Hey Eddie,
       where are you tonight? I'm outside and my body aches. My feet are frozen too. Do you hate my cigarettes? I'm sorry I'm weak sometimes but I think you understand. I still haven't felt you, maybe once on the hill, but I live in Long Beach now. Not close to the hill or your home or our streets. Crazy huh? It's a long way from where I thought we'd end up. Do you remember how much you liked sushi? I had some today. It tasted like the river and the rope swing. I wonder if you would recognize me. I'm a mess Ed, a mess. I'm posting this on some website in hopes that it finds its way to you. I'll write it down too, then burn it over a mountain so the ashes might meet with yours. I don't know. I'm tired, so tired. Hey Eddie, where are you tonight?

IM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY THIS LETTER IS IN CAPITAL FONT, BUT MAYBE THIS WILL CREATE A CLEAR MESSAGE IN YOUR MIND.

I LOVE YOU.

DONT TELL ME YOU DONT LOVE ME BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DO. I HAVE REALIZED THAT LATELY MY POEMS HAVE BEEN FULL OF ANGST AND FULL OF SELF PITY. I AM SO SORRY. I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE OR SELF-CONCEITED. I JUST WANTED TO FEEL EVERY INCH OF YOU AND FADE INTO YOUR BONES. I AM SO SELFISH FOR WANTING YOU TO BE MINE, AND I AM SO SORRY. I EXPECT TOO MUCH BECAUSE YOU MADE MY EXPECTATIONS SO ******* HIGH AND I DONT WANNA CHANGE THIS. I DONT WANNA CHANGE US BECAUSE IF WE CHANGE, YOU WILL REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU CAN DO THAN ME.
PLEASE LET ME IN. WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR BED WITH THE COVERS OVER YOUR HEAD CRYING I WANTED SO BADLY TO DRIVE TO YOU AND KISS YOU SO HARD. I WANTED TO LEAVE MY LIPSTICK STAINS ON YOUR SKIN AND LEAVE MY SCENT ON YOUR SHEETS. I WANTED TO PULL THE BLANKETS BACK AND CRAWL IN BED NEXT TO YOU AND PLACE MY HAND ON YOUR FACE, AND STARE INTO YOUR EYES, HOPING MY EYES WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. I SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET JUST RANTING TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANT YOU, AND IM SORRY I WAS CRYING AND STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS AND IM SORRY I WANTED THE CAR TO RUN ME OVER BUT MY FRIEND MADE ME MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. I DONT EVEN KNOW IF YOU HEARD ME SAY "THE CAR CAN RUN ME OVER I DONT ******* CARE".
BUT BABY I DO CARE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO DIE WHEN YOU ARE OVER THERE ON YOUR BED HAVING A BREAK DOWN. I WANT TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY AND HEAR YOUR VOICE. WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU HEARD ME CHOKE BACK MY TEARS? WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN I TOLD KENZ I WAS CRYING? WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU HEARD ME TALK FOR THE FIRST TIME? WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU?*

//
{m.j.}

11/2/14

1) i am stuck reading all of this **** about getting better and waking up to a new change but I can’t ******* change when I have etched tally marks into my skin. I can’t change when my eyes are red and puffy from crying all day and night of yesterday and I can’t change when the one thing I want the ******* most is 154 miles away and claiming to not give up on me. Hey baby, I bet she tasted just like me, huh? Because if you even loved me for one ******* minute you wouldn’t have shoved your tongue down her throat and called her “baby” in the same monotonic voice you say to me.

2) i know you loved every second you spent with her, telling your boys about her, posting **** about her, making her feel special, telling the world about her, instead of me, right? I know you. I know you like the back of my ******* hand. You burned me to the ******* ground but I still look at you like you did nothing wrong.

3) i told you not to give up on me, and you said “I know not to”. Like what the **** is that supposed to mean? You know not to give up? Why? Because I’ll break down? Because I won’t be able to trust anyone anymore? That I will get bad again? Because I will never get over you? Because you know the thought of you at night will eat me alive and **** me? Because you know how much I ******* love you, so you feel as though you have the right to leave me? Because she kisses you harder and you like that? Instead of heartfelt fingertips tracing concentric circles on your spinal cord? You know not to give up, so you will continue to let my heart bleed out bursts of “I love you’s” and snippets of poems here and there? Because you want to see me destroy myself, so you don’t take the blame?

4) i can only feel the throbbing pain of the cuts on my left wrist. I can’t feel you anymore. I forgot the taste of your mouth and the touch of your skin but I know I remember it in the back of my mind I just have it find it.

5) i once told you “please don’t be in love with someone else” and you blatantly told me you weren’t in love with anyone but me. This was a week ago. Literally ten ******* minutes ago I asked you if you were still in love with me, like you were before all this **** went down, and you said yes. If you were even the slightest bit in love with me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me. I still want to hear your side of the story.

6) i am in love with you.*


//
{m.j.}