Change thoughts .
Put energy in better places
Don't give up
Make conscious decision to heal.
Release positive vibrations again.
Be the change you want to see.

I want you
So into you
Love to love you baby?
Precious
******
I fink you freaky
Choke me, spank me
*** drugs and rock n roll
Foxy lady

I miss the person you seemed to be.
I guess I'm finally learning who you really are

I just want to know where we stand
Aka what you will never do with me again.
***, beach, lunch, chillin with records, joints, etc.

So distant..
It hurts so much.
All my energy goes into trying not to think about you.
I can't get you out of my mind and heart.
So far whiskey is the best method.
I hate the version of myself that has to resort to that.
I'm trying so hard to move on..
But there is no one like you..
Im seriously going to have to do something big and drastic to get over this.
Idk what.
They valley is haunted.
I can't be here anymore.
You live so close and I drive by Erwin nearly everyday.
Its torture.
It's soul *******.
I try to improve myself.
I try to figure out my goals and where I'm headed.
But this consumes me.
This to me is incredibly important.
Hence why I find it difficult to do other things successfully. It is a priority.
I'm even more lost now than ever.
You were my rock.
I know you don't want that.
But you were.
You helped me from being out of control. From being self destructive everyday..
I know I had episodes with you. But I'll take that over crying everyday and feeling out of control and worthless anyway..
Bringing myself closer and closer to death. With each chain of puffs and poison burning my throat as it slides down.

We don't share the same reality.
My world is painted black.

Again, I have reached the point where I don't know what to do.
So I think about my end.

I really should leave this earth.
I honestly don't think that I contribute anything good to those in my life anymore.
I just feel like I'm a bottomless pit.
******* the life out of everyone.
Making people feel bad.
And wasting their timing when they worry about me, which is a constant.

I do not have any hope for my future.
I want to stop fighting.. I want to just give in.
I'm constantly exhausted just trying to survive the day.
I just want peace..
I'm so done with this existence.
Pain and a sense of not belonging are prominent themes.
There are some days that make me thankful to be alive, but they are so sparse that it's no longer worth it.
I'm better at not hurting other people as much, but the wound inside me just grows deeper each day.
I'm just a ******* blackhole.
There is no hope for me.
I often reach the conclusion that I should be in therapy, but I am so defiant that I know realistically I would not ever complete it. I question everything and trust no one.
I don't blame you for abandoning me.
I would have done the same.
Some people just have a certain fate.
And this tragic one is mine.
I accept that.
I am ok with dying.
This world no longer has anything to offer me.
I've given up on love.
I'm too broken to ever be my authentic self.

When my eyes swell up with tears
It is then that i start to see beauty right in front of me
Sources of light extend theirs rays to me
Rays that twirl and retreat
Sparkle and twinkle at me.
It is then that I keep frowning
Because no matter what  I see
My heart feels heavy, yet so empty..
How could that be?
Stand up. Say "*******." And move on.
Happiness swells and crashes
Philosophies clashing
Making you feel like a fool
Is it worth it?
Clenching jaw
Tight throat
Wanting to make it burn with whiskey.
Trigger here... Trigger.          There.
Burst of madness
Fight the urge, but you need your fix.

We all die eventually.
And some of us really age.
This strong sense that you must make the most of the day.
Remembering that it can be our last.
But we shouldn't live in fear. Just live it up and soak it in. Whatever it may be.
Be a little devil.
Or a caring friendly moody being.
Ruled by the moon.
It shines down on gloom
A sort of nourishing lighting.
Soothing the mind like
Cosmic skies
Creating and destroying
Bits of the heart and mind.
Roll through this space.
Orbit suns and moons.

At least at work I'm creating memories
Dances and faces grinning across the stage
Watching and learning how to play the game.
Fears dissolving at what games girls can play.
To pay for phone bills and cat litter.
Teasing and flirting, but usually not giving away.
A little on the side money is always okay.
The odds go in their favor the more I pull on the handles.
Hands digging into back pockets, knowing just how to gamble.
But they say the house always wins...