Shake it all up
and put it in a jar
and maybe then
it won't get as far

Down
deep into me
these feelings
that I try to bleed out
naturally

through my tears
salt-ridden and ragged
This thing is eating through me
like putrid little maggots

It's like an acid
eating away
at all of the love,
rot and decay

I'm not me
anymore can't you see?
I'm an empty shell
that you see on TV

Smiling

I fake it
like all the others
saying hello to you
not talking to my mother

Because out of everyone
I talk to
she would know
she would get a clue
to the fact that
I seem to be different than
I used to

Be,
To be or not
to be merely in existence
suspended in space
the gravity is affecting me
pulling at my face

Pulling it down
into this permanent
frown
I can't look up and I can't
look down
at the ground
at my feet
that don't feel sound

I wobble,
and I can't stand straight,
there's a film in my eyes
and a limp in my gait

I'm ill
I don't know the disease
but what's even more sad:
I don't know the cure

I am on the edge of what I think is reality
Somewhere between a suspended state
of illusion, and the backlash
of shattering, sobering, breathtaking truth

It's on the tip of my tongue
and I can taste the faint, sweet, dull
sensation that
I think is the sugar coating

I have to break past it,
see past it,
taste past it
Like the black coffee
beneath the layers
of milky sugar and cream

To somehow break it apart
seperate the black, bitter, reflective surface
from it's murky counterparts

Banging on a one way mirror
I can see myself
but what lies on the other side
is a hidden,
mass of intimacy
hiding and masked

masked, as the taste of sugar masks the
bitterness of my coffee
as I drink and ponder
the wonders of my universe
and why I am able to type these words
and yet not have any grasp
on whether or not they are real
if I am real
...

I think therefore I am.
Descartes put it simply,
but my thoughts are the only thing
that can be proven to be real in any sense
because they exist without me
because: in essence, I am defined by what I record
and I record my thoughts

So, the mask unravels
the thoughts unfurl
the mysteries of the universe tumble
intangible to this being who
believes she exists
on the brink of reality

It's too hard to have hope
when you can't see through the fog,
When you turn around:
you can't see anything at all

It's too hard to burn a candle
in the cold and slanted rain,
There are too many raindrops
and only one flame

It's too hard to see you crying
when I can't stand the pain,
there's too much hurt inside me
the feelings that you've slain

I'm saying something about nothing
or is it the other way around?
Am I staring at the ceiling
or gazing at the ground?

Round and round in circles
is all I ever go
My schedule ever changing,
and I don't know how to

SEW

Back up the pieces
The ones that I have lost,
Maybe there's a line:
One that I have crossed.

Maybe I did nothing
but something's what I've done
I'll never know until I stop
and I can't stop
because I have to

MOP

Up all the slices
of a life I left behind,
I think I might be crazy
But I'm not out of my

MIND

Your manners,
Do your chores,
Catch up on that homework,
Patch up all your wars

Never ending,
Always going,
It's not even
slowing down,
I think I'm gonna

HURL

My cares unto the world,
I just don't give a **** anymore

I'm saying nothing about something,
or is it the other way around?

This poem goes in circles,
but to this poem I am

BOUND

To end up somewhere
Where I feel that I belong,
It's just so hard to trust these days
when you just seem

WRONG

Is what I seem to be
Every single time I speak,
They always tell me what to do
And never twice to

THINK

I'm saying nothing about something
Switch it around and you will see:

Even though they call me
"normal"
I will only
be able
To be

ME

Panic strikes me
as I realize that
I'm alone

Alone for the first time--
and I don't know
what to do with myself

All these people
Insistent beeping, buzzing,
rolling, shutting

My collective mind
Unraveling
Before my eyes as I have
No one to talk to
to
Connect
with

Floundering
thumbing through
my contacts
to find someone

Anyone

To make me feel wanted,
to feel that my company,
even if through a phone,
is wanted, that I am
desirable

As I fold in on myelf
the Layers turning inward,
eating themselves--

The waitress leans down and asks:

Is everything okay?

