I feel like:
I'm yelling
at a brick wall
with my hand
over my mouth

As if I were
to remove my hand
that it would make a
difference

but it wouldn't

You still wouldn't hear.
You would continue to
talk AT me in that
condescending tone

arguing with you
is superfluous
you just think you're right
arguing logically
with an illogical person
is illogical

and when you are
backed into a corner
you yell
and then claim
to be hurt

in an effort to gain
an apology
UNWARANTED

You stomp your feet
and slam things down
on the counter
like a five year old child
and expect me
to take you seriously

And when you walk
into that door
and accuse me of
the stupidest things
then expect me not to
"get an attitude"
it ****** me off to no end

That's why I shut off,
Mother.
That's why I don't talk to you.
When I tell you to leave me alone
because

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

it means that I don't want to hurt you
by saying these things
and that I love you,
but I hate dealing with the way
you handle situations that you don't like.

It's not fair to the other person
because you
Barrel through their retaliations
with senseless *******
that only makes sense to you

and if no apology comes,
you obsess until you come up
with this ******* conclusion
that is over-thought
and entirely untrue

I'm not pregnant, you idiot.
And just because I don't want to talk to you
doesn't make whatever is wrong ABOUT you
and don't make it about you.
because you do. all the ******* time.

You still treat me like I'm ten years old
and you have this assured power over me
you want to take back the presents you bought me?
fine. do it. I'm not materialistic, so all it proves is your
pettiness.

I wish you could hear the malice dripping in your tone
aimed specifically just to hurt me
thanks, Mom.
I appreciate it on my BREAK.
But it's not a break with you
******* at me 24/7.

I can't wait to go back to school and
be stressed out there instead.
At least I don't have to worry about
hostility when I'm in my own room.

And by the way, learn how to knock.

Shake it all up
and put it in a jar
and maybe then
it won't get as far

Down
deep into me
these feelings
that I try to bleed out
naturally

through my tears
salt-ridden and ragged
This thing is eating through me
like putrid little maggots

It's like an acid
eating away
at all of the love,
rot and decay

I'm not me
anymore can't you see?
I'm an empty shell
that you see on TV

Smiling

I fake it
like all the others
saying hello to you
not talking to my mother

Because out of everyone
I talk to
she would know
she would get a clue
to the fact that
I seem to be different than
I used to

Be,
To be or not
to be merely in existence
suspended in space
the gravity is affecting me
pulling at my face

Pulling it down
into this permanent
frown
I can't look up and I can't
look down
at the ground
at my feet
that don't feel sound

I wobble,
and I can't stand straight,
there's a film in my eyes
and a limp in my gait

I'm ill
I don't know the disease
but what's even more sad:
I don't know the cure

I am on the edge of what I think is reality
Somewhere between a suspended state
of illusion, and the backlash
of shattering, sobering, breathtaking truth

It's on the tip of my tongue
and I can taste the faint, sweet, dull
sensation that
I think is the sugar coating

I have to break past it,
see past it,
taste past it
Like the black coffee
beneath the layers
of milky sugar and cream

To somehow break it apart
seperate the black, bitter, reflective surface
from it's murky counterparts

Banging on a one way mirror
I can see myself
but what lies on the other side
is a hidden,
mass of intimacy
hiding and masked

masked, as the taste of sugar masks the
bitterness of my coffee
as I drink and ponder
the wonders of my universe
and why I am able to type these words
and yet not have any grasp
on whether or not they are real
if I am real
...

I think therefore I am.
Descartes put it simply,
but my thoughts are the only thing
that can be proven to be real in any sense
because they exist without me
because: in essence, I am defined by what I record
and I record my thoughts

So, the mask unravels
the thoughts unfurl
the mysteries of the universe tumble
intangible to this being who
believes she exists
on the brink of reality

It's too hard to have hope
when you can't see through the fog,
When you turn around:
you can't see anything at all

It's too hard to burn a candle
in the cold and slanted rain,
There are too many raindrops
and only one flame

It's too hard to see you crying
when I can't stand the pain,
there's too much hurt inside me
the feelings that you've slain

I'm saying something about nothing
or is it the other way around?
Am I staring at the ceiling
or gazing at the ground?

Round and round in circles
is all I ever go
My schedule ever changing,
and I don't know how to

SEW

Back up the pieces
The ones that I have lost,
Maybe there's a line:
One that I have crossed.

Maybe I did nothing
but something's what I've done
I'll never know until I stop
and I can't stop
because I have to

MOP

Up all the slices
of a life I left behind,
I think I might be crazy
But I'm not out of my

MIND

Your manners,
Do your chores,
Catch up on that homework,
Patch up all your wars

Never ending,
Always going,
It's not even
slowing down,
I think I'm gonna

HURL

My cares unto the world,
I just don't give a **** anymore

I'm saying nothing about something,
or is it the other way around?

This poem goes in circles,
but to this poem I am

BOUND

To end up somewhere
Where I feel that I belong,
It's just so hard to trust these days
when you just seem

WRONG

Is what I seem to be
Every single time I speak,
They always tell me what to do
And never twice to

THINK

I'm saying nothing about something
Switch it around and you will see:

Even though they call me
"normal"
I will only
be able
To be

ME

Panic strikes me
as I realize that
I'm alone

Alone for the first time--
and I don't know
what to do with myself

All these people
Insistent beeping, buzzing,
rolling, shutting

My collective mind
Unraveling
Before my eyes as I have
No one to talk to
to
Connect
with

Floundering
thumbing through
my contacts
to find someone

Anyone

To make me feel wanted,
to feel that my company,
even if through a phone,
is wanted, that I am
desirable

As I fold in on myelf
the Layers turning inward,
eating themselves--

The waitress leans down and asks:

Is everything okay?

I respond, muttering:

mmhm.

It's killing me from the outside in
you know...

But I don't say that

As the layers fold,
the only thing that remains
is a scared little girl
just as frightened as she was
the day she opened her eyes
underwater
and looked around
and realized how eerily
vast and deep the water was...

It still scares her.
It scares me.
And I realize
that the one thing
I can't stand more than
Anything
more than death itself:
is being alone.

Why?

Because when I am
alone with my thoughts
That vastness
that deep ocean of nothingness
bathed in a burning, purified chlorine
Haunts me

Because I cannot fill it,
not even with the deepest of thoughts,
the most vivid sentiments
Cannot satisfy the depths
of the reflective blue against
a slate of unfeeling cement

Can't sleep
These dizzy thoughts
spinning ceaslessly
relentless
in a cup

Half empty,
Half full?

Who knows,
But in the end
the mad hatter will
still wish you had
never been born--
A very Merry Unbirthday to you
to me?

Indeed

Round and Round
they go
mixing colors, textures
emotions, thought
into this smear of humanity

A stain on the background of my mind
as it clicks and whirs and calculates
the options, the weighted possibilities
the electrical impulses zipping past
the smear of confused, muttled anguish

through it, around it,
but the shock cannot
seperate the colors
the textures, the emotions,
the thoughts

The colors melt into grey
various shades of unvarying
reluctant gestures

As the cheshire cat
smiles and laughs like
the cookie crisp mascot
cukoo for coooookie crisp
I hear its laughter

Chuckling madly
at the mad hatter and myself
the mad hatter sipping
out of the cup of grey
as he sings about my unborn nature

Unborn into the world of reality
of sensibility, of responsibility

WAKE UP

I snap back
I look around
and do not recognize
anything at all