i'm come to a conclusion
after staying up late
for so many days.
i've decided
at two, and three, and four
in the morning
that i love you
more than i'll ever love myself.

|m.s.

i found a letter from
two years ago
that i wrote to someone
expressing my feelings for him.
i never gave it to him.
it's been two years
since we've talked
face to face.
there was a time
he visited me at my work
and we were both
so shaky,
our thoughts flustered.
i wonder what would
of happened
two years ago
if i gave him that
letter.
"I like you. I believe I have for a while now and I didn't know until we were leaving."

|m.s.

it's 3 o'clock
and i'm up staring
at the screen of my computer
trying to put some
kind of thought together
some kind of string of words.
god, it's already july.
i've survived a month
but i'm not sure how much longer.
if you do call i'm going to end up crying
babbling out i miss you,
and then you're never going to want me.
because how does someone describe the sound
of tears hitting the comforter
of a quiet night--alone.
there's not a perfect way
of describing loneliness,
of how the weighing down
of your soul feels.
there's no easy way
to describe feelings
for someone.

there's no way.
and it may just be the fact
that i'm not old yet.
and i don't know what love is.
but if i didn't
why on this small world
would i feel like my heart
is being wrenched from my chest
and provided on some silver platter
to a god who's supposed to help you fall in love
his arrows work backwards.
if anything--they work in lines.
or perhaps they don't work at all,
and all of this is just some ruse.
because love is more than a battlefield.
it'll destroy you from the inside out
and you'll be left
leaking the brokenhearted.
leaving craters,
and a gaping hole
where the heart should of been
before it made desertion.


|m.s.

your eyes were green.
i started to notice
around the time i realized
i would be sitting next to you
for a long time.
when i shared this information,
you disregarded me,
with a glance in another direction
and told me they weren't.
but how would you know?
when i was the one
who saw them on a daily basis--
searching between them.
you told me they weren't green.
that they were brown.
after brief arguing
i met with you in the middle
made a compromise
and smiled.
they were a brown green then.
yet you still gave me one of your looks,
and the frown.

i noticed you didn't like talking about yourself.
well neither do i.
but they definitely weren't brown.
because i have brown eyes
and they're not like yours.

whenever i am around you
i am mostly happy.
green is a colour that is said to alleviate depression.
that offers harmony.
and i didn't see brown.
i saw green.

and your eyes were green.
and i started to notice
around the time i realized
i was falling in love with you.
but i saw much more
than just a colour.
they were much more
than just brown.

|m.s.

someone send help
because i'm madly in love
and he doesn't know
and i know
i won't ever tell him.
and once upon a time
we danced, and i fell
into his arms, and into him
just a little bit more,
someone send help
because i'm madly in love
and it hurts me he'll never know.

|m.s.

darling i need you
only minutes ago
i made another wish
on 11:11 to see you.
you haven't called.
two more months
may easily **** me.

|m.s.

to be completely honest
i don't think anybody
will ever marry me.
i'm a fully loaded package
with a lot of baggage,
to be completely honest
i don't think people will
ever sign up for me.

|m.s.

certain things are triggers
that turn to about you
that set my mind back to restart.
i have to have a couple of seconds
to reboot or else, i may ruin.
i freeze,
cognitive
functions
cannot go
any faster.
maybe you're a virus and
by a constantof you
you've somehow effected me.
or maybe you're not a virus at all.
maybe you're just the part that's missing,
making me
malfunction.

|m.s.

i've come
to this conclusion
that the universe
is against me
and i must be
a dying star.


|m.s.

i guess this
is what it comes down to
cowering in my bathroom.
trying to decide whether to get
lost between the margins of words in a book
or the pills in the cabinet.
i guess this
is what it comes down to
whether or not to count the times
in which i've wanted to disappear
times in which you're angry,
times in which i seem to always be
the source to this anger.
and you say it's not the *****.

and i fall back
into the descent of madness
and the reminder in which
it will never,
be better.
houston,
we have a problem.
i'm going down.

|m.s.

i was cold
i wish
you would of given
me
your jacket
however it was on
someone else's knees.

|m.s.

it pains me
to see the way
you held her.
like going back in time
to what you once were.
and I felt broken,
watching;
because it pains me.
you hold her in your heart
the way I hold you.
but in the end,
she got to actually hold you.

|m.s.