I respond, muttering:

mmhm.

It's killing me from the outside in
you know...

But I don't say that

As the layers fold,
the only thing that remains
is a scared little girl
just as frightened as she was
the day she opened her eyes
underwater
and looked around
and realized how eerily
vast and deep the water was...

It still scares her.
It scares me.
And I realize
that the one thing
I can't stand more than
Anything
more than death itself:
is being alone.

Why?

Because when I am
alone with my thoughts
That vastness
that deep ocean of nothingness
bathed in a burning, purified chlorine
Haunts me

Because I cannot fill it,
not even with the deepest of thoughts,
the most vivid sentiments
Cannot satisfy the depths
of the reflective blue against
a slate of unfeeling cement

Can't sleep
These dizzy thoughts
spinning ceaslessly
relentless
in a cup

Half empty,
Half full?

Who knows,
But in the end
the mad hatter will
still wish you had
never been born--
A very Merry Unbirthday to you
to me?

Indeed

Round and Round
they go
mixing colors, textures
emotions, thought
into this smear of humanity

A stain on the background of my mind
as it clicks and whirs and calculates
the options, the weighted possibilities
the electrical impulses zipping past
the smear of confused, muttled anguish

through it, around it,
but the shock cannot
seperate the colors
the textures, the emotions,
the thoughts

The colors melt into grey
various shades of unvarying
reluctant gestures

As the cheshire cat
smiles and laughs like
the cookie crisp mascot
cukoo for coooookie crisp
I hear its laughter

Chuckling madly
at the mad hatter and myself
the mad hatter sipping
out of the cup of grey
as he sings about my unborn nature

Unborn into the world of reality
of sensibility, of responsibility

WAKE UP

I snap back
I look around
and do not recognize
anything at all

I am holding something,
this thing inside my hands:
It's soft, it's molded,
and it's melting
like little grains of sand
Struck by lightning
and turned into glass

Happiness blazes but
it never can last

It breaks so easily
so, fragile, so pure
with the slightest tink
its fate is ensured

Carrying it ever so carefully
as if it were gold,

Love: a golden love so pure
That my hands,
my tainted hands would surely
stain its beautiful luster

I try to keep it in my palms,
but the liquid just seeps through
It seems to have a consciousness
and I feel its feelings, its pain,
its gloom

I'm trying not to hurt it
as it hisses and burns
my hands

Scalding them as the liquid
screams in terror
that it has been altered,
tainted, unpurified

It hisses that I'm burning it
as it burns me in return
We understand each other's pain
but rendering assistance
is just too much to take

The blisters on my hands
The mangled skin,
the tears
hissing as they fall into
the molten, golden liquid
turning it a dark shade of
blue:now a puddle on the floor

Fate it seems

Controls the motion
As I glance your direction
You smile
I smile


My body seems to
Gravitate into your orbit
As it pulls me so irresistably
into the spin that brings me
closer to you

As your arms reach out
Our fingertips brush
My breath stops
Time stops

Looking up
into those eyes
that are the color of
the waves in the ocean

Feeling the radiance of warmth
provided by your smile,
your gaze,
your arms
your hands

Feeling
for the first time
since we parted
safe

Nothing can hurt me
as you hold me
I feel no pain
No remorse
as you soothe away
my fears

Only the most subtle
of motions
You know me so well--
as your hand moves
in circular motions on my back

You whisper
the words I need to hear

From you
They mean everything

Rejuvinating my senses
my awareness
my sense of life
Color returning
to my world of grey

The world returns to me
now in three dimensions
Reality, not so harsh
but with a tint of understanding

You complete my sanity
Knowing who I am
not through holding your hand
but through
how you help me percieve
to see

Taking the blindfold off
and stepping into the
blinding light
of clarity and sharp vivid
pictures

Picturing myself
with you
is what keeps me
grounded until
I see your
face again

The sour taste
of bitter company
Teeth clenched
Tongue held
to preserve the
somewhat peacful
lie of a setting

