It does seem planned
Doesn’t it?
Like the acts of a play
or The rules of a game
A predetermined course
I had no say in,
But must suffer through

No matter which way I turn the tables
It’s fixed

Ignorance is bliss
until the facade falls apart
You can sing mantras and prayers
Meditate in the moonlight
Give gratitude in every act you make
but it will not quiet
the core of your pain
It is not medicine
for the poison in your own veins
Everyone dies by their own hand
No matter how it happens,
it is always your own destructible being that betrays you

So we all try to sedate
The happiest of us, naturally high
Meds,
quiet the mind
bring peace to the war
But nothing is really fixed,
Is it?
You just pressed the pause button
on your own life
And we all know you can’t play games with time
Without consequences

Time
It’s passage, a comfort
a torment
The more it passes
the thicker my skin
but after years and years
Somehow the only thing I’ve done,
is build walls
What about dreams?
What about the life you’d imagined for yourself at five years old?
But now we say,
I’m not afraid of dying,
I’m afraid of what it would say about me

In the soft sounds of the rain
and loneliness
this house invites
I protect myself from the outside
And it’s winds that rattle
my windows and doors
To bring in the night,
the dark cold of winters breath,
the stolen warmth
But you and your smile
like a lit candle on my empty table
You see me
Your warmth travels
Always welcome

Honey Bee,
I say we take out our old bags
and settle them into new hearts
Mould yours into my well
Take heavy books
atop heaving chests,
down winding veins
Settle into
the softest parts

You refrain from speaking
of the little bugs in your head
Like we caught the marriage of
the fig and the frog
while looking into the stars one night

Of our own tales,
We have come upon journey
Down winding paths,
in chocolate dirt roads
I see why your lips don’t follow
what’s in your head
Our two bumblebee chests,
they hear what rumbles
Close.
Hear peach fuzz moving,
hear whatever comes after
the roll of your eyes
We are told what’s next,
with the hum in each lost breath

My heart hasn’t stopped
fluttering since you left
Your fingerprints still
like flowers grazing my neck
Take everything in my skin,
take it to place aside the
winding coil
that your heart wrapped me in
I know you keep it close

Honey Bee,
I fought the day by
singing your name
into clouds of autumn air
Shaped the word into
a tender hearted sword
That I’ll save here
until you come back

The holy,
is a woman
on her knees
at another

We bring fruit
to each other's tables
Yelling,

"Please come tender,
come glowing,
come wildflower eyes,
come bread breaking,
come holy steps
barefoot on my pebble heart,
come,
come,
come."

I feel for her
in the August haze
the September grit
She brings moonlight
to my eyes
Stinging already
with choked-up passion
the messy downpour of my heart
now, in excess
We tangle weekends in
my hair,
her sheets
My insides, swollen
with a rage
of timid want
Our bellies, full
with a drunken softness

I'm still daydreaming
of the slow stretch of your spine,
your collarbones along my raw lips
Find your new home in me
Alongside rubble that I tried to clear long ago
We'll make baby baskets
and carry all our eggs in them
Take our tea to the garden each morning
I'll show you which herbs taste as sweet as your dewy cheeks
Please darling,
Sink your toes into my soft earthy heart
It feels like lamb’s kiss when you do
Meant to be
here
on slow mornings with racing hearts

The creek beside us in its
lines and waves,
and your hands just the same
Sing me our willow song
one more time
before the sun goes down
Sing into my open mouth
once more
Of the tiny spiders,
and their silk
Woven through the hair on your arms

The peach fuzz on my cheeks,
soft as lambs ear against yours

Should we hang our linen in the granite caves?
swim into the shaded creek
Should we take apart each inch
of each other's skin
Just to feel what's underneath?

I say,
touch me weakly
even if
the nervous flutter
of your fingertips will not reach my heart
I still need to feel you

The honey may be gone
The light may be dim,
but the woman
in your bed
is sacred
Her name feels holy
and her touch
is the closest
I’ve ever felt to God

I can still feel her hands
lingering touches
the top of my thigh
the valley of my hip

I can still feel her ear
pressed to my chest
and the rumble of her laugh

since yesterday

since the coffee, melted around her palms
since the air froze
still
I wanted her close
swinging dreams in front of me
close enough to blur,
to mistake for the mid-day sun

it’s all a time game now
how long will she take to leave me?
how long will she take to stay?