i can see the discomfort
within their eyes
and in their body posture.
hands wringing around
news reports
about a girl
who killed herself
last thursday.
they both have
a hard time looking
at the camera
and i've come to realize
dying doesn't make you a hero.
dying doesn't make you anything.
dying, means your dead.
your body has become
the baggage claim of the earth
after your flight of life.
and your soul
everything you thought
aspired to be, hoped for
and cried for.
is nothing.
we can only be ourselves
to the fullest extent
because each human mind is rare.
about to go exitinct
in say---eighty years?
dying doesn't make us anything.
---in some minds,
dying is just the release
into nothing.
and i guess that was what
she was after.
nothing.
because there is no pain
in the darkness.
there's just an absence of light.

|m.s.

god
you undid
everything
i took a week
to do.
you tore it down
with a simple
"good morning."
i hadn't looked
at who walked
and sat on the steps.
actually, i didn't even know
it was you.
the silence
i had declared
with a quiet cry
alone at midnight,
had gone on a week.
i refused to start
conversation
or really even
acknowledge you.
however my eyes
still wandered
and i caught yours
once or twice.
but my words were
held in my mouth;
forced down,
and swallowed whole.
but this morning
i even flinched
at hearing your voice.
a simple
"good morning."
it tore down a week of
silence barriers
supposed to carry on
and walls I tried
to build up
around my heart.

|m.s.

i was asked why
i saved all
the orange m&ms;
until the end
when the truth is
they really don't taste
any different.
their coloured shells
only effect
the memories
of Fridays in september.

|m.s.

favourite classes are slowly
becoming least favourites
as in answering questions
becomes an action
in which laughter follows.
so i'll make retreat to myself.
find my eyes wandering from notes
to windows
my hands from pencils furiously writing
to in place under my chin, or folded together.
and my mind in a place
of no worries
hopes or aspirations
no questions
to be laughed at for answering.

|m.s.

i want a hug
only from you.
because i lose everything
but your scent
and your touch
and my heart
pounding
against the confines
i've built for it.

|m.s.

i still want you
to call me
that nickname
you made for me.
and bound over
like you
discovered
the world.
i don't want
fleeting glances
and silence
but it's probably
best for me.

|m.s.

your name still
lights the spark
to the roaring fire
that i'm trying
to extinguish.

|m.s.

in several circumstances
i've wanted to put down
how i feel about you
but i'd always come up short
in small utterances,

in the moments near 2 a.m.
and my tears
i find myself empty
there's no poetry left for you here.

|m.s.

when your words met me
i didn't want to breathe
and when i failed to hold still
cradling the broken pieces
of myself and my high opinion of you
i collapsed within myself
my heart finally
becoming a
exploding star.

|m.s.

i cling
to positivity
so why do i
continue to cling
to the idea of you?
i'm only prolonging
my misery
and part of me thought
a short week ago
that summer would **** me
because i wouldn't see you
but now i pray for summer to come
so i can be on my way
with a mind steering clear of you.
my dear,
you don't really
understand
the words you spoke
gave my heart back to me.
and i shook
and tried to keep the
pieces together
and when i failed
to even hold still
i fled from you.
i guess girls
cry in bathroom stalls
alone after all.

|m.s.

you know
at one point
i had
changed
my travel routes,
created detours
to my classes
to see you.
and that meant
risking being late.
but even now
i still continue
to travel on my
created detours.
it hurts me to see you
but i still walk past you.
eyes cast downward,
and hooded eyes.

|m.s.

there's a guy on the radio
that introduces himself every morning
while i'm on my way to school.
he has the same name as you do
and when he introduces himself
he says it slowly
surely to catch me off guard
and to mock me.

|m.s.

the weight
of the universe
set itself
upon me
last night.
on my best
crushed my
heart
and I was
suffocated
by the words
you gave me
from the
mouth I've
longed to kiss.
|m.s.

i have a hard tile communicating
that i like to take pictures
but pictures
are the proof of my happiness
when i'm up at two in the morning
and my room a black square
my windows portals
to unknown lands
to revisit memories.

|m.s.

you know
you really are quite lovely
with your brown-green eyes
and fleeting smiles.
how is it that
in passing you in the hallway
and the absence of that smile
can make me feel
more than upset
and even responsible?


|m.s.

my dear
i am at a loss
around you.
it seems that
you make the poles
switch.
turning my life
upside down.
i never thought
that seeing your face
would send me for
a race,
and ending up
with a hand
over my heart.
my dear,
i am at a
complete loss.

|m.s.

i thought of
purchasing
a dream catcher
but the truth is
i'm not sure if I want
my dreams of you
captured.
so i'll deal with
the nightmares.
|m.s.

i had been
musing to myself
my mind finding
it's way to
                                    you
once again,
you know,
     sometimes i
think i'm pretty lucky
sometimes, things
just happen my way
and suddenly
                              you were
before me.