A good time
While stepping
around the eggshells
like a minefield
of emotional explosions

You know that one will explode
you just don't know when
Hoping, feeling guilty for the hope
that the explosion will avoid you
and fall onto someone else

The smell of dinner
sustained silence
small talk
strained smiles
Happy ******* Thanksgiving

I wave hello to myself
reluctantly, expectantly
but my image turns its back
Walking away
as I reach out for it
it shakes its head

I call out to it
it walks faster
Two steps away
Beside myself
with lonliness

A shadow of my former self
a dark, hollow shell
of what I remember to be

My hands unfamiliar
as I lay me down
on unfamiliar ground

The unfamiliar feel
of my palpatating *****
in my chest
the sensation of the air
grazing my body wistfully
carelessly unaware of
my state

Me

Hey You!
I turn to see my reflection
glaring at me, feiry and
passionate

It's not about you
Try looking outside of your
own scope and
listening, watching, feeling
other people's
emotions, thoughts, sensations

And maybe you'll understand
And I will return to you
and I will be able to become proud
of the individual
We
will be

And with that
I blink
and I am gone
and then engulfed
in a silence so complete
that silence itself shudders

At your will
a bend to your word
twisting and turning
all the while unheard

Silent and mindful
Slipping so sure
to fall and fall over
the timing absurd

Rendered a puppet
whose movements secure
grotesquely twist
and move all the more

Tangled and Twisted
Arms all bound up
Hands tied and jilted
Time to back up

Moving my legs
but they do not move
the control you have
is not willing to soothe

The heady headway you
seem to have had
Haven't I given enough
that I have?

Tug me this way
Sway me that
Pull me up
Push me down

This motion I can't control
I watch as you drown me
Outside of my body
as you **** me slowly

Watching as I softly fade
Cheeks flush
Tick
Tick...

Sitting in solemn silence
all around me the deafening roar
of thoughts flooding through
my mind

Heads bent over their work
as they contemplate the
significance that this will even have
ten, twenty, thirty years from now

Looking around and seeing
stress on people's faces
as they sit and wittle away
the fifty minutes of
fluid time

Twiddling their thumbs
the equivalent of me
here
writing this poem

Bland revising conversation
with an overtone of educational
******* wrapped in a blanket
of disconcerting melodrama

Whispers of unfocused chatter
and my mind wanders lazily
from one thought to the next

Conflicted as I should be writing for
another purpose
to complete an assignment
that I couldn't possibly
care less about

Oh the joys of institutionalized
education
and yet
the irony:

I want to become
a part of it
in order to remedy
its imperfections
from the inside out

Recklessly abandoned in your gaze
as you turn it back to me
As I am wrapped up in
a woven dream of intimacy

The cloth smoothing over my skin
like the scented oils that
bathe me in an intoxicating smell
of deep golden ecstacy

Moving close
so close
to the cliff of temptation
So hopelessly drawn to
the edge

I know once I step closer
I'm sure to fall in

Abating my senses
Tantalizing my mind

Teetering on the edge
Rocking on my heels
on the precipice
in my mind

Biting my lip as
I close my eyes
and Jump

Distracted

by the flying thoughts
within my mind
as I think fleetingly
from one thought to
the next...

Not really stopping
to analyze or put to the test
What did I have for lunch today?
Is he worth it?
What's due in class tomorrow?
When am I going to do it?
I have to work...
I miss my mom
I love hanging out with my friends
that light is really bright
I think it's giving me a headache
Christ, I'm tired
No, I don't want to listen to that song
This one's better
Why is it so cold in here?
Why is this comforter so hot?
I really should go to bed
My mind is reeling
I wonder if he likes me
I think I might like him
But it's complicated
Math is complicated
I'm taking a math class next semester
I hope it's easy
I'm hungry
I think I ate all of those chocolate things that he gave me...
Yeah. Yup. Sure did.
My mouth is dry, and my head itches.
Now my back itches because I thought of my head itching.
I wonder if it'll even work
Worth a shot I guess
But what about...
no.
That won't work.
That was made clear.
Oh well. A loss isn't the end of the world.
I wonder if the end of the world really is 2012.
If it is, I want to conquer my fear of heights before then.
I should have a better goal than that before the end of the world...
I'll have paid for a **** load of schooling for no reason...
sigh
yawn
I should listen to music
It calms my mind
writing helps dump my thoughts onto paper
Welcome to the random discertation that is my mind
Once upon a story and
THE END.