Romanticize your nightmares
Become unstoppable
Build houses in the terror
And force it to live beside you
Suffocate it under relentless new growth

Spring makes me soft
I just wish
there was a spring
that did not break me harder
than the year before

If you take the dream out of a lover
you’re left with the empty shell of potential
the scarred remains of a once bright
and beautifully naiive young heart

She takes steps off any path
builds walls for others
and tears away
her own self, the skin so valued
by everyone but her own

Great waves of rotten somethings
fill her eyes
until the dream passes by unnoticed
lost in the wash of time
never given
never open
and she lies with her big heart
still open at her throat
the ruffled dresses
of all the children
she was forced to bear
in tatters at her waist

She thinks that love will make this a war
I've found her in one before
but this one showed her eyes
darker than black water

I know that love does not happen easily for me
Because I am a woman
a 12-hour work day to love

She doesn’t know that yet
She doesn’t know I’m bent at the waist with the weight of it

It will take all year,
We will not know until the snow has come
and gone

I've been watching fire bombers glide across this October haze
I've been living in the same flame
of some charred detachment
and
intimate slow burn

The sirens grow loud
and then faint
and
She lays on my bed
her hand on my naked hip
I'm
Falling somewhere I've never been

I think I found my own abyss
There's a chaotic calm waiting at the edge
An anxious acceptance
watching this life happen

I let it
I stand horizontal on this bed
Falling asleep, falling deep into black

When I need to be held
I cannot ask this of anyone
So I fall into my mother
the river
And she catches me
in her current
strong arms
strong waves
of reassurance
I ask her
“Is it right to love like this?”
She presses into me harder
“of course,
my child”
I cry to her,
“I love her, mother”
She floats me downstream
wrapped in her whirling hymns
past the falls
past the sharp rocks
and unkind matters
There’s no one else to be found but us
And she showed me this time
Her miracles are my answer
“Will I be okay?"

I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I'm gay
it kind of
spills off my tongue
when I don’t want it to
an
impulse
a
burning choke in my throat
falling out of me when I wish it would stay inside
when strangers are around
when
they really don’t need to know

it’s painted on my face
it’s written on the backs of my hands
my collarbone is burning white hot with a tell
and my eyes watering every secret of it

can they tell?
can everyone see right through me?
I’m
too scared to ask
somehow
also too scared to keep it inside

It wants out more than anything
but
she wants to be safe more than anything

In the gullet of September you feel a strange constriction
A rust colored hand around your throat
digging into the memory of what you never were
Its nails scraping up dead things
of skin,
of uncertainty from a teenage year
A bellowing illness
once forgotten from walking so far
left to waste under bare feet
until the weather came round
and the conditions laid,
for an autumn gross with the pain of knowing
Wishing you didn’t know
Wishing so hard it accidentally comes true
and haltingly,
sorely,
life is no longer of the present

In California the sun is just a part of your skin
Melts your layers
Filling you captive
pushing you complacent

You’ll wake in September with a sunburn and gold glossy eyes
And when autumn's near, you realize
You got caught up in her like leaves in a gutter
Let her deal every poison you named
let her feed you, full bellied
But baby,
you’re no better than me

I lost my breath
somewhere between the peaches and the hair on my arms
blonde, and bleached by the sun
Seems I've been reaching up to God to often

In case you were wondering (which i know you weren’t)
I'm burying myself again
In a cold, in a tropical winter
To avoid watching others die
avoid watching my own irresolution
To avoid the the heat of summer I feel playing fast forward on my muscles
We’re tired
We’re all so tired

This room smells like burning wood
I hope the fire brings her home
I hope warmth will creep into my skin
I need my woman like wool in the winter

We’re beating through the snow
and the skin we have sinks colder when apart

I want to burn to ashes under her

Been thinking bout love
Thinkin' bout the way it's soft and warm

She's a calm and holy thing, my love
She's a kiss rich like indigo
and my one hand praying behind my back

I thought we knew
Thought we both know I'm a little wild,
little bit of a tidal wave inside
I think we both know she's up in a cloud somewhere,
think we both know she's Aphrodite

The unspoken is the holy sometimes
and the humanity is a bedsheets love
Real people love in real skin
its playful
its present moments

Sometimes the present is forever
Sometimes fantasies never come
Still always predicting and,
doubting the usually right
We never wanted to be right

I have sand under both of my *******
and blood under each of my nails
Your song breaks us together
your love shakes me home

the premise of a perfect garden is a lie
you cannot break something
order something
meant to be wild
something that still
so intensely
has it’s own free will
it’s own direction toward the sun
but you can marry it in it’s perfect home
with it’s perfect companion

