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is it too late to let you know
that i̩ͪ̈ͩͪ̋̈ ̥͔̲̩͓̾̓͑ͭ̊̍ͮl̮̼͉̙̙ͬ̅o̱̫͓̝̣͈ͣ͑ͦͅv̋̿̎̾̀e͎̲̳̞͂ͨ̂͂ ̣̲͎̩̪̖ͪͤ̒y͕o̝̩̟u̠̗̪͖̼ͯ͌͌͑͛ͪ
and to tell you how much i care?
you've said all these nice things
to me  and i was too weak
and you were far to stubborn.
every time i told you n͓̭̥̙͙ͨ̄ͯ̍o͓͒ͫ̊̽
you'd come back and say it again
and again a͍͎̠͎̖͑ͫ̃̐̓ṇ̯̳̼̪d̬̣̪͐̔̆ͯ̓ ͈̮̙̬̔͋ͧͥ̏a̙͈͈̤͍͓ͥ̊ͮ̀g̩͕̼̦ͨͩ̈̐ͣͅa̙̱͉͉i̖͖̱̫͋n̝͍̤̦͛͌̊̾ ̰̫͉̻̼̙̀̋͆ͫ̇ͣ
but this is what kills me every time-
you were leaving when i realized
i have ḽ̖̲̥̙̻o͎͕͈͓͐ͧ͌̌ͦͤͅc̰̰̬̼͈͈̣̄͑̃̎̃ͩk̺͑͐ͯ̀͗̓ed̰̞̲̖̞̹̯̐̉́̓̓ your words in my ribcage,
stowed away for safe keeping
and i never had the chance to tell you
that i saved every word you've said
now all the regret that builds inside of me
pours out like s̼̗̠̩͛̆ͦ̌ͤ̍͂̆p̺͙͎̗iͤͫ͋̃̏̉l̦ͮl͉̪ͦ͒ͪͩ̇̾ė̮̹̰̥ͦ͐̉̅͂ͣd͙̲̫͎̯̦ͭ̑̒͛̓̾̊ ̟̎̅̊i͓̜͋̓̏̑n͇̰̟̲̦͉̜ͨ̓̍̎k̖̻͖͈̟̫ͅ ̜ͧ̔ͨ̅̽o̝̬̹̬̩̽̍ͅͅn̩͈̰̟̟̺̏̃̓̈͑ ̄͊̋̆̂p͕͛̋ả̗̙̪͇͑̇p̣͕̺ͩ̇͗̀̈́ͧͅe͈͖̦͐̓͑̑̎̐ͣr̮̝̩̗ͯͅ
in hopes that o̓̏̄͂n̪̫̟̥̏̍͐eͯ̆ͬ̂ͯ̓ ͔͉͉̙̫̭̏ͭͯ̚d̬̫͎͙͕ͪ̎̓̾ay̮ you'll understand
eh.
he was my favorite song
set on repeat
played over and over
until I embedded every word
into my mind
and no matter how long
or how frequently I heard it
it’s as if it were the first time.

good morning
I love you
hello beautiful
I miss you
good night

until the day came when
I could no longer play
the track without that
404 message indicating
his location has been moved
asking me if I could locate him again-
I had no idea how to reply
eh.

at first i was gonna call this broken records
If you take a stethoscope to a patch of dirt in a trailer park hidden somewhere in South Carolina, you will hear the arguments of a young couple, and the muffled sobs of a young boy as he cries himself to sleep in his pillow

In Maine there is a second story apartment where a mother who struggles to pay the rent, still finds the extra dollars to cover the cracks on the walls with paintings and photography to teach her daughter how rugged beauty can be

They teach you in Oklahoma that if you cover yourself in dirt and calluses, the gunpowder under your fingernails will taste like determination

Texas is the sole beneficiary to the piece of a 19 year olds heart that he himself carved out of his chest to wrap in a green reflective belt and give to a woman he thought he'd never find. Only to think he may never see her again.