Pan left and zoom in

on the corner of my mind
Disentangle the heartache
and Reassemble the pieces
of time

Pan right and zoom out
to grasp the bigger picture
a muted pink surface reflecting
a distant past
Swept away

Never had I imagined
the burn
that resides in
the pit of my stomach

You cause me heartburn,
But there's no stopping it

That burn, that need, that desire
Is what keeps me from
falling apart

I don't want to get burned
but when playing with fire
there's no way to stop

The flames keep on rising
and I'm burning to the core
just keep getting closer
There's something
I want to explore

Relatively senile
the memories in my mind
fade as new ones replace
the broken past

Watching the lovers
as they stroll along
the rainswept streets
of connected
bliss and dischord

Looking around
at the silence
tasting the futile attempts
like ashes on a cold day

Feeling
the chill down my spine,
my quickened pulse
as you enter the room

Eyes brighten
as they think of you
Ever so noticably
Slipping into a drugged
state in which coming back
isn't a desirable option

Poetry laced with
an intoxicating poison
slowly saturating my senses
blinding faults, impurities

Grasping at clarity
and finding none
only your arms
folding around me
pulling me deeper into
the abyss

Tipping on the scale
of an emotional torrent
Sipping from the cup of
an evocative song

Doing what you do to me
is a wave of frustration
pounding in my unbroken heart

Feigning, Waiting, Testing, Saying
How do I begin to tell you
that you make me melt?
That I look for you around corners
anticipating your face, your breath,
your smile

Zipping up my pocket
of emotional recall
Closing off the opening
sewing up the hole

Hoping that you don't see
don't hear, don't notice
that I can't let you in

I stumble then I fall
into your arms again
Trying to stay away but I can't
seem to resist the attention

That you give to me
Your eyes are so deep you see
that I drown in your gaze

Slipping into an emotional tyrade,
Trying to keep my head
from going under
Trying not to drown to resist temptation,
But failing so miserably bad

I can't stay away for a moment
without hearing your voice in my mind
Tossing and turning and turning away
I Turn right back
To the very first page

The one I can't bear to look at
Yet look anyway

Never know

how much I need until
I get just what I want

And I never know what
I want until it's
already gone

Never knew that
it was you
til you knocked on
my door

Had no idea
Didn't have a clue
that it was you I was
looking for

Then before I realized
what had happened
You had disappeared

Now what a shame
What a cryin' shame
for me to realize
so late

But that is fate
Baby that is fate
that's how it plays your game

Options
for the beggar
that hath seen no
light
Takes what she pleases
and finds delight

Hath not the beggar seen
her fatal flaw?

The beggar is but a beggar and
not pleased at all.

For if the beggar were to see
that her situation is but irony,
She then doth partake in sentiment
whose cracked joke is eminent.

Never fear for the dear beggar
is near and does not realize her folly
She trips and skins her broken knees
yet does not board the trolley.

For the trolley will take her away to see
What she has so fatally lacked
the experience she needs to grow
and grow a bone in her back.