I’m in the strawberry’s secret seeds
hiding from blue in the red
before my pink becomes entirely grey
and muted
and suddenly everything stopped
and the lights went dark
no, the sun went down
but I’m still hiding while the others
crawl out of their caves
to sing praises to our moon
and kiss each other in whole holy love

well what if I see her and she pulls me under?
I wanted to stay golden with another
cause (my one) she’s all heavy and precious inside
but this other girl is enchanting
I wanna choke on her somehow
wanna find where that labyrinth in her lips goes
and I know it ain’t righteous
but i’d sin before a goddess Herself
and fall willing into black water
for a taste of her while living

I wore black and rested in poetry
I was lonely without her but her nape
and her name as Grace
spoke to me heavy
like the silence of our big valley in its misty grandness

I wore black in mourning
of myself and a facade
and in mornings of our love
she kept me small and shrunken as I was
in that tattered linen
I loved her nonetheless

I’m wearing black in practice
and I will continue to betray
my softness
until she finds me underneath
our marriage bed

The void said I own nothing but chrysanthemums
while they tore roses through open air
(the earth angels are coming)

"I hope nothing but holiness touches you
and that the blessed is not of man. Not of his rib"

*"—no helper to mankind"

I saw her swing from 22 stars
she drank moon blood and whispered,
“the body burns in suffering,
but you are a ghost”

in love she boasts four crystals
plain face

a thieving crawl,
loneliness her wicked coat

*my honey drank poison
drank sleep and wickedness
and wed in sickness

I am reminded of California when I hear the birds call to each other in the afternoon
I used to spend hours being as still as possible, so they’d trust me
or forget about me, I’ll never know

I am reminded of Maine when humidity hits
the smell of salt and wind cracking through my skin
I used to spend hours searching for sea glass on their tiny beaches
until my hands grew numb,
until my pockets were full

I am reminded of Italy when the Verbena bloom
a country full of colour, is somehow still one palette
from azure lakes to olive hills, and the small islands full of lemon trees and melon gelato
I used to spend hours in il giardino
thumbing through botanical encyclopedias
digging into latin, trying find meaning for my solitude
antirrhinum, basilico, mentha, zucca, cortarderia, pioppi, *vitis

I tell her things she says she doesn’t want to hear
She just doesn’t want to show her face

I told her she spent too much time making decisions
She spent two hours painting herself red

I told her she was too cruel to her family
She drowned herself in a bathtub,
called it an accident

I told her she wasn’t pretty like the other girls
She stopped being a girl

I told her she was too removed
She didn't cry for months

I told her she didn’t play well with others
She left for Alaska to hibernate

I told her she didn’t need to stop feeling, just stop being scared
So she broke open her head, found every last fear,
And swallowed each one with blind determination

I sometimes see people as ghosts
and when they speak to me
my heart jumps
"you’re not supposed to be alive”

I wish their words were mine.

My voice leaves me
in no manner of conviction
as my pulse warms me
with minor habit-I'm drifting


Lately I’ve been dreaming about Berkeley  
and how the streets there are covered in fruit trees
I dream about New York and the separate life I lived two years ago
Speaking Mandarin in Boston
and English in Bologna
It seems more like a film reel than my life


I used to dream of what my heart looked like on the inside

I thought it was important

And when I was 16 I was convinced it was a mountain range

Now I worry mostly about my lungs quivering
and when my dreams will tell me what it means

If you wanted to take the blue from my eyes you could’ve just asked,
I probably would’ve given it to you
A year takes a lot of energy to light
Are you happy now that the fire’s gone out?

You tried to buy my meals
I think I’d rather starve
It’s not you...
(I hope you know I'm a liar)
it’s just that my exit feels eminent
like burning at the ends
to get smaller and smaller

I’ll pour this vial of pills
to fall through my neck
to push out my navel
so I can grow up and out

I’ll watch it all dissolve in my hands
watch my world dissolve in my hands
so it can finally be mine
something entirely mine

And as I’m standing on the big blue planet
eyes tunnelling into the moon
I will drape the reticulum
over some other creature
and no more burden shall I be
lying deep in the milky sea

That these images have been part of my life is too surreal
I walked through Italian cobbles
Rested my head over canals
Bought a pastry each from the Lidl
With the same pack on my back then
That's hanging on my bedpost now