Couple airplane windows with loneliness and you will be taught that country sides become galaxies after sunset, each star screaming to implode with the energy of rebellious eyeliner and Invader Zim sweatshirts

In Las Vegas there is 22 year old who belongs to her own army, her thighs and wrists covered in permanent war paint to show the battles she has fought in

Somewhere in America there is a homeless man who travels from town to town asking for nickels to feed the demon in his liver, yet still finds the time to tell teenagers with sunken heads and knives in their hearts during thunderstorms that everything will be okay

In the abandoned underground rap scenes of Detroit, the chipped paint on the walls still hold the words of a drug using man with grace tattooed on his neck, who since has long recovered to turn around and inspire the youth to use their words as amplified band-aids

This is my America
She is broken and battered
She writes in the back a green oxidized copper book the words that she hopes no will ever see
No one takes the time to look for the emotional damage behind the crack in a bell that's supposed to stand for liberty, but screams to the mothers of teenagers that it needs to see a therapist

Doctors and Psychologists funded by cigar smoking politicians can take scalpels to each teenager who has committed suicide, only to find nothing because the feeling of being an outcast cannot be found in the left upper quadrant of the abdomen, it's hidden in the part of the brain that is permanently bruised by the kids whose parents never taught them that it's okay if someone else can't choose to like the opposite ***

Those politicians won't listen to the kid sobbing into his pillow
Their walls aren't cracked and their kids don't die in deserts
They don't define love by green reflection, but by green paper
The concept of war paint is dressed in negative ad campaigns
I have yet to meet a suit and tie who will try to put a man with a ***** beard and a winter Carrhartt in an ****** apartment
They do ******* because they can afford to get away with it, not to hide the pains that they want to forget

This is my America
She shakes her fist at foreign passerby cruise ships while eagles perch on her shoulders with screeches of liberty
She is broken
She is ignored
On her island alone during thunderstorms you can see her crying
There is no drunken optimistic homeless man to tell her that she too will be okay
The claps of thunder radiating from her island are those of her sobs
She has no pillow to muffle her loneliness
I will ask her to read me what’s in the back of her oxidized copper book because I’ll be dammed if I have to watch another woman cry as these passerby’s do nothing about it
I will find that it reads but one word
"Help"
A cigarette filter dangles between the boney knuckles of my middle and index finger
Smoke rolls up my hand
My head falls to the back of the chair
I can smell the pollen drifting from the oak trees
They remember when dying for what you believed in was an easy decision

A cigarette filter hangs between my lips
Smoke rolls up my cheeks
Stinging my cornea
They have yet to see what it means to hold the hand of a brother you have never met
To watch his life become a folded flag

A cigarette filter lies in an ash tray
The smoke rolling into the atmosphere
The cherry red slowly fading
The filter has heard the worries of a soldier yet to serve his country

A pack of cigarettes lay on a bedside counter
Waiting to hear what more I have to say
Smokey alleyways once lead me to a steel door
Only thing that lead my way
An ambient red light
The haunting sound of your voice

Large steel door, cold as the winter you protect your secrets from
What lies behind you

Whisper the name of a young woman strong as the smile she bears
The lock clicks ever so slightly

Open the cold barrier to bright light and a warm breeze
like the warmth of your eyes

There, in the middle of the warmth of the suns rays
There is a single cloud

I have found serenity

Your name is the key to sanctuary

Let me continue to whisper
Lie Awake

Do you ever lie awake at night thinking about someone?

I know how it goes,

You hope maybe they’re lying awake too

Maybe they can’t get you out of their head

Do they think of you half as much as you do them?

You find yourself asking,

Why does it hurt so bad?

How did everything go so wrong?

You can see their face, so clearly, in your head.

You talk out loud

As if they’re standing right in front of you

All the words you wish you could say

Spill out into the empty air

You weep and laugh at the memories you have of them

Do they have those memories to?

Do they even remember you?

You finally just stare into the dark sky

Fresh hot tears shining in your eyes

Tears that person will never see

Thoughts and words they’ll never hear

So why….

Why do you still hold them so dear?

Because you hope that over the years

They’ll come home

Dry your tears

Replacing them with laughs and cheers

Yes… I know just how bad this feels.

I know how it feels to lie awake thinking about them.
We are people
Cut by words
Bruised and battered egos from a world hungry for innocence
Bleeding ink and scabbing over with metaphors
We’re healing
Whisper words of truth, revealing new sight on an old world
Your language is strange to this place
I speak with you
We are poets
This is for another poet I know, Alexis Martin. Thank you for being such a fan. <3

— The End —