beautiful
and perfect.
if i were to cut into your skin
i would imagine i'd see gold dripping from your veins
because despite you already being beautiful
you are a perfect person.
if we were to cut into each other's skin
and watch the sky turn from blue to orange to black
the stars appearing overhead to check on us
we would look back into each other
and there would be
rose petals and gold
mixed together
and maybe
just maybe
my dear
you would make me
beautiful and perfect
too.

what on earth
am i going to do with you
i hadn't intended to like you
but now i do.
and i guess
what's making me
most nervous
is the idea of telling you.
if only i could just
install courage
and look you in the eyes
and say
i like you.
but most likely
i'd go into panic
even trying to say
those words to you,
or if i did somehow manage
i'd go into panic after.
why does this have to be so difficult?
i just want to say i like you
done.
simple.
i like you.

never mind.
i just can't.
i'm to scared.
panic setting in
t minus five

as rude as it would be
i just want to laugh
i want to laugh at you
and applaud your choices.

i know it would be rude
but in the long run
i'd make me feel better
that i didn't pursue you further.

all i want to do is talk to you
and each time i respond
my heart sits on a perch
hoping you'll reply back.
and when you do
my heart jolts.
and then
the cycle
starts
over
again.

S
that new years kiss could of meant
anything.
but i felt spontaneous.
you are the embodiment of music,
dear boy
don't stray from that path
the number 4,000 suits you

K
you opened up to me completely
and we're my new friend
but lately i've sensed you closing off
i'm not sure if it's the stress of memorizing
or the fact i'm trying to be
his new gem.

M
since freshman years we've been friends
and i've done everything for you
here and there
and everywhere.
but it seems you've found new friends.
i wish you would remember me

C
my dear
i consider you the king
of the universe.
don't give me that harsh stare
i prefer it when you smile.

K
you were my first love
but i hated myself.
and i was scared.
and even though
you live a world away
you are now my best friend

can i fall into my bed
and pin the negative words
to my skin,
the positive leaving through the window,
and lose myself beneath the pillows and blankets
and become number one
the Queen
in my own world.
i'll make myself my own crown
woven out of the things
that make me happiest
and let me wear it on my head
and when it starts to rain
i'll remember the crown
and i must balance.
my life is about pretending
and my crown gives off that
glow of: "i'm ok."
because a smile
and a small laugh
will make everything
look normal.
when quite honestly, i'm hurting.
i just block you all out
to save you from me
a part of me thinks
if i let you in to this darkness
i'll drag you down with me
you'll suffer
and then i'll go circle after circle
only adding regret to my list
only adding guilt
to the letter of execution.
i feel guilty when
i tell someone how i feel
because the weight of my words
of my fears, of my emotions, of my depression--
i feel it'll turn your heart to stone
sink down within your other organs
and blow a hole through your chest
a gaping hole
a constant longing
a constant sense of loss
and you won't recover.
you'll slowly drown
just as i have.
you'll learn to draw into yourself
you'll learn to be unhappy
you'll inherit the want to die.
i don't want to see your eyes lose their light.
i don't want to see the dull
the lifeless pity
the sadness.
i want to see the light
i want to see the joy
i want to see you
at your best.
i want to see
happiness
at it's finest.
and if i have to suffer
for anybody's happiness
so be it.

there is not a angel
perched on my shoulder
what is good doesn't exist.
the fire engulfs
all that was good
good that shall be
nevermore.

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
give you the lollipops on friday
apples at lunch
i give you compliments in surplus
and i'm always on your side.

now
the other

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
i wait for you after third period
and walk with you to your next class
and i compliment you
and your voice
and tell you you're handsome.

i could of brought up prom
i could of at least mentioned it.
but with you
i seem to forget everything
and live in the present with you.
i have no worries
about anything.
i'm focused on you
and the way your mouth
forms around your words
and your smiles.
i'm focused on you
and the light reflecting in your eyes.
i'm focused on you
and you let me live in the present
without worries.

no.

|m.s.

checking my phone
i say is unhealthy
and to not get my hopes up
i turn it to silent store it in my pocket
so if you do reply
i won't know and it'll look like
i wasn't excited to receive a message from you.

but i remain as i am
i will try to be strong
i will try to be here
and keep my promise
for you.
it all sounds simple.
but if you think about it
i'm the girl who likes you
trying to help you
with liking another girl.
oh irony.

and i get left behind again
on the road to achieving happiness
but it'll last
by now you deserve peace.
you've been through so much.
so it doesn't really matter
if i'm left behind again.
i'd rather see your happiness,
than mine.

another school night
i spend awake until twelve
because my body
has nothing better to do
than prepare to be miserable tomorrow.
sleep is my goal
but it seems
it's unattainable.

sometimes i think
that my compliments
go to people i want to impress
or make them like me
because i don't want to be not liked
and the problem of that matter is
i tell you readers this
is that more than often
i've felt
not welcome.