|m.s.

you know as children
we were taught how to ask
basic questions
like: who, what, where, why, when, and how.
and it's come to my attention
that these questions aren't the easiest
nor are they completely possible to answer.
when the question that arises
is who?
i know how to answer that one.
because who is you.
when the question that arises
is what?
i know how to answer that one too.
because what is love?
i think what i want to say is
that i like you.
as for where
i have to go back to september
thinking of the first day.
we were in a classroom setting
you sat to my right.
my right side faced you,
your front faced me.
i always had to look
semi over my shoulder
to look at you
and to be honest
that was quite often.
i enjoyed the time we spent together
and i mourned when the time
became too short
and the class ended.
the next trimester
we no longer had classes together
but i got to spend a lot of time
with you in january.
and as time continues passing
i continue to fall more
and i get to dig a deeper grave
at every frown
and at every smile,
at every swat
and every hug.
and i guess that's not too much of a problem
being in love with someone,
it only hurts a little bit.
where it started,
was english.
when the question that arises is why?
i'm taken aback at the question
because why is such a hard
question for me to answer.
i don't exactly know why
i fell for you,
why i like you.
but very easily i fell for you
in a matter of weeks, months,
in a matter of one trimester.
i knew at the end
that i had fallen.
i guess i took to stumbling very early on,
and eventually i fell completely.
there are certain wonders to the world
that can never be explained,
and i consider falling in love
one of those certain wonders.
because there is no explanation
to why it happens that way.
despite the scientific fact
of items falling at the same speed
no matter what it be.
it's not happening that way
i may be falling
or have already fallen
but you still seem far away
from perching on that stoop to fall,
so i count in the surface area
around your heart
affecting your fall
you're still floating backwards
from the last time you fell
and you crashed and burned.
i understand.
but when i fell for you
there is no math equation
scientific fact
that explains
exactly why
a person falls.
i can pin point
when.
when was the beginning of this year
back in september.
i can pin point
where.
in english.
you sat beside me
i can pin point
what.
loving you.
i can pin point
who.
you.
but i come back
to why and how
and i am unable to explain
myself to anybody who asks.
i just know, without a doubt
that i do.
those questions aren't the easiest
nor are they always completely possible to answer
so when the subject is you,
why and how
aren't possible to answer.
it's just knowing.

|m.s.

and if love isn't the reason
for staying out in the rain.
and if love isn't the treason
for running after that train.
then i don't think you know
what love truly is.
until suddenly in a short while
you find yourself staying up
until the early hours awake
thinking about someone
counting all the makeshift stars
on your ceiling ,
trying to remember life
without that person,
and trying to forget the hole
in your heart
without that person.

|m.s.

in the middle of my eighth grade year
by unfortunates there was the new girl.
her name was simple.
simple could be the word to describe her.
however simple meaning anything but plain.
she was thin, tall
a wisp of a girl
with short blond hair,
and bright blue eyes.
she was kind.
the popular ate her up right away,
changed her,
put her through trials versus herself
made her into one of their own
a shell of a former simple girl
where simple used to be the word to describe her,
however simple meaning anything but plain.
with a former simple name
who still is thin, and tall
a wisp of a girl
who was kind
who still has short blond hair
but empty blue eyes.

|m.s.

i've wasted the effort
of trying to be your friend.
i'm over you,
i know that sounds lame
but you've grown like rust on my heart
no longer making it work,
i'm over you.
so i'll grind myself back down
to hellos and how are yous
i'll be kind of a friend,
but no one you would want to talk to
all the time,
like we almost did.

|m.s.

you're the person i look for in crowds,
you're the person i want to see in the morning
the person i want to see in the afternoon.
and that doesn't always happen
i don't always see you
and sometimes you're mean
and it breaks my heart
i've told you once i've given up on you.
but i seem to go back,
foolish, i realise but you draw me back in.
i have my days
where i'm nothing but my body
working through the regular motions.
and you tell me to cheer up
usually some form of contact
a hug, or a shoulder tap
and i tell you no.
no i won't cheer up.
because you're usually
the one who's put me down
in the first place
then you cheer me up,
and i don't think you realize that at all.
that you're the sources for both
my happiness and my depression.
by the next day i'm happy again
and the next day we're distant again.
and i continue to go through the motions of mood
where you make me happy
but our lack of contact puts me back
or your kindness has gone
and telling me to cheer up.

|m.s.

and when i've lied down
and made myself blind to the world
i need you to come to me
and give whispers
of how beautiful the world is.
you need to remind me.
you need to remind me
before i lie down
and lose myself.

|m.s.