I’ll pour this vial of pills
to fall through my neck
to push out my navel
so I can grow up and out

I’ll watch it all dissolve in my hands
watch my world dissolve in my hands
so it can finally be mine
something entirely mine

And as I’m standing on the big blue planet
eyes tunnelling into the moon
I will drape the reticulum
over some other creature
and no more burden shall I be
lying deep in the milky sea

That these images have been part of my life is too surreal
I walked through Italian cobbles
Rested my head over canals
Bought a pastry each from the Lidl
With the same pack on my back then
That's hanging on my bedpost now

Fields in Maine
I never knew blueberries looked like fire in October
or that wine and cheap chocolate
are best at the boat dock in a thunderstorm
I soon discovered
three feet of snow is the same as six
and sea glass calls to everyone

I have wished and pleaded
for every gift, but
all I'm gaining is... questions

Like what place can hold me up
And who will not hold me down

I tried too hard not to need people
now I only love myself

I felt in your heavy fog

autumns of the past

long days where my youth dreamt

of many ways my life could play

not one of them was this

One day he came home with a tank from the thrift store
bought five tiny fish
and named one Princess Peach
said, "that's you, I named her after you"
I looked at this eyesore in my haven
then at him;
a completely disheveled lump of black clothing
and just laughed

On February 14th
in the middle of a Maine winter
I was accosted in the kitchen
with Day Lilies and chocolate
"Happy Valentines Day"

"Stop skateboarding in the kitchen.
I'm trying to nap"
"Sorry I didn't know you were home"

And after I left he said,
"When you come back,
we can sit and watch cartoons again,
just like in Peach House"
I didn't know how to tell him
I might not come back

Every single time he looked at me
it was like I was the only thing
that had ever been kind to him
and I am too soft to say I never loved him

Everything is damp
and I can't escape how my eyes drip black
They won't stop

I try to turn my back
but all I see are ruins for miles
And this broken house I built

A road that I paved
That I destroyed out of somewhat necessity
With broken nails and a weak heart
This whole town was mine

I destroyed it all for you
and the promise you never kept
You said I'd have hope here
You said this was right and warm
You said I'd be safe here
You ******* liar

On the 6th day of October was when it broke.
Twelve pieces of eyelashes,
a chip off her favourite mug,
an old cashmere sweater with one moth hole,
a single earring on the floor,
the skin of her lips lying next to it,
and one broken heart, damaged, but still beating.

July was deeply Yuba blue
Reflecting everything white and berry tone
I only saw through it in time-lapsed clouds

August burned through the soles of my feet
orange and red and scorching

But September has come yellow

The poppies faded
yellow

The grass drowned in
yellow

The maples turning
yellow

So I will sit in my own golden California
watching time as colors
and willing Autumn brings kindness
until October comes purple