Fields in Maine
I never knew blueberries looked like fire in October
or that wine and cheap chocolate
are best at the boat dock in a thunderstorm
I soon discovered
three feet of snow is the same as six
and sea glass calls to everyone

I have wished and pleaded
for every gift, but
all I'm gaining is... questions

Like what place can hold me up
And who will not hold me down

I tried too hard not to need people
now I only love myself

I felt in your heavy fog

autumns of the past

long days where my youth dreamt

of many ways my life could play

not one of them was this

One day he came home with a tank from the thrift store
bought five tiny fish
and named one Princess Peach
said, "that's you, I named her after you"
I looked at this eyesore in my haven
then at him;
a completely disheveled lump of black clothing
and just laughed

On February 14th
in the middle of a Maine winter
I was accosted in the kitchen
with Day Lilies and chocolate
"Happy Valentines Day"

"Stop skateboarding in the kitchen.
I'm trying to nap"
"Sorry I didn't know you were home"

And after I left he said,
"When you come back,
we can sit and watch cartoons again,
just like in Peach House"
I didn't know how to tell him
I might not come back

Every single time he looked at me
it was like I was the only thing
that had ever been kind to him
and I am too soft to say I never loved him

Everything is damp
and I can't escape how my eyes drip black
They won't stop

I try to turn my back
but all I see are ruins for miles
And this broken house I built

A road that I paved
That I destroyed out of somewhat necessity
With broken nails and a weak heart
This whole town was mine

I destroyed it all for you
and the promise you never kept
You said I'd have hope here
You said this was right and warm
You said I'd be safe here
You ******* liar

On the 6th day of October was when it broke.
Twelve pieces of eyelashes,
a chip off her favourite mug,
an old cashmere sweater with one moth hole,
a single earring on the floor,
the skin of her lips lying next to it,
and one broken heart, damaged, but still beating.

July was deeply Yuba blue
Reflecting everything white and berry tone
I only saw through it in time-lapsed clouds

August burned through the soles of my feet
orange and red and scorching

But September has come yellow

The poppies faded
yellow

The grass drowned in
yellow

The maples turning
yellow

So I will sit in my own golden California
watching time as colors
and willing Autumn brings kindness
until October comes purple

The days fall through me bruised and orange
and my feet touch nothing but Nevada red dirt
does summer come with brakes
or must I shade it all myself?

I need the peace you have

I see you find it in your morning tea
and the kids you love
every day

Who believe in magic and gnomes
they have fairytales
of acorns and moss gardens

and it is the only thing I want

August came
   with stinging goodbyes
   in the full-glory of a red sun
   over pastures, cabins,
   and so much hope I couldn't bear it

I know nothing of what's happened here
    but this place, these soft people

And at least it doesn't feel like rotting anymore

Just the longing
   of lambs bleating
   and children waiting

I have dreams about your softness
and I'll write about my jealousy
while I’m kneading the sleep from my eyes
kneading bread on the counter
kneading my tired heart

In a dream we went to the mountains
It took two hours to get there
and I spent most of it searching for a tree
that looked like home

The sunset was a soft flame
over mountain pastures
and those yellow flowers you love

We sat in the springs
soaking inward, but mostly out
while the cold kissed my shoulders
while I had a dizzy head
and you slowly removed all your clothing
throughout the night

and by the end of it
I was certain we were dreaming
Of slate sand and hot springs
the clear night and it’s star-dappled pines
Tiny bats and bugs on bare skin
but mostly me and my hazy eyes
still searching for home

I’m all hopeful and fleece bits
but there’s blood in the soup
and a bitter taste in all our mouths

She's all morning sleep and maple lattes
but there’s heartbreak under her sheets
and burnt bridges in the telephone wires

We’re all hazy summer and weary nature
but there’s castles on mountains
and softness in the water.

Almost entirely,
we smell like lavender
and brush our teeth with honey-baked laughter

I found two magical things this morning, even before breakfast
but this life is not just fire, it’s burning
And my romanticised campground does litter itself with children and lemon balm

With this stress, it's all pulled apart
and the bits forgotten
but it’s okay; I’ll put the pieces into your food
and make sure it’s tasty

For now it’s better to have dreams about rats in the flour
than the nightmares that we used to have

Doesn't summer feel hostile?

Your hot skin drips honey
that wastes into the pavement

It feels raw

Naked bodies
bathing sweetly in a sensuous river
Tired books in the hands
of holy women

Thinking all morning
about sweet peaches
And all night
about salvation

The black locust bloomed the day you left
It's sweetness will replace yours
The honeybees will find me