Sharp angles

pause for the greater effect
of the picture being portrayed
by the puppets who ensue
the damage

Jagged lines
lay still and juxtapose
the sharp angles
in an entangled
bounty of emotional
mess

Arches
sweep across
bridging the destruction
with the emotion and
create meaning
while

Color
brushes itself along
adding a dimention of
clarity and purpose

Circles
which are there for
no reason at all
do not even realize
they are a part of the picture
but pretend that they too
contribute

Texture
pops the colors and the lines
and gives them a realistic
tone and quality

People
who look upon them
do not see the beauty
or the grandeur
or the time
or the raw emotion
or the painstaking amount of work
or the love
or the hatred

They see sharp angles, jagged lines, arches, color, circles and texture out of context
with the world they see,
and so: they see nothing.

Twirling on an oil slicked floor


Faster
Faster

Never stopping to see for sure

Faster
Faster

If what you want is the cure

Faster
Faster

For your pulsing heart
Faster Faster
Growing close
FasterFaster


STOP


as you slip
and your feet
are no longer
beneath you
and in slow motion face the ground
beneath you
and it swallows you up
the darkness intruding
on your vision
closing in
on your dreams
as you slip
past the incongruities
of destiny and fate
of love and lust
of passion and gentleness
and all
Is Still.

The pain that pricked
me so curiously...

Not an aching or a throb
but an all out assault
on my stomach
a nagging
a stab

An insistent ****
in my side
the side I cling to
when the pain is too much

The side you laid your hand on
to tell me it was going to be
okay

But 'okay' only suffices
for the mind
and does not ease the pain
caused by this thorn
in my side.

Its slippery surface denies me
the ability to pull it out,
and I have not the resources
or the will to remove it.

Somehow I've become accustomed
to this stabbing, unsettling sensation
and as a developing *******,
It seems that I like it there.

Like a friend when no one
is there to listen
the thorn is still at my side

Willing to listen
as it buries itself deeper
for a long chat

As a beloved growth
now a part of myself
if I ripped it out,
I too would perish.

Therefore, it lives with me,
in my side,
along side me
aiding me with grief
and providing a
bit of its own.

Take my hand but
Don't hold on
Let me hug you
But push me away

As
Dangerous as
an Intoxicating Drug
Smoldering in your soul

As your emotions
burn into stone
Etching a permanant
scar into your sleeve

As you wear your
heartache on your sleeve
With a burn hole and a scar
that empty spot that once was full
Will be replaced with nothing

Because I'm saving you from myself
I cannot comfort your pain
Because I am what the hurt consists of
I am the root of your heart's torture

You may not see it
But it is as clear as day
that I must save you from myself
so that you might heal

So that you might live
to find yourself anew,
Create a better life
loving someone else

For I am a poision that will
Rot you with sweetness
**** you with care
Martyring myself for
your relief

And the only way to detach your
dependence on me
is for me
to
disappear

The area between clarity and
Indecision
Is where my mind always tends to stay

As it creeps into this colorless
Vision
Time melts and one night can turn into days

Grey Gray Grey
Bleeds into the fabric of my mind
Dying everything its bland yet putrid color

Ambiguous gestures
and a fleeting glance
Wrap their fingers 'round my neck
and they smother
Creativity, Life, Solitide
Noise Noise Noise
Blocking my creative release

As the muttled disposition
that my body defaults to
displays a disgruntled
shoe salesman
No one guesses at,
Knows what I go through
No one reads past the grey

Dissolution and no one
can see the clarity
In a cup of water with
stirred in dirt

The dirt keeps on swirling
and refuses to settle
To see the pearl
in the bottom of the glass
becomes impossible

The little pearl of hope
its white irradescent
luminescence
That reflects everything in
a milky white silk gaze

But no one can see it
past the grey gray muck
of muddled inquisition
of a muttered note of
agreeableness

Take me on this summer afternoon

Sizzling heat cooling off the soon
related factions of the precipice in
my mind

The underhanded broken chains that
whisper in my sleep
that choke me as
I unknowingly gaze into
the face of eternity

Melting together the
bonds of society to my broken
identity
to them this is nothing but
a game

Corner street societies
smokingly gaze at my uncomfortable
place as I try to wriggle free
from the grip with which
they are holding me tonight

Is the night
Such a beautiful night
and they call it
Bella Noche

Undistrubed and peaceful bliss
Wrapped in a bacon strip
greased up in oily fat
that will be eaten by a docile cat
that has no inclination to think about
these things
that bind him to his master

Laying on the floor Lying in wake
Waiting for the Blank
that will not come

Can't find the words
that express my face
It's all inside this shell
of Blank_

Dictionary aiding the soul
but is burned in translation
A darkness that fufills the rose
and is Blank devestation.