it may be the fact
that valentines day is friday.
or maybe it's because everyone seems
so happy.
i'm not content, i'm not good
i'm stuck.
maybe i'm in a low period.
someone's painting me blue.
maybe i'm in a low period.
someone change the hue.
i'm begging you.
i'm tired.
i'm sick.
of this loneliness.
they say time heals
they say time makes changes
but i'm waiting for the artist
to see the art form of my distress
and change it
no more blues.
no more cold hues.

if the way
weekends **** me
are two days
in which i worry.
i can't imagine summer.
and even now
i don't see you at all really
not until afters school.
and even then,
time is limited.
i no longer get to
bring you an apple
at lunch,
place it on the table beside you
my arm brushing past yours
or perhaps my hand
squeezing your shoulder.
i guess in my dreams
i'll still be bringing you apples
in lunch period four.

i'm going to try to go to bed now.
i'm left in the moment
of staring at the ceiling again.
trying to sleep
but the thought of you,
my dear,
continues on
like the snow storm outside
relentless and heavy.
i can't remove you
from my thoughts.
it's simply not
going to be done.
so be it.
i'll go to sleep
thinking of you
and hopefully
i'll dream you too.

i hate movies
and i hate books.
because by the end
i've changed
and it may just be
because it's two in the morning
and i am beyond exhaustion
where loneliness is starting to consume me.
and i'm upset, and i'm lost
but by the end
i've changed
or i'm left seeking
wanting more of the story
that wasn't real to begin with.
and it kills me inside.
stories of love
hardship
where characters fight
through thick and thin
to get where they are
to choose who they want to be
to have a mother lose a husband
and have to raise to children
that hardship
that love
that fight.
and in the end it ends
it ends happily.
and happy endings
i'm not complaining about.
but there's a part of me
that doesn't know what to do
with myself
once it's over.
and i'm lost.
i don't understand.

it's been a long time
since this nervous feeling
that coiled about my stomach
in excitement.
my head stretches to the sky,
now in the clouds
but my stomach remains earthbound
a field of flowers
butterflies fluttering.
i can't wait to see you.

and you would never believe
the way i look at you
my dear, i wish you knew
how my eyes and heart soften
and how my heart
threatens to melt
whenever you smile.
even if it's not for me.
i like seeing you genuinely happy
than the hard stare i usually gain.
so i keep fighting to make you smile.

i can't imagine
the tar that slops through your veins
going back to your heart
and poisoning it.

impending doom.

i can't imagine
about how you feel all the time
i have told you once,
it scares me.

i believe you
i'm not sure about others though
i said i'll be here
you can't be alone.

not with anxiety.
not alone.
i'll be here.

normally i would sit
and urge the clock
to do it's job right
and speed up
but today time doesn't matter
i'm not mad at the long wait of
fifteen minutes
ten minutes
or sixty seconds
because it doesn't matter.
you won't be here
and i'll walk the halls alone.
and then arriving at your class first,
i'll take your hand and call
goodbye.
leaving with a stomach
indeed filled with butterflies
but for today
time doesn't matter
because you won't be here.

you pulled me in your arms
and i wanted to melt
but i threw up guards
thick sheets of ice
quickly i wanted to
remove you from me.
quickly before i cry.
i don't want to cry
not at school and not with you
i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine
cliché as if stuck on repeat
or as if to sway myself
into believing.
so i turn away
and walk away
ice coating
my retreating back.

i haven't talked to you
at all i guess
and i chose to walk away
and no longer wait
maybe it was the air
of which you wouldn't look at me
or the condescending tone when you spoke French
but i walked away
and i've chosen not to call upon you
ask you how you were.
and i promised,
so there's this little part
eating away at me.
but i don't know
i shouldn't worry about it.
i should just take a deep breath.

you don't remember
but i do.
i tried to pick something up that fell
and you
threw me
away.
it wasn't my job,
is what you said.
oh i remember.
i had already had a bad day
a bad week.
and you
threw me.
i left.
it was cold, and had been snowing off and on
and i walked outside ready to leave.
i broke down.
and i cried.
you don't remember
but i do.
maybe
you don't even know.

i sit
restless
i'm supposed
to be doing something pertaining to school
but i can't bring myself to cross the room
and lug over the heavy book
to read.
i have no patience
i try it but it leaves me
mocks me and runs
what am i supposed to say to my parents?
i no longer like school
because i no longer like myself.
i have lines of woes on my arms
my thighs
and my soul
now what was i supposed to be doing
oh yeah
homework.
not drowning in my thoughts.

i try to be patient
i try to be humble
but as the days continue passing
i find myself with a strong will
to stare out the window.
the snow is starting to melt
leaving blue sky
and grass to be greened.
i just continue to sit within
closed classrooms
brick walls
and trick windows,
all of which keep me
inside.

speaking of bruises
my dear
when you remembered
you had given me a few
you ducked your head
as if embarrassed
or ashamed.
and i told you it was okay
because it is okay.
i don't mind
our sword fighting
having strength tests.
my dear, i don't mind
if i did
i would of been mad
or walked away crying.
as i have done before.

yesterday i took four alieve
today i took four more
tomorrow i could try six
because it's starting to get hard to see
my head hurts
and it may be your fault
but i forgive you.
it'll pass soon
hopefully