I have known love in intense volumes, but never have I known love with the same sickness which shrouded mine for you. Never have I looked at someone with such simultaneous loathing and adoration. Never have I wanted so much to be near someone, just as I find myself wishing I will never see them again.
And I have known love for an army of men. I have known love for the chilling sea, for the delicate beauties of life and love for the light of human souls. But never have I known a love like this and forever you will be my strongest weakness, my only weakness. You are like the lamp of a genie that traps me, holds me to this earth. To you I must always return, but to me your arms will always be barred.
And we sit across this room from one another, pretending to be friends, but we both know that we will never feel, never see, never breathe with such raw, burning clarity of passion as we did with one another and I catch your eye and lay my hand on your knee out of habit and your breath catches in confusion and I remember my place. I am not sitting on your lap and playing with your hair and cooing sweet things at you. I'm sitting across a room from you, and your ocean eyes wash waves of thought onto the muddy banks of mine and I feel your thoughts in my heart and I miss having the right to hold onto them. I miss the weight of them on my shoulder and the rip rip ripping of them into my soul and the way I sank further into the ground with each one I held.
I watch you leave when it's time to go and remember that just the other day you held me and played with my hair and how I long to be in that moment again and I use the memory to anchor me to my spot on the ground and try to seem weightless as I struggle against every raging fiber in my being to run after you and kiss you and tell you I want you. Only you. For the rest of my life.
When I'm alone in the dark I will try and remember that you don't, will never care about me as much as I care about you and you will always try to make me jealous and with you I will always feel second best, fourth best, twenty-sixth best, first worst.
And they say it'll take a year to get over you because a year we were together but if the year felt like eternity, then will I be doomed to walk this line blindly for eternity and long for you evermore?
Everyone wants to know why I don't try harder to get over you, but I always thought it was obvious that in love with you is the best place in the world and I will never care how close you are, so long as my love for you is the heaviest burden I carry.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that
I still smile when I hear your name.
I still get butterflies in my tummy when I know I'm going to see you.
My heart still breaks when I hear that song, when I think of the times you seemed to really truly love me, when I dare to believe that you might still hold me close to your heart.
And, if you should ask, I would dive back into us without reservations and against my better judgment, for I have never known a love so worth enduring.
i will forever be writing about the same boy, but as long as he keeps inspiring me i guess i'll take it.