To express
To create
To release
To share
To unburden
To Blank__.

Feigning sleep,

that creepy creature of the night
as it sinks into my bones making them
creak with exhaustion

Awaiting the telltale buzz of a phone at my side
to hear his voice,
to be ushered into sleep peacefully
and loved.

To feel that warm delicate feeling
touch my heart then to radiate from
the inside out
like kind tendrils of vines
craddling nature's child as she sleeps.

So he warms my soul and calms my mind
Love so deep it makes you blind
and robs you of reality but in place of it
offers a sweet sub-reality,
A blissful get-away
My own personal vacation.

Then you sweetly set my feet on the ground,
Bringing me back to reality,
But all the while holding my hand.

I answer the phone

and say hello

as my heart soars.

It hurts

to be in a world full of people
and still feel so alone

Friends and shallow conversation
lackluster meaning with a crave for more

I want substance
Depth

I want to pick up the phone
But I know I shouldn't

Fighting that pain in my stomach

I can't help it

I can't do this.

I need to get away.

I'm not sure 100% of the time.

I don't know what I want.

Impulses drive my decisions.

Impulse after impulse
like wave after wave of
Neverending small pulses of electric shock
Just enough to keep you on edge.

Tick, Tick, Boom. Tick, Tick, Boom.

Twitch Twitch

Eyes bloodshot,
No sleep.
No satisfaction. No happiness.
Bah humbug.
Only scrambling to fill the void.

Scrambling, trying to fix,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to disturb the delicate border of
Hurt.

Moving from one quick fix to the next.
Hurry, Hurry. Or you'll feel the pain.
Faster, move faster. Don't stop now or
It will ***** you again.

It'll catch your heels and make
You trip and fall
Skin your knees and hands.
Get up, now run.

Scrambled, Scrambled,
Brain tattered,
Scattered messages,
Mixed and garbled

A calm face. A calm expression.
Calm mannerisms. Completely
without symptoms.

Or so it seems.

So, why is it that life seems to go on without me? It seems like I miss the bus because I hesitate with almost every decision I make. I always try to calculate every possible angle before making a choice, and I take so long to do it, that whatever opportunity I might've had disappears. Or, I make the wrong decision and pine over it like a dog licking its wounds.


When it comes to things I should think about before I jump into them, that's when I don't think. I just do it. I think that route is more risky, but I can't get past square one with the first option of thinking it all out. On the other hand, my decision-making process doesn't have to be dichotomistic either. There are more than two ways to think things through. I think it's just been really hard for me to find a balance because I tend to go back and analyze the results of my actions regardless.

Needless to say, I second-guess a lot. and third and fourth guess. Indecisiveness is one of my weaknesses. And yet, if you take me shopping I can be in and out of 10 stores in an hour and come out with exactly, and only what I went in for.

sigh

Emotional/life decisions are where I have problems. People can't help make those for you, and you have to deal with the consequences because you're the one who chose to put yourself through it. Maybe that'll be one of the things I'll get better at when I move off to college.

So many shifting tiles under my feet that I'm not sure where to step. If I second guess, the tile under me may shift and I'll fall. But then the one that I jump onto may also move before I step onto it.

Indescribably infallible

a vault of secrets kept gaurd by the walls of my memory
a picture of innocence sustained by the secrets that are inside

A Pandora's box of gross testimony
shaded in by the lines of worry on my face
a small undisturbed box of calamity and fear

Unguided and unaided,
My own decisions staring me in the face,
Unsure if my own self can sustain,
let alone stand the problems of the world.

My shoulders alone cannot bear the burden,
But I have already accepted the responsibility
So I must carry the weight and imperceptable sadness
of others so that they may flourish in place of me,
so that they may blossom while  Iwither away into
age that is beyond my years.

Quietly, in solitude, silence, packed full of secrets that
threaten to tear from inside me like a demented child from a womb,
with claws so sharp as designed to rip me open and bleed out my sympathies.

Getting quieter now as I back away into the corner that I have reserved for myself,
A somber face with the perilous, treacherous things of my past and the past of others contained in a box inside my heart.
A ticking time bomb.

Roaring in my ears,

Fire in my soul,
Deafening, all consuming, treacherous:
The violence with which my body trembles
is enough to make me want to collapse.

Every nerve in my body is raw
raw to the synapse,
down to the electrical impulse that jumps
the gap and creates
a chemical that induces
some kind of process
that I have little control over.

Happy, sad,
Lust, love,
Confusion, pain,
Pleasure, resolution:
All just chemical reactions of the brain to stimulatory catalysts.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel;
for there is no tunnel.
Yet if there was, I would be too afraid to travel through
the dark to get to that supposedly
Desirable end.

Electrical impulses that control every thought,
every feeling, taste, touch, smell and
how they have an effect on us.

Simple yet complicated beyond understanding, and yet we breathe,
Continue our lives with only the faintest idea
that we are controlled by the chemicals contained within us.

Perplexing. Deeply thought provoking. chemical producing.

Tears that stain my face, Trickle their way
down my cheek and neck,
Resting on my palpatating delapedated *****

Mending the cracks and sealing the wounds.
They stare, wonder, speculate,
let them.

Hot gazes, a flash in the pan,
A gaze to distract, to dispell
to intoxicate, to forget.
A shallow drop in a dry well of tears
Emotions like a cloud over the well,
Grey and ominous with the promise of rain

Rain rain go away,
Come again some other day,
Some other day when you won't see,
This shadow of my former me.
Tears trickle past my heart,
leaving a trail from begining to end
from my eye to my stomach.

Glistening paint that covers the holes
But does not fill them.

My stomach touched by the tears has an adverse reaction,
Does flips and kicks that would make an acrobat jealous to the core
my chest heaving with sobs of wretched,
sobering gasps of shocked air

I can't do this. I need to stop the self-destruction.
I need to regroup, regain control, and stop.
The clouds shake and thunder rumbles,
threatening to release their heavy load.

Rumble, wave after wave,
a crack of lightning,
a release, a temporary reprieve
then a following panic, confusion
as I realize I'm IN the well.
the well is not a well of tears,
but an endless wall of brick crushing me
as a constricting snake,
slowly feeding off of my life until I am no more.
As I awaken, I trace my index finger lightly across the stains,
those stains that stain my pillow, and drip black,
burning ink on my heart.

Oh what those tears could heal and tear that
I might be torn in half and sewn up again
one final time
to let it be finished.

My mind is a current of wave after wave of jumbled thoughts and mumbled words
Not knowing how to interpret, how to cope, how to breathe.

Breathe.

I Must Breathe.

Can't breathe, for there is no breath, no air to **** into my lungs, the harsh sting of water filling my lungs as I drown in my own misunderstanding. Pain and fear bind my hands and I cannot disentangle them.

My feet feel like lead a weight pulling my body down into the dark depths of the deep black abyss where my eyes that have seen little thus far, can see nothing.

Your words hold no weight, no substaniality in this impartial harsh reality of suffocation.

Gasping for air, swallowing more water...the world around me slipping away as my mind frees itself feeling lighter than the rest of my body.

floating, falling apart from the inside out, freedom on the one hand, and a saving grace on the other. both tied behind my back as i look up towards the impossible glimmering surface of the reality i cannot return to.
Help me ******. I can't do this. I can't handle this alone. Pull me out.
Rescue me. Be my